I will admit it, it's taken me far too long to get here. I recently heard someone say "Dating her is like driving 20 on the highway". They weren't referring to me but I've been thinking about that comment a lot and I think in a way I am like that when it comes to letting go of someone I love(d).
When I am with someone I love unconditionally. I am there for them no matter what, I put their needs/wants ahead of my own. I guess this is the way I am and the way I feel love should be. I don't think it's a bad thing, I just think because of it, it takes me a longer time than most to let go once that love is gone.
I was thinking about how I sobbed and never left my house for months when Mr. Paul first left. I remember feeling like my life was over, what would I do now? How would I survive? Almost 2 years later, I am grateful we are not together. However, I held on to Mr. Paul for 12 years while he struggled with his issues, it took him leaving for me to let go of him.
Then when Brian and I broke up, I couldn't let go. I would go see him even though I had absolutely no business doing that. In my mind I thought maybe.......... This ridiculous mind set and behavior lasted until recently and then just the other day I was sitting at the airport thinking what in the hell was I doing?? This is NOT who I am, this is NOT who I want to be and certainly NOT acceptable behavior.
I had the most amazing time with Brian but it's over. Now I think about the things that have happened since we broke up, and knowing what I do about him/me/us, I would never want to go back. Why would I want to be with a man who hides me in a dark corner, while he says he's with someone else?? Why would I want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me ONLY? Answer is I don't and the bigger question here is why was I allowing myself to be placed in the corner? I don't want that, I don't deserve that and I had to finally stop it, it was time I made better decisions. I put myself in this position but I am also taking myself out.
I'm done thinking about what could have been, and am living life for today. I feel sort of at peace now that I am not dwelling on being with him, thinking about the great summer we had and wondering what I will do now? I've been having a lot of fun with friends and family and doing some dating as well. I love his family, I love his friends, and I have no real regrets, it took me awhile to get here but thank God I finally did. He is a great guy but he is not the guy for me. My next journey will be different for sure but I believe it can be even better.