Monday, June 27, 2016

True friendship

Yesterday one of my oldest, dearest friends was in town with her remarkable husband.  They have business here every year so I have been fortunate enough to spend a little time with them.  It's not enough, but lord I will take what I can get.  Julie and I met when I was 11, and since then I have done my best to traumatize her in almost any way I could.  She was always a little more reserved and cautious and I fed off that and pushed her outside her comfort zone.  I couldn't begin to count how many memories in my lifetime have her in them.  She has always been there for me, she is stronger than she knows and much stronger than she gives herself credit for, she has the biggest heart of almost anyone I've met, and she would do anything for me (which I love LOL).  She has been an instrumental person in my life. 

When my mom was dying, I was in Oregon but Julie lived 3 hours away.  It was Friday, January 16, 2009, I called her crying and told her that we had taken my mom to the Dr. that day and it wasn't long before she would leave us.  Julie was at work at the time, but left immediately, ran home grabbed some clothes and was at my mom's house within 3 1/2 hours.  I didn't ask, I didn't have too, that is type person she is.  She was there for me when I needed her and quite honestly she has always been.  That wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. 

She says I am the strong one, the rock, the survivor and maybe to an extent I am, but not without the support of such an amazing person.  I have and will always love her. She isn't a friend, she is my family - my life wouldn't be the same without her in it.

I don't know when the next time will be that I will see her, but I do know that it will be like no time has passed at all.  We always pick right up where we left off.  At this time in my life I am thankful for the great relationships that I have and that I can count on, her friendship is only one of them but thank goodness I have it. 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

One Year ago today

Everything I had known changed one year ago today. At the time I thought I would never get through it. I cried everyday, I sobbed actually, for about 5 months, and then finally all the kind and supportive words of you, my family and friends (both old and new) sank in and I realized I actually mattered. I started taking care of myself, got a fitbit and put that sucker to use. For the first time in my entire life I was healthy and I was learning to be happy. The support of my family and friends was overwhelming. Words can't express what that meant to me, how much it helped. To you my family, blood or not, thank you so much for helping me transform into the person I am today, I couldn't have done it without you. If some of you and you know who you are, hadn't forced me to leave my house, live my life, I wouldn't be seeing life now with a whole new set of eyes. I'm so glad I have each one of you in my life. I love you all!!!

Father's Day - 2016

I lost my father when I was 28, Lord knows I miss him every day, he was and will always be my  hero. I will never forget the love he and I shared.  How he loved me to wear the color yellow, how proud he was of me for following in his footsteps by joining the USAF, this man was amazing and I got to call him Dad.  Lord knows I was the lucky one.   

This year the plan was for Brian, Kevin, Craig, Gabe, Emma, Logan and I to take his dad's boat out then have dinner at his moms house.  I knew that Father's day was going to be a tough one, for Craig and Brian this would be their first Father's day without their hero and we were taking their dad's boat out. 

I was excited that I was allowed to share this special day with people I love.  People that have accepted me into their lives.  Scared to say the wrong thing, or maybe just not to say the right thing.  The day was amazing, we took the boat out, we laughed, we played corn hole, we swam, we jumped off the side of the boat all together, we cried and we remembered..........

Toby Keith Concert - Camping

Brian and I and 4 of his friends all decided to go camping at Solomon's Island at the Navy annex (  over the weekend.  The best part was we had front row tickets to the Toby Keith concert Friday night and the camp site was close enough that we could walk to the concert and back.

We hung out at the campsite for several hours prior to the concert and just spent some time with friends, drinking, eating and laughing.  Of course I brought my camera since I am a picture taking machine.  I snapped some here and some there.  Then we were off to see Toby.  Mind you this is Brian's world so of course between him and his friends they knew everyone.  Good thing I am not shy and can talk to anyone because they must have known everyone there.

One of the greatest parts was two wounded veterans they knew.  One of them was blown up in Afghanistan and had lost both legs and was in a wheel chair.  What a great guy, and of course I had to take a picture of us together.  My love of Veterans is uncanny and especially for those who have lost so much and yet give more. 

Friday was the beginning of another perfect weekend.   

Rough day turned amazing

Regardless how happy and content with life I am, of course I still have a bad day or two.  Last week I was just not feeling like myself.  Overall it was a stressful week oh and by this time it was only Wednesday.  Brian and I were emailing back and forth and he had obviously caught on that I was off my game so he suggested I meet him at the dock and he would take me out on the boat for a while that evening.

Man what a perfect idea.  I met him there; he had the boat ready, a smile on his face and the cooler was full.  I got on the boat, took off my shoes, cracked open my first beer and let the wind take me away.  I love to stand up on the boat and just enjoy the fresh air while the music plays our favorite songs on Brian's iPod. 

We stopped at Brian's favorite beach, pulled the boat up on the sand and laid on the front of the boat with the sun beating down on our faces, listening to music, and talked about everything that was bothering me and just enjoyed the peacefulness of the evening and each other's company. 

The sun had moved so Brian took the boat out to the middle of the water and shut it off so we could be in the sun and just relax some more.  Even though Brian was cold and had put on a long sleeve shirt, I decided it was time to swim.  Problem was I had no suit.  Didn't stop me that just meant it was time to improvise.  I swam for a few minutes and got back in the boat and we headed home for the day. 

It sure is nice to have someone in your life that recognizes you’re having a bad day and does something so perfect.  What would I be doing right now without Brian?  Thank goodness I don't have to find out.  I love that man!

