Me

Me

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Christmas vacation

As I sit here during my Christmas vacation and think of the year we've had and the things that have happened this year, I find that I am so sad. Our year has not been a great one and I've been thinking so much about all the disappointments, heartache and pain this year has caused.

Then I blinked and suddenly saw something so clear. I looked around the room and saw my family. All three boys happy and laughing while eating dinner and Mr. Paul too. As a kid I remember thinking all I wanted was a husband that loved me and some kids.

Yes this has not been the best year we've ever had and we've had loss but what I wanted as a kid I have. I decided that although one of this years biggest disappointments is not totally over yet, I have so much to be happy about. Do I allow this disappointment I feel to define me? Have I ever allowed disappointment or loss to define me?

Mr. Paul and I have nearly been married 15 years, my kids are happy and healthy, everything else is irrelevant. Life for me has been hard and full of disappointments as it has been for most but ultimately I have so much more than so many.

Home is where I hang my hat, where my kids laugh, where my husband hugs me and kisses me goodnight. My life is a success and I have accomplished to create a family that I wouldn't trade for anything at all. My family is what defines me and for that I am happy.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

My day to day life

For whatever reason, I just realized that although my blog is entitled the day in the life of Trish, this blog is rarely about me. I write of Mr. Paul, the kids, my family, whatever is going on around me but I seldom ever write of me or my actual day to day life.

I guess when you look at the big picture, that statement isn't necessarily true either. My kids, family and Mr. Paul they are my daily life. They are people I entrust in my day to day life. They don't dictate who I am, but they are definitely an extension of me.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Wonder



Sometimes I wonder if I am destined for hard. Seems like my entire life has been a struggle. My parents struggled my entire childhood, then my beginning early adult life until now it's always a struggle. Now with technology and social networks like facebook, I feel like I read everyone's posts and everyone I know their life seems so leave it to Beaver. My life is so not. In my family we call it the Birch curse.



My kids have a hard life too it seems like. I always wonder if I could do something, anything to make their lives easier, but then I turn around and yet more trouble, more drama, more problems. I know in my heart that somethings are just not in my control, nor am I to blame for the things that have happened but my gut says, "what did I do wrong"? Was I too easy on them, did I give too much, did I not teach them enough? Did they not learn anything from me? Did I teach them that?



I thought for sure this would be our year. My family would finally have a new home to kind of start over. We've lived here a month and well I am short two kids. One is on his own, and although it's part of life and it's natural, I hate it. I hate him being gone, living alone, not knowing if he's okay or not, not hearing from him for a day or more. He is of course fine, but I was not prepared for his departure. The other one, well he messed up big time this time and he is not home right now. I can't fix it, I can't control it, I am totally helpless. All I can do is stand there, support him, and hope for the best. I know that my friends have life drama and I know everyone's life isn't a bowl of cherries, but I wonder if it's normal for me to dream of cherries. To hope that for once even if only for a little while, I can get up in the morning and not have any worries? Not have to wonder what if? Should I have? Could I have? Just wake up and enjoy everything around me?



Once I had someone tell me that they felt like no matter what happens to me and my family that we always come out on top or better than before. That amazed me. Literally this person knows me pretty well and knows all about the tribulations I have undergone, and yet for whatever reason they felt like through it all we come out better? I suppose I have had people in my life that I felt like no matter what happened to them they always came out better so I suppose that feeling is normal.




In the summer Trae broke his back in 5 places and he told me he was jumped. Therefore I told my friends he was jumped. Several days later, I found out that was not what happened at all but was too scared, worried, stressed, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, confused, I don't know really the right word to use but I didn't go back and correct what I had previously said. To those that asked me about it after I did tell the truth too but I didn't go back to the previous people. I had several people tell me I was a liar and deleted me from their lives. I was really hurt by that. How could my friend delete me from their lives based on my son lying to me?? Was it not bad enough for me that my son was seriously hurt, in a brace to lay flat on his back for 12 weeks?? How about this? Why does it matter how he was hurt, he is my son and he was hurt badly, is that enough to be there for me as a friend? Additionally with no strings attached?

