Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Smoking or not

I think most teens experiment with cigarettes from time to time, as I know I did. Both of my parents were smokers although the only recollection I have of them smoking was when I was a young teen I remember my mother locking herself into the bathroom so she could sneak one.

My next memory of smoking, I was in the back of the car with Andy, his father and a family friend I think her name was Jane. They were in the front seat smoking and the windows were only down slightly. I remember Andy saying how it stunk and how he would never smoke (for the record he does) and I said I probably would.

Long story short the day I got off the plane at technical school in Mississippi the first thing I did was buy a pack. Maybe it was the first time away from home, maybe it was the stress of basic training, maybe that everyone I knew smoked, who knows really, maybe its just in my blood.

So since I was 20 I have been a smoker off and on. I believe the longest I have ever quit was for 2 years. My kids always complain about the smell or dog me about how it will kill me. So the moral of this story? I quit smoking again. The one thing that I have to de-magnify my stress level. I don't miss the dry mouth or the smell on my clothes, but being able to go outside and release my stress I do miss that.

Everyone tells me I should be proud of myself but all I can see is the 12 pounds of weight I have gained. Most of my clothes don't fit, most often to cover that I just leave my pants unzipped and unbutton ed and wear a long shirt. Sad but true.

So I asked my son Trae would you rather have a fat mom or a mom that smokes? He said a fat mom. Although he continued to say that I am not fat and made me feel as if I had made all the right decisions.

So I have been plugging along, swallowing every morsel of food that wasn't nailed to the ground and resisting the urge to smoke and you know what I found out? One of my children smokes. Yeah and what can I say about it? Not a damn thing. Nothing like calling the kettle black if I do. All I can say is I hope that my addiction is not his. It's one day at a time for me and the weight gain although it doesn't help my already small esteem issue, I know one day that will pass too.

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