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Lunchtime walk in DC

I mean hello people I work in the Nation's Capital.  People save their entire lives to visit DC for a week, and yet I drive here every single day.  As happy as I am, there are days I forget to smell the flowers, listen to the birds and take in the beauty.  Today I took went out and walked the river walk and man was it amazing.  I laid down on a bench and let the sun soak into my skin without a care in the world.  I took a few minutes to listen to the sounds around me, to think about all the things I am thankful for and when I returned to my office, I felt calm. 

Dating Sucks continued...........

My first husband cheated for years.  We were together 10 years and married 6.  When we divorced I swore I would never be with a guy who cheated again.  9 years into my second marriage my husband cheated the first time.  I was devastated, I couldn't believe he did it, I really thought we were actually happy.  I did what I said I would never do and forgave him. 
When I joined my first online dating site, I was petrified.  I tried to remember that people are dishonest, people will probably lie, and I needed to have my eyes wide open at all times.  I paid for one month on zoosk and I met Jeff.  If you read my blog, than you already know the short story of Jeff  Jeff emailed me last week and said we should meet.  I replied and let him know I was exclusively seeing someone.  He wrote back and said thank you for being honest.  I replied and said hey we can be friends, I mean I have no ill will towards him, and I am not opposed to chatting from time to time to see how life is treating him.  He responded that we couldn't be friends.  Ok well whatever that is fine too.  That was that and I didn't think about it again.  Than...............

I was riding in the truck with Brian and scrolling down Facebook when the "People you may know" thing came up.  There it was Jeff's Facebook profile and his profile picture was with a girl.  I was curious, I mean nothing wrong with that, so I clicked on it and since I am not friends with him on Facebook, my visibility is limited but I clicked on the comments of that photo and I could see that people were saying how cute and happy they looked.  That is cool, I want him to be happy, shit I want everyone to be happy for that matter.  Because it's human to be curious, I took a quick nosey look at her profile and saw a lot of pictures of her and Jeff.  One of which was posted on what looked like a vacation to Vegas during the timeframe he was talking with me last fall. 

Now I am mad, because I would never ever date a married or involved man.  Even though we only went to dinner 3 times, I did that not knowing he was involved with another woman.  I asked Brian what I should do.  He said he would send him a friend request so Jeff would know that I know, so I did.  Almost immediately Jeff changed his profile picture and blocked me.  Seriously?  Guilt got ya??

Let me say this, I knew something was off about him from the very beginning.  I asked him over and over again what was up with him and he was convincingly just busy.  His beloved dog had died, then his mom's cat and plus he worked crazy weird hours and was also a DJ on the side.  My gut told me he was full of shit, but I continued to email and text him and tell myself he was a good guy. Ultimately I only met him for dinner three times all of which he paid for but that doesn't excuse him for being dishonest and intentionally betraying me.

I've never cheated on a man and I've never been the other woman, and I pride myself on that.  I will never be a home wrecker, the person who breaks up another person's family, the woman who has no self respect and has a relationship with a man who has confessed his "supposed" love for another, NO WAY IN HELL WILL THAT EVER BE ME, so for Jeff to put me unknowingly into that category I am beyond mad.  I believe in commitment, I believe when you tell someone you love them, that you actually mean it.  I believe if I allow a man to place a ring on my finger that I am his one and only, that he has considered that before he asks to put the ring there.  I believe in a committed relationship, an engagement, and of course a marriage being sacred promises between two people.  If you can't be a one and only to another hey that is fine, just own it.  Don't pretend to commit to a person, don't lead another on or make someone believe you love them when you don't.  Nothing good ever comes from intentionally betraying another person.

I was talking to a friend about this yesterday and they said I should tell Jeff's girlfriend.  Well that is NEVER going to happen. One he could be a crazy man and I am not putting myself or my family/friends in that situation and two if I go back to my 2nd marriage when he cheated the first time, I figured out who she was.  She was married and had a young daughter.  The first time I talked to her, I told her that if she left my family and my husband alone, I wouldn't tell her husband.  My thought process was why destroy another family?  Why hurt her husband and her daughter if I didn't have too, they were innocent just like I was.  I care about people, I care about family and I didn't feel like telling her husband was the right thing to do. 

That is how I still feel.  Jeff will mess up eventually, he will get his, and Karma always comes back around.  Maybe this girl is cheating on him too, maybe she isn't, regardless it's their drama, their problem.  

Maybe the fact that I do my best to be good everyday and was previously handed a raw deal, maybe meeting Brian is my Karma.  I believe Karma can be good as well as bad.  I can tell you that Brian is a fabulous guy who currently is my personal superhero.  He has shown me how it feels to love again, how to laugh all the time, how to smile until your cheeks hurt, how to feel safe.  When I look at him, I see a great man, I'm learning his past, and he mine, I consider myself lucky we met, lucky our hearts were open to love again.  He is the first thing I think of when I wake and the last before I sleep, who knows what the future holds but I pray my future has him in it. 

I say keep the faith, stay good, take the high road, strive everyday to be the best version of yourself you can be and maybe Karma will bless you as it has me.  OR be a liar, a cheat, a fake, hurt others, destroy lives and Karma will come knocking on your door and when it does not only will you be hurt but more often than not, others will be hurt along the way too. 

Bad destroys and spreads like cancer, good is contagious.  Which path will you choose?  To me there is no choice to make.  Good wins every time.