Monday, October 3, 2016
Summer isn't all thats over..........
After slightly more than 6 months of non-stop amazing fun, Brian and I broke up. WHAT? WHY? If only I knew. We spent basically together 5-6 days a week for the past 6 months together. There was only one weekend since the day we met we weren’t together. We went on so many adventures and we laughed harder than I ever have. We talked about moving in together, we said we loved each other, we talked about our future. We never once had a fight, we never once went to bed angry, and we never once had a disagreement, so you ask me what happened? My response is who the hell knows.
I spent 5 days in a row with him like usual, and like usual it was all great. I came home on Tuesday morning and Thursday he tells me he no longer is in love with me and breaks up with me. Normally in this situation I would find myself crying, asking what happened. What did I do? What could I have done differently? I didn’t ask myself these questions this time, I know I did nothing but treat Brian like a king, love his family and friends and basically was the perfect girlfriend. I know that I never had been anything but great to him, and this was not on me to own. I was vulnerable, I gave him 100% every day and I did anything he wanted/needed, I put him ahead of myself. There was literally nothing I didn’t do for him. I put myself out there and was the best possible girlfriend I could be.
I held my head high, shoulders back and although my heart was broken, I didn’t cry, I didn’t ask many questions, and I accepted that he was dismissing not only me and the past 6 months, but he was doing it on the phone after I had just left there. If that wasn’t bad enough, he then brings all my belongings to me when he knew I wasn’t home. Not that I wanted to see him, but in my mind I felt like that was just another chicken shit way for him to avoid looking me in the eyes.
He doesn't agree with my analogies but why would he? If he agreed with me that would be admitting he was unkind to me, admitting that he treated me badly and no one wants to do that. He will admit that I didn't do anything; he will say I was wonderful to him, his son, his family, his friends, basically everyone and that I was always me, I was always the same girl he met that first day, the girl he said he loved even the very day he broke up with me. Did he ever love me, did he use me to spend the summer with and once our final trip was over he was done with me, did he love me but he met someone else because that is what men do and that he just sucks at break ups. Geesh let’s hope I am not that bad a judge of character that I wouldn't have figured that out prior to giving 6 months of my life to a man and loving him in every capacity possible. I do not believe Brian is a bad guy, I think he is really a good man, I believe he knows what happened and he just can't bring himself to say it to me. I also believe that he will totally regret this decision one day. We had a great summer and it was amazing to feel like I was actually loved for once so I refuse to regret anything about meeting him.
All in all, I am glad I found out now, I am glad that I had a remarkable summer but I am angry with how he's made me feel like it was easy to throw me out like last week’s trash, he appears to be totally unemotional regarding his decision to end our relationship, he seems to have no remorse, or feelings at all. I didn’t deserve that, and I certainly would never have treated him so unkind. My biggest problem is I give 100% and I love unconditionally, I trust. If you say you love me, you want a future with me, I believe you, I trust your words. I am kind even when others are not, I always try to be the bigger person and I would never hurt another human on purpose.
I’ve decided not to burry my head, not to sit around and mope. I will continue to hold my head up, shoulders back, smile and continue to search for my prince charming. Until I meet him, I guess I will kiss a whole lot of frogs and probably get hurt again but without risk comes nothing.