Now I find myself so angry at so many people for not being there when I needed them. Not asking me if he was okay. Not saying a prayer for him, or for us. Now he is fine, and Coty is in need of prayers. Same situation, stupid behavior caught up with him. He knows it, I know it, but yet he is my son, he is in need, period. Is it really necessary to text me how stupid what he did is? Is that helpful at all? Does it serve any purpose at all? NO! Or the best is when people with babies or people with NO kids at all text me to give me parental advise. Really? Are you seriously shitting me? You have no idea what you would do with your own kid since your kids are like wearing diapers, so how about just keep your rude comments to yourself?? Not helpful and only pisses me off.



I've been in bed sick as a dog for the past 7 days so I've been doing a lot of thinking. Although everything in my life is in utter termoil right now, I am going to wake up tomorrow with a fresh new aspect. I plan on looking around the world I see everyday and seeing the good, watching the sun rise as I drive to work, work hard as I always do, but tomorrow with a smile regardless of how sick I still feel. I plan on telling all my kids and Mr. Paul how much I love them, and how important they are to me. I plan on letting my friends know how important they are to me and trying as hard as I can to do right, everyday in whatever I can so regardless of how hard my life is daily, at least the people within it will know how much I love them. I also want to be there for people even if they haven't been there for me, so that maybe they will be there next time someone needs them. (That's the hardest one for me to do)

I often wonder if life could be easier, and since tomorrow is my 42nd birthday I don't believe those are the cards I will ever be dealt, but I can say that although my life is hard and always has been, I do have a great job, some wonderful friends and a fabulous family. When push comes to shove I am blessed.













Saturday, September 10, 2011

More progress













The builder is saying the house will be done October 2. That's 2 weeks ahead of schedule. I am not upset at all, so tired of moving. Here are the latest photos.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Progress

















The builder broke ground on July 7, 2011 and the above photos are where we are. The fireplace is in, the electric is wired, the plumbing is in, the windows are in and the exterior doors are in. It's been very exciting and of course stressful. We finished our final appointment on Saturday which as picking the flooring.


The next 8 weeks will go by slowly I am sure but it should be very exciting watching it come together and hopefully be everything we dreamed it to be. I don't think it's possible for it not to be since we have chosen everything from the ground up.


Mr. Paul and I have been through some rough times with buying and moving from home to home. We have moved 3 times since May 2011 and 5 times since 2007. Its been crazy and hard and very rough but now we have a light at the end of the tunnel.


I know everyone in my family will appreciate what we have been through and what it's taken to get there. We look forward to the future.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The making of our home









July 7, 2011, and Coty's 17th birthday they broke ground on our new home. In 14 weeks we will be moving for the final time. October can't come soon enough.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Richmond Motor Speedway





Mr. Paul and I had an opportunity to attend our first Nationwide race for NASCAR at the Richmond Motor Speedway. A guy at work has season tickets and couldn't attend so we bought his tickets. We had never been to Richmond and never been to a Nationwide race. It was a fun day but not like the Cup or the truck races since neither Mr. Paul or I have a favorite driver in Nationwide. It was not something we would do again, but it's now checked off the list of things to do.
I did however buy a awesome Jimmy Johnson #48 hoodie to wear so that made it all worth it. The thing I hate about NASCAR shops is nothing is ever girlie. Yes they have "A" pink hat per driver but nothing is ever unique or strickly girlie. Like my hoodie they have the same print for every driver. I would rather have something unique to my driver. To top it off my hoodie is for a girl but only came in dark blue would have liked it so much better in pink, but it's Jimmy all the same.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

2011 Andrews AFB air show

Mr. Paul, Logan and I went to the air show at Andrews AFB. We were all surprised at the lack of compassion for handicap. I have a problem if I walk to much from a car accident I was in several years ago. The website indicated there was a shuttle that took the handicap from the BX (the designated parking for handicap) to the airshow which if walked is about 2/3 or 3/4 of a mile. Well come to find out no shuttle and no compassion for me or anyone else that was parked there. We walked which as previously stated is somewhat of a problem for me and did I mention it was 90 degrees outside? Oh well the show was great and now I have an 11 year old who says he is going to join the military because it's so cool. Here are some pictures from our adventure.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

