Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Driving slow on the highway.........

I will admit it, it's taken me far too long to get here.  I recently heard someone say "Dating her is like driving 20 on the highway".  They weren't referring to me but I've been thinking about that comment a lot and I think in a way I am like that when it comes to letting go of someone I love(d). 

When I am with someone I love unconditionally.  I am there for them no matter what, I put their needs/wants ahead of my own.  I guess this is the way I am and the way I feel love should be.  I don't think it's a bad thing, I just think because of it, it takes me a longer time than most to let go once that love is gone. 

I was thinking about how I sobbed and never left my house for months when Mr. Paul first left.  I remember feeling like my life was over, what would I do now?  How would I survive?  Almost 2 years later, I am grateful we are not together.  However, I held on to Mr. Paul for 12 years while he struggled with his issues, it took him leaving for me to let go of him.   

Then when Brian and I broke up, I couldn't let go.  I would go see him even though I had absolutely no business doing that.  In my mind I thought maybe..........  This ridiculous mind set and behavior lasted until recently and then just the other day I was sitting at the airport thinking what in the hell was I doing??  This is NOT who I am, this is NOT who I want to be and certainly NOT acceptable behavior. 

I had the most amazing time with Brian but it's over.  Now I think about the things that have happened since we broke up, and knowing what I do about him/me/us, I would never want to go back.  Why would I want to be with a man who hides me in a dark corner, while he says he's with someone else??  Why would I want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me ONLY?  Answer is I don't and the bigger question here is why was I allowing myself to be placed in the corner?  I don't want that, I don't deserve that and I had to finally stop it, it was time I made better decisions.  I put myself in this position but I am also taking myself out. 

I'm done thinking about what could have been, and am living life for today. I feel sort of at peace now that I am not dwelling on being with him, thinking about the great summer we had and wondering what I will do now?  I've been having a lot of fun with friends and family and doing some dating as well.  I love his family, I love his friends, and I have no real regrets, it took me awhile to get here but thank God I finally did.  He is a great guy but he is not the guy for me.  My next journey will be different for sure but I believe it can be even better. 

Washington Capitals vs Carolina Hurricanes

Robb and I went to our 2nd Capital's game last night and had our usual great time.
                                                             Best picture
                                                       He's always got a secret to tell

                                   Not very nice Robb to be ugly wearing my finger

                                                                        Pre-game dinner/drinks
                                                 I know but I had to have a foam finger
                                                                  Lets get serious for once......