Thursday, January 21, 2010

Is there loss without Gain?

One year ago today my mother died, and my father died in 1995. Its not something we can grasp until it happens. It's not something we can plan for and its certainly not something we want. We all live and we all experience death at some point in our lives. Whether we are kids, young adults, or even older, ultimately someone we love dies. Its part of life, unfortunately that's the ugly truth.
When it happens people say how sorry they are for your loss. I wonder why the word loss is used. Is it because the words dead, death, died, killed or even passed are so hard to hear? Regardless of the word used it's still a loss but what is the loss?
I believe regardless of the loss, we all grieve. Of course differently than others but grief is grief no matter how you slice it. For me the loss of my parents is unfathomable. It means I can't talk to them, I can't see them, I can't hug them or tell them how much I love them.
But I also believe that I did not lose. Loss is interpreted as you lost something but what about what I gained? I had the best parents a kid could want. When I spoke to someone about being in Oregon with my family when my mother was dying here is what I said.
I am usually the loud one, the joker, the center of attention. While in Oregon I remember sitting in my parents rocker and watching my family. My siblings, my Uncles and Aunts, my friends, my many nieces and nephews and their spouses and their children, and I remember feeling so lucky.
When I was young I never allowed anyone to come to my house. I was ashamed. I felt like people would judge me based on our being poor. I had a low self esteem about my school clothes, my not so stylish hair, you name it I was ashamed. I thought no one would like me if they knew I was poor because I had nothing to offer them.
As I sat in that rocker feeling lucky, I realized for the first time in my life, that my parents gave me more than any parents could have hoped for. They gave me such a huge family and believe it or not we almost always get along. Although the house was filled with grief for our upcoming loss there was an overwhelming amount of love.
Now with both my parents in another place, and people say I'm sorry for your loss, I have to smile and think quietly how there is no loss in my life, no regret, and surely no shame. For what is life really without loss for all the things you gain?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

2010 full of possibilities

I have survived through 2009 and now that its over I have buried it and hope I never have another 2009. 2010 is full of possibilities.

To begin it couldn't possibly be worse and when I focus on the positive we have some positives to review.

Paul and I will celebrate our 13 year wedding anniversary (February 28).

I really look forward to Trae playing High School baseball. He is a great pitcher with a gift that for the past few years he has done nothing with. Not that he will now (again not assuming anything) but I hope he does.

I would like to think that the worst is over in dealing with Coty. He has been through a lot this past year as well and has made some really poor decisions, but I hope we have crossed that bridge not to ever have to return. My mother-in-law, Patty says some kids grow up easy, some hard, and some never grow up. I would like to think that Coty has just decided to grow up hard but will grow up. I think Coty will play Little League so I am excited about watching him play as well.

Trae "should" graduate. I say should because I wouldn't want to assume anything. I have learned that anytime I assume anything with any of my kids I am shamefully mistaken so I will just assume that he will graduate.

We plan to move in July which is both dreadful and exciting at the same time. The house is bigger and a lot more open (windows) and that should be cheerful.

I don't know what else the year will bring for us but I hope and pray that it will be a good year.