Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sick of it

I try to be a reasonable person but although I know why Mr. Paul and I argue it's really on my last nerve. I guess since this is my blog I have to be as honest with myself as possible. I try to remember that with Mr. Paul being the "man of the house" and being unemployed for a year next month has taken a toll on him. I know people get in a rut and it's hard to get out of it, but how come I feel like everyone in the house is punished for Mr. Paul's unemployment???

He stays up most the night, I am well on my way to never never land by the time he enters the bed. I get up before the rosters crow and he is sleeping and when I get home like all of us I'm tired. I get here and the house may or may not be clean, there may or may not be dinner, Mr. Paul may or may not be in a good mood. Quite honestly he is always mad, he is always irritated and I am honestly sick of walking into a bomb shell every day.

I can't change that he doesn't work, I can't change the way he feels. I honestly find there are times I do resent him. I hate when I have to get up at 5:00 am and he is snoozing, I hate that I have to commute and he doesn't and I hate that I come home starving and there's nothing ready for me to eat. (I'm being honest).

For example, today he was mad because the dishwasher was clean and yet the boys would open it to get a fork but not unload the entire thing. When I asked if anyone was going to do the dishes Mr. Paul said neither he or I would be doing it but yet he hadn't asked either of them to do it. Trae hasn't been home all day and Coty is not feeling well. Not to mention he didn't ask either of them to do it. He says he shouldn't have too, I say they aren't going to do it if you don't ask. So Mr. Paul and I end up in this fight because ultimately the kitchen needs to be done and isn't.

It just seems like our marriage has become two against each other instead of a team. Yesterday when we were going to the dealership for Trae he made a comment like this. "I don't know why I am going, it's not like I can do anything". While at the dealership he says "its your jeep". It makes me want to scream. I would never have bought the jeep for me, I don't even like driving it, and yet he throws it in my face everyday that "it's my jeep" because my name is on the title and his isn't.

I am not innocent and although I know it definitely doesn't help to even bring it up but I am human and it does. Even the kids who normally are tight with Mr. Paul they don't even want to ask him anything because he is ALWAYS in a bad mood. For example: Mr. Paul is on his way to blockbuster and Coty just asked me if Trae could take him to blockbuster to rent a game. I told him to call Mr. Paul since he was already on his way there and he said naw he's already in a bad mood so I would rather Trae just took him.

Ultimately I guess what we are experiencing is not that unique to a family with our situation in today's economy but it is so frustrating and I wonder if we will ever have what we used to or if it's too late.

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