Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Driving slow on the highway.........

I will admit it, it's taken me far too long to get here.  I recently heard someone say "Dating her is like driving 20 on the highway".  They weren't referring to me but I've been thinking about that comment a lot and I think in a way I am like that when it comes to letting go of someone I love(d). 

When I am with someone I love unconditionally.  I am there for them no matter what, I put their needs/wants ahead of my own.  I guess this is the way I am and the way I feel love should be.  I don't think it's a bad thing, I just think because of it, it takes me a longer time than most to let go once that love is gone. 

I was thinking about how I sobbed and never left my house for months when Mr. Paul first left.  I remember feeling like my life was over, what would I do now?  How would I survive?  Almost 2 years later, I am grateful we are not together.  However, I held on to Mr. Paul for 12 years while he struggled with his issues, it took him leaving for me to let go of him.   

Then when Brian and I broke up, I couldn't let go.  I would go see him even though I had absolutely no business doing that.  In my mind I thought maybe..........  This ridiculous mind set and behavior lasted until recently and then just the other day I was sitting at the airport thinking what in the hell was I doing??  This is NOT who I am, this is NOT who I want to be and certainly NOT acceptable behavior. 

I had the most amazing time with Brian but it's over.  Now I think about the things that have happened since we broke up, and knowing what I do about him/me/us, I would never want to go back.  Why would I want to be with a man who hides me in a dark corner, while he says he's with someone else??  Why would I want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me ONLY?  Answer is I don't and the bigger question here is why was I allowing myself to be placed in the corner?  I don't want that, I don't deserve that and I had to finally stop it, it was time I made better decisions.  I put myself in this position but I am also taking myself out. 

I'm done thinking about what could have been, and am living life for today. I feel sort of at peace now that I am not dwelling on being with him, thinking about the great summer we had and wondering what I will do now?  I've been having a lot of fun with friends and family and doing some dating as well.  I love his family, I love his friends, and I have no real regrets, it took me awhile to get here but thank God I finally did.  He is a great guy but he is not the guy for me.  My next journey will be different for sure but I believe it can be even better. 

1 comment:

Sue Eder said...

Sister I am SO PROUD OF YOU! I know this was a hard thing, but you have made the right decision and I am absolutely sure that the right man will come one day and he will be the RIGHT MAN for you and only you. You deserve so much to be happy and enjoy life and being in love with someone who truly loves the person that you are, not what they think you should be, not what they wish you would be, but who you truly are. The amazing, brave, strong and absolutely fun person that we all know and love. Your journey may be hard sometimes but it will be worth it in the long run. Never, ever, settle for second best. You deserve someone who will make you as happy as you will make them and who is just as committed to you as you are to him. In the meantime, have fun, be safe and know you are loved and we are all here for you. Sue