Thursday, April 13, 2017

Can I be the tin man?

I have been doing what I do best lately and that is hiding behind my great big smile and ridiculous laugh.  Taking picture after picture and posting them to reassure family/friends I am spectacular.  Well I am not.  I've removed myself from the dating sites, meeting men only to find fault with them within the first 30 seconds.  I have met some great men, I've met some assholes, and men that think I am pretty amazing and yet the closer they try to get, the faster I run.  I watch myself doing it, I can't bare that I am causing pain to others because my heart is too jaded to let anyone in. 

Truth is I am not the same person I used to be.  I don't think I ever will be, I think about me a year ago and me now and I truly am missing a piece of myself that I believe is truly gone forever.  I didn't think I would ever love again and when I did and it ended without explanation, without closure, no understanding as to why, my heart died, it stopped trusting, it gave up, I threw my hands in the air and said never again.

I have no tolerance for well anything that annoys me even slightly, I find fault with any man who tries to get to know me.  The harder a man tries to get closer to me, the more fault I find with him, he has young kid(s), he's too old, too young, a crazy ex, too short, too fat, doesn't go to the gym, smothers me, calls too much, doesn't call enough, bald, to much facial hair, not enough facial hair, no motivation, no drive, no boat, lives too far away, lives too close, by the end of the first (and only) date, I have already told myself I will never see him again.  My heart is black.....its dead, I can't love. 

I have my sights set on a man.  He is the one I want, the one I dream about, the one I would do anything for, the one that can't do anything wrong, the one I give every opportunity too, that can say or do whatever he wants and I don't blink an eye. The one my heart skips a beat when his name appears on my screen, the one when I am meeting him I find myself giddy and excited.  It's like being in high school all over again.  The only problem is he doesn't want me.  He says I am a cool chick, fun as hell, beautiful on the inside and out but I live to far away and he isn't interested in being exclusive with anyone, he is jaded as hell, has been since the day I met him.  Hurt by another and now he has a dead heart too. Deep down I get him, I understand his pain, his reasoning on being unavailable, I can relate. Is that why I want him?  Because he is unavailable?  Because I can't have him?  Because I know he can never hurt me?

I believe that I want him because he is a safe, he will never ask anything of me at all.  I know I can't have him to myself, so I can't possibly get hurt, he can't hurt me, he isn't close enough to break my heart, he isn't interested in my heart, or loving me, therefore he can't hurt me.  He's the perfect guy, single, gorgeous, great personality, we have a ton of fun together, and there is no possible possibility of having a relationship with him.  Does it get any better? 

Problem with this mind set is by protecting my heart, by being content with having nothing real, I am avoiding the possibility of finding true love.  I look at myself and I know what I am doing, and I know why but it's unavoidable.  I spend everyday now going to the gym, hanging out with my friends, and my sons, but at the end of the day, I lay down in my bed alone and my life is missing a key ingredient.  I am alone, my bed empty, my heart empty, my smile gone, no laughter.  I lay there in the dark and wonder why, how, yelling stop this nonsense, BUT........with a heavy heart, I pray that I can find it within myself to let my guard down, to try to trust, to try to find that love way down deep down inside I long for, maybe the love I lost, but when I wake up in the morning, I still have that dead, black, empty heart that is surrounded by armor. 
People say that one day when Mr. Right appears it will all change, I will see that the love I thought I felt wasn't real, wasn't right, but for the first time in my life I don't believe in Mr. Right, I don't believe in true love, and if it does I certainly don't believe it will ever happen to me.  I have become that puzzle you put together for days, weeks, months, and when the box is empty there is still a piece missing.  You look under the box, under the table, but it's gone.  The puzzle will never be complete, a piece is missing today, tomorrow, forever. 

"Tin Man" by Miranda Lambert - No heart, no pain, just armor=PERFECT

Hey there Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin'
For something bound to fall apart
Every time you're feeling empty
Better thank you lucky stars
If you ever felt one breaking
You'd never want a heart

Hey there Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
I've been on the road that you're on
It didn't get me very far
You ain't missing nothing
'Cause love is so damn hard
Take it from me darling
You don't want a heart

Hey there Mr. Tin Man
I'm glad we talked this out
You can take mine if you want it
It's in pieces now
By the way there Mr. Tin Man
If you don't mind the scars
You give me your armor
And you can have my heart

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