New Beginnings


3 acres of peace and quiet. That is the lot Mr. Paul and I have chosen to build our new house on. Pictures to come as changes take place. We got our approval letter from the bank so now we just need to sign the contract with the builder. We have chosen the builder and the floor plan is final, just a few final decisions.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Just shut your mouth


Do you know someone that everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie? Or everything that matters anyway. Even when people like this are telling the truth you don't believe them because they have lied so much before.


Under normal circumstances we wouldn't surround ourselves with someone like this, we would delete them from our facebook, or stop calling them, maybe block them from calling us, but what do you do when it's someone that isn't easily disposed of?


The person like this in my life is really on my last nerve. It's not bad enough that everything out of their mouth is some form of a lie, or hugely stretched form of the truth but they actually go to the point of trying to convince me they aren't lying by saying they told me and I have forgotten.


Remember when we were driving down the road and you almost hit that car in front of us when we were on the way to the movies? Well that's what we were talking about when that happened. So now they haven't just lied but they are building more onto the initial lie and thinking I'm so stupid I don't know any better.

Well I've been dealing with this craziness for years and I think I'm finished with it finally.


So would you please just stop lying and shut your mouth. (You know who you are)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Fed up


I started this blog as a way to give me some therapeutic help when my mother died, but since then I have really tried to stay somewhat honest but upbeat. This week has not been one of my better weeks. I am pretty much pissed at everyone in my house with exception to one person whose identity shall remain anonymous till the end to keep your curiosity going.


Lets see, first Mr. Paul is in California this week he left Monday and although his absence was very much something I was looking forward too, when he left I missed him (day 1). Then the drama with him started and it was all to clearly as to why I was looking forward to my week break from him. Today is Thursday he returns in two days and it's like he's never left. The only difference between him being there and being here is we ride to and from work together.


I am taking a college class (Marine Biology) and I am not doing as well in it as I would like. Biology has never been my strength. Lets face it I failed it in high school for 3 years because I wouldn't dissect a frog.


I cleaned the house (which is fairly easy considering it's almost all the way packed) and the boys come through and it's like I did nothing.


I have been asking Coty for two weeks to clean his room. Let me explain he has clothes on his bed, on his floor, covering the entire room. In his dresser? Nothing! When and I do want to say when he does actually clean his room it consists of one of two things. One he takes all the clothes in his entire room and throws them into the dirty laundry or two he throws them into his armor (dresser) in one big swoosh and God help you if/when you open it. Apparently now he is almost 17 and he feels that he can be big and bad so when I say please clean your room I don't get the above 2 options, I get WHY DOES IT MATTER, IT'S MY ROOM THEIR ONLY CLOTHES! It's not a normal friendly tone either, it's this condescending, loud, shut the hell up tone that makes me want to gouge out his larynx out and throw it into the woods. So now that it's been 2 weeks and the room of clothes that isn't mine to worry about is still messy I've made a parental decision. If there is so much as a sock on that damn floor when I wake up tomorrow it's getting bagged up and taken to the Salvation Army.


Lets talk about Trae. He smokes and although he hasn't done it in front of me he sits in his truck by the mailbox and smokes while he sits in his truck. Well I guess because I am a rational thinker I never once thought he was throwing his butts out the window of the truck on the ground. Me as an ex smoker, I would never dream of doing that. I flicked off on a neighbor for throwing a butt in my yard, that's some ghetto shit period. Well today I went to the mailbox and there had to be 30 butts on the road. Now lets think about this, it's not the yard, it's not the driveway but its still the street in front of our house. Are you freaking kidding me??? I warned him today to pick up every one of them before it was dark or he would be paying me 25 cents per butt I picked up.


