Tuesday, December 21, 2010

New Years resolutions

Okay who the hell thought of creating this list of things we want to change upon the New Years? We've all done it, we've created this list of negatives in our lives that we WANT to change upon New Years day. I want to work out, lose weight, stop yelling, spend time with family and friends, buy a house, stop using credit cards, etc.... the list goes on and on, I've done it, you've done it, we've all done it, but ultimately if we make the change what the hell does it have to do with New Years? If it's important can't we make the change now? I get the whole goal thing, quitting smoking that was a goal, I did it August 15, 2010. Of course thanks to my having self control and motivation to quit something that was ultimately going to kill me, I have created yet another problem. FOOD... OMG the food - if it's not nailed to the floor, or being chewed by another, I'm shoveling it down. Therefore now I have 25 pounds to lose, no clothes that fit and the self esteem of an ant.

You wonder why there hasn't been any family photos? Any new photos of me? Let me spell it out for you, FOOD IS NOT MY FRIEND. Then I wonder is it really that I quit smoking? My friend said that maybe it's that ever since I started this new job that I love so much maybe I'm settled so to speak. I thought you know that could be true, but after careful consideration, I thought what settles but a house. LOL funny a house settles not a body.

So what else could it be? After careful consideration and 41 long years of life, I have noticed that when I am confronted with stress, I eat. So many people like me in the world, I think we are often termed "stress eaters". Last year many of you will remember that my son lost a friend to suicide and the effect it had on my son was well it was horrible. We made it through that, and I actually began to believe the bad times were behind us.

So much for that, how stupid am I really?? Two days ago, Mr. Paul and I were out Christmas shopping and we decided to stop and order the boys some food, when the text comes in. He wants to know if he can go see his girlfriend. That's a pretty innocent text, but I had to request since we were gone that he wait until we arrive home which would be in about 20 minutes so his younger brother would not be home alone.

Holy dog crap you would have thought I literally gnawed off his arm with my teeth. WTH was I thinking to request such a thing. However stupid me for not expecting the wrath of such a response. He didn't respond with anything but an "Alrighty". I thought well okay then wow he isn't mad, cool. Then I came home. For about the first 30 minutes all was normal, but then it happened. Out of no where he tells me that the night before when he asked to go to a friends house, they decided not to go there and he went to the mall instead. I said well the mall closes at 10 you got home at 12 where were you for 2 hours? He said well after the mall we went there. So I said "how come after 2 years of getting into trouble for not telling me where you are, you still don't get it? He looked at me and out it came. You are such a bad parent, you have always favored Trae, my dad knows it, Trae knows it, Paul knows it, everyone knows it. Whatever I do is a no, whatever Trae wants is a yes.

I began to justify. I don't favor one over the other, one is simply a grown adult, with a job, a car, and the same rules don't apply. Then it comes, you are a FAILURE! My dad and I were just talking about this the other day, you shelter me too much. I swear I think my heart stopped, my only thought was don't cry, don't cry, OMG did he just call me a failure??? I thought no he didn't say that, I just thought that's what he said until oooops here he goes with more. When I turn 18 next year, I am out of here, I hate you, I hate looking at you, I hate talking to you, I will never ever speak to you again. I have never cussed on this blog but this calls for a big fat HOLY SHIT. I was shocked, I was hurt, I was emotionally crushed, I walked away. I sat on the couch and I told Mr. Paul, please call Andy and ask him what we should do. I don't know what to do, but I can't take this. His words just kept creeping back into my brain like a hammer, YOU'RE A FAILURE, YOU'RE A FAILURE!!!!!!!!

So there you have it, the words that I never thought I would ever hear. This happened two days ago and he hasn't said a word to me until today. Ready for round two?

Today he tells me that tomorrow at school is a half day and no one is going. I say, you are going. He says well I have to have a book then can you take me to Borders? Why do you need a book today for tomorrow? Can't you write the name of the book down and we'll get it this weekend? If no one is going to school tomorrow why do you need it tomorrow? So I got this perfect thought. I bought Trae the new Steven King book, it's a bunch of several short stories, I will give Coty that book, ask him to take it tomorrow and don't mess it up and then I will buy another one after Christmas and everyone is happy, right? This is the big HELL NO. Of course you give me something that was Trae's, you've always favored him. If Trae wanted to stay home from school you would have let him but because it's me, I have to go to school. So typical, never says anything to me but NO.

Please tell me what did I do wrong? I have been laying in bed all day literally working from my laptop with the heating pad on my stomach from terrible pain. I don't want to go to Borders, I don't want to breath, and I certainly don't want to fight, but of course because I gave him what I had bought as a gift for Trae and I was making him go to school on a half day when no one else is going I am again called a failure. WTF??? If I am the only parent in the county making their kid go to school, wouldn't the school be shut down?

So I wait, I wait for Christmas day to sit in the room while he opens all the things I bought for him out of love and now all I want to do it hit him over the head with them. Some say I should return everything I bought for him and have him sit there while the other two open gifts. I just couldn't do that but at the same time am I rewarding bad behavior? Oh did I forget to tell this one? Last week he asked me to return all his gifts and give him the money so he could buy his girlfriend something super. I said no of course, he went off, he said that it wasn't too much to ask, and if that's what he wanted why couldn't I just do it. I said Okay how about I return all your gifts, take the money and give it to charity in your name? Okay yeah he didn't like that answer either. So now he has gifts, that he supposedly doesn't want and I lay in bed crying over how to fix this child that seems broken.

Is he broken? Does he really just hate me, could it be as simple as that? Is it his 18 and 19 year old friends that run the streets, do what they want, everyday and every night that Coty just longs to be accepted by? is it a combination of all of this? How do I fix it?

So when you ask me what is your New Years resolution, I need to lose weight, I need to exercise, but all I really need is my son to have some peace within and show me some love.