Lately I have been feeling low, down in the dumps as many say. I've been thinking a lot about my mother and how she was when I was a young, how I am now. Wondering if I have solved the mystery of my mother's sadness. Was she so different than I? Am I so different than you?
The summer of 8th grade, I worked babysitting all summer long to earn money to buy school clothes. I wanted for once to fit in, to be accepted. It was no secret my family didn't have money, but I wanted it to stop defining who I was to others.
As a young teen and all those crushes, I never got "the guy". The one I was "madly in love with". In high school same thing. It seemed I wasn't quiet good enough for "him" or pretty enough, or whatever. I was always convinced there was something wrong with me. Change this, do that, be this, be that.....
Now as an adult I find my self worth isn't much better. I am always sad, and feel alone. I see myself push my friends away, tell my family what they want to hear, lay in bed feeling like I'm a million miles away from anyone. Longing for feelings it seems I haven't felt in so long. My entire life I've felt insignificant to almost everyone and the reason as to why is unclear.
To meet me I am confident, funny and full of life, but inside not so much. I watch others and some people really do seem happy and content. I wonder to myself, how do I get there? I have so much, a great job, loving family, a husband I truly adore, but true happiness escapes me.
It's like a mask I've worn so long that it's become part of me. Hide my feelings and be the person everyone else wants me to be. Lately I've found it to hard to deal with so the road I took was one of isolation. I've basically isolated everyone from me, kept them at arms length so they don't see "me", and I don't have to pretend. What I've found is this isn't a great way to live either.
I'm hoping that I can remove the mask, be the real me again, and find that happiness and inner peace I've searched for my entire life.