I told them (Trae and Coty) two weeks ago that the hallway bathroom was their responsibility. They were to decide amongst the two of them who would do it or how they would split it, but it was to be cleaned once a week by Friday. Now tomorrow is Friday and it's the second Friday since the conversation and it hasn't been cleaned yet. Seriously what do I have to do, this house is 3 floors, 3600 square ft, do I really have to clean a bathroom that I have never stepped into except to clean? Bull crap and I'm sick of it.


My job? Job is wonderful, boss is wonderful, commute is wonderful, love it, but the person who sits directly in front of me in her cube is a whisperer. You know the type. The person who thinks that they are so invaluable and so whatever that they speak so softly that you feel like ripping their tongue out when they talk. I'm looking at her, I see her mouth moving but all I hear is like this fricking annoying hissing sound that makes me want to gouge out my own eyes. It's like being in a real live Charlie Brown comic. BLAH BLAH BLAH you know the teacher is speaking but what the hell is she saying. If that wasn't bad enough all day you hear this hissing sound like a whistle non stop all day 9 hours.


We are supposed to be building a house, and the loan paperwork is taking forever. Understandable the world is crazy, banks are leery but everyday that goes by is another day my builder can't start and we aren't making progress. Our lease ends June 30 and as of today we have no where to live and even if the house were started today it wouldn't be done till August so basically I have no idea where my family is going to live. In regards to that the boys (Trae and Coty) are going to visit their dad in Oregon. The dates are June 25 - July 5. Perfect, now I don't have my kids to help move but I won't have their friends either. With my back being the way it is, hmmm one wonders what the heck are we going to do now???? Good Luck Mr. Paul!


I really don't think I have much more to complain about so if you haven't figured it out already, Logan is the one and only person that isn't annoying me. He makes my bed everyday, he cleans up what the other two mess up, he helps me, he will do anything I ask. Shout out to Logan for remaining off my shit list when just about everyone else is on it.


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I finally did it...

My son Trae has 4 tattoo's. One = a lion and tribal on his left shoulder. Two = purple angel wings on his collar bone (base of his neck) he got the wings in remembrance of my mother and purple for his lost friend Stephen Pronobis. Three = Always on his left wrist and Four = Spartans helmet that is torn and tattered. His explanation to that was that life is hard but you must keep fighting and press on.
He has always wanted me to get a tattoo. He begs me and I have always wanted one, but couldn't think of the perfect one to get, something I would want forever, something I would never sick of. Something I would always love.

So last week I did it. I got "Always" on my left wrist as my son has, he wanted his momma to have it, he wanted to be there and I did it. It meant a lot to me that he wanted me to have it, it meant a lot to me that he wanted to share that with me, it just meant a lot to me overall.

So regardless of what you think or feel I have it, and I will "ALWAYS" love it.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Not a lie


A lie is defined as a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive. I get that but in my world I would like to take the definition one step more. To me a lie is also intentionally NOT telling me something.

I have had this thought in my head my entire life. As an adult I have tried to go through my day to day life with the thought that the truth is always harder than a lie and life is hard enough all by itself without adding complications to it, like lies. When you lie you have no integrity, when you have no integrity, I have no use for you.

So the moral of my story is I was shocked today to realize that I must be alone in this. I was talking to my son's principal today and he said to me "Logan didn't lie to me, he just left some of the story out". OMG what? I corrected him and said that not telling is lying PERIOD!!!! If you didn't think telling the ENTIRE story would get you in trouble why wouldn't you tell the entire story? The fact remains that you know you did something wrong and you instinctively try to protect yourself.

Am I alone?

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Daytona 500
























































































Mr. Paul, Logan and I drove to Gainsville, FL to my sisters house on February 17th for the truck race on the 18th. It took 13 hours and we drove it straight down. We got up Friday and drove to Daytona Beach FL for the race. We parked inside the track and went in to see Ron and his wife Lindy. Once in we got to go to the race track which we have never been allowed to do before and Logan wrote his name on the start finish line. The day after that we drove to Cocoa Beach, FL to see Mr. Paul's mother and spend a night with her. It was a wonderful visit.


























Then we drove home stopping half way to sleep in a hotel and arriving home Monday February 22. It was a very long trip in a short amount of time, but it was really fun.