Me

Me

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Wonder



Sometimes I wonder if I am destined for hard. Seems like my entire life has been a struggle. My parents struggled my entire childhood, then my beginning early adult life until now it's always a struggle. Now with technology and social networks like facebook, I feel like I read everyone's posts and everyone I know their life seems so leave it to Beaver. My life is so not. In my family we call it the Birch curse.



My kids have a hard life too it seems like. I always wonder if I could do something, anything to make their lives easier, but then I turn around and yet more trouble, more drama, more problems. I know in my heart that somethings are just not in my control, nor am I to blame for the things that have happened but my gut says, "what did I do wrong"? Was I too easy on them, did I give too much, did I not teach them enough? Did they not learn anything from me? Did I teach them that?



I thought for sure this would be our year. My family would finally have a new home to kind of start over. We've lived here a month and well I am short two kids. One is on his own, and although it's part of life and it's natural, I hate it. I hate him being gone, living alone, not knowing if he's okay or not, not hearing from him for a day or more. He is of course fine, but I was not prepared for his departure. The other one, well he messed up big time this time and he is not home right now. I can't fix it, I can't control it, I am totally helpless. All I can do is stand there, support him, and hope for the best. I know that my friends have life drama and I know everyone's life isn't a bowl of cherries, but I wonder if it's normal for me to dream of cherries. To hope that for once even if only for a little while, I can get up in the morning and not have any worries? Not have to wonder what if? Should I have? Could I have? Just wake up and enjoy everything around me?



Once I had someone tell me that they felt like no matter what happens to me and my family that we always come out on top or better than before. That amazed me. Literally this person knows me pretty well and knows all about the tribulations I have undergone, and yet for whatever reason they felt like through it all we come out better? I suppose I have had people in my life that I felt like no matter what happened to them they always came out better so I suppose that feeling is normal.




In the summer Trae broke his back in 5 places and he told me he was jumped. Therefore I told my friends he was jumped. Several days later, I found out that was not what happened at all but was too scared, worried, stressed, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, confused, I don't know really the right word to use but I didn't go back and correct what I had previously said. To those that asked me about it after I did tell the truth too but I didn't go back to the previous people. I had several people tell me I was a liar and deleted me from their lives. I was really hurt by that. How could my friend delete me from their lives based on my son lying to me?? Was it not bad enough for me that my son was seriously hurt, in a brace to lay flat on his back for 12 weeks?? How about this? Why does it matter how he was hurt, he is my son and he was hurt badly, is that enough to be there for me as a friend? Additionally with no strings attached?

Now I find myself so angry at so many people for not being there when I needed them. Not asking me if he was okay. Not saying a prayer for him, or for us. Now he is fine, and Coty is in need of prayers. Same situation, stupid behavior caught up with him. He knows it, I know it, but yet he is my son, he is in need, period. Is it really necessary to text me how stupid what he did is? Is that helpful at all? Does it serve any purpose at all? NO! Or the best is when people with babies or people with NO kids at all text me to give me parental advise. Really? Are you seriously shitting me? You have no idea what you would do with your own kid since your kids are like wearing diapers, so how about just keep your rude comments to yourself?? Not helpful and only pisses me off.



I've been in bed sick as a dog for the past 7 days so I've been doing a lot of thinking. Although everything in my life is in utter termoil right now, I am going to wake up tomorrow with a fresh new aspect. I plan on looking around the world I see everyday and seeing the good, watching the sun rise as I drive to work, work hard as I always do, but tomorrow with a smile regardless of how sick I still feel. I plan on telling all my kids and Mr. Paul how much I love them, and how important they are to me. I plan on letting my friends know how important they are to me and trying as hard as I can to do right, everyday in whatever I can so regardless of how hard my life is daily, at least the people within it will know how much I love them. I also want to be there for people even if they haven't been there for me, so that maybe they will be there next time someone needs them. (That's the hardest one for me to do)

I often wonder if life could be easier, and since tomorrow is my 42nd birthday I don't believe those are the cards I will ever be dealt, but I can say that although my life is hard and always has been, I do have a great job, some wonderful friends and a fabulous family. When push comes to shove I am blessed.