Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Trae and his new car

tough guy Coty the day Trae got his new car
God forbid he shows any emotion
I think he is smiling, amazing!
At the dealership right before they cleaned it.

I have been slacking on keeping up with blogs. Recently Trae started having a lot of car trouble so we had no choice but to buy him a new car. Well I shouldn't say buy him, since he is paying for it. We took him, helped him find a good car and the payment is right for him.

Although he has never had a bill before so he is really stressing about this payment. It's not even due until the middle of January and he has more than enough already for the first payment but he is really stressing.

Once he graduates he will have to pay the insurance too and that is going to be an issue for him. Oh well all I know is this is one thing I can cross off my list of things to worry about.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Did you say "Suicide"?

For the past 6 months I have sat back and watched my sons grieve the death of their good friend, Stephen A. Pronobis. I thought with time it would pass or they would find a way to work through it. I was wrong. Since Stephen's death, Coty has been arrested, expelled from his high school, and progressively sinking farther and farther down. He is angry, he is hurting and although I have him in counseling and I have tried to do whatever I can to help its just doesnt seem to be enough.

I decided I needed to do more, so I found an angel. Dennis Liegghio agreed to come to one of the local high schools and speak about suicide. He brought Jean Larch a fellow founder of to discuss the warning signs, her experiences and her book. Her book is entitled Dying to be free.

Dennis' father committed suicide when he was 14. His last words to his father were all but great, and yet all he remembered. He spent the next 10 years of his life grief stricken, filled with regret and drugs. About the age of 24 he decided to give back, to take his loss and try to give others hope and understanding about that secret word that is only ever really whispered at best.

Dennis coming here was never about me, but I have to say as they spoke and I looked around the room and felt so proud. How could I not? Seriously this duo came to speak to my friends and community about suicide for no other reason than to help us cope. They are a non profit organization that gave so much more than money ever could. They have buttons, CD's, books and shirts with their logo on it all of which are donations only. They did leave some for me because I thought I could sell them for them, as a small way to try to give even more.

What does the logo mean? We have all heard that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but that's just not the way life usually works. We are faced with obstacles and challenges throughout lives and we are forced to take a detour to overcome those obstacles. The logo symbolizes those detours and contains the infinity symbol to represent our journey through life.

When it came to taking Dennis and Jean back to the airport I found my heart aching. I felt sad, like I was saying goodbye to my family. How can it be possible to feel so close to people you only just met? Someone who takes the most tragic and personal situation to happen to his life and share it with perfect strangers to try to help them. How much strength and admiration I feel for this person. I found myself crying (Shocker) while I hugged them goodbye. Then the coolest thing happened. When I gave Jean a hug she told me she would miss me and I could hear the tears in her struggled voice. I had made two more life long friends.

We've all heard the saying "Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take but about the moments that take our breath away". Well for me this was one of those moments.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

What is normal?

Sometimes when I reflect on my day or my life thus far I wonder if I am normal? Is it normal to have a good day, a bad day, good, bad, etc? Is it normal to be so emotional? Am I the only one in the world who literally feels dizzy from the roller coaster in which I seem to be unable to get off of? Am I the only one on the roller coaster? Is it normal to watch a Hallmark commercial and be brought to tears? but the next moment be twirling around blowing bubbles for no known reason (sounds just like me huh?).

I've talked many times on here about all the changes in which I have made within myself. How I am more forgiving than I ever was before. How I am less vocal (really I am) than I used to be. How one day I feel as if the changes in me have made me a better person but really in all honesty I have always been the same person. I simply have grown up, matured and have learned a better delivery of the things I say - learned to pick my battles but many people, family to boot have mistaken this change for thinking that I am not longer Trish.

Then I wonder what is wrong with Trish? Family well they have to love you but they don't have to like you, text you, call you, email you, and friends, well friends choose you. Ultimately all the people in my life have made a choice to be there so I have to believe that Trish is a good, decent and fun person. LOL Why else would I feel my cup runneth over with all the family and friends who support me and who are in my life.

What is normal? Normal is nonexistent. It is not defined. Normal is whatever we experience. Normal is life changes, people change but hopefully you my friend reading this, hopefully you don't change and you always remain in my life because life with you in it is so much more gratifying then life without you.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sick of it

I try to be a reasonable person but although I know why Mr. Paul and I argue it's really on my last nerve. I guess since this is my blog I have to be as honest with myself as possible. I try to remember that with Mr. Paul being the "man of the house" and being unemployed for a year next month has taken a toll on him. I know people get in a rut and it's hard to get out of it, but how come I feel like everyone in the house is punished for Mr. Paul's unemployment???

He stays up most the night, I am well on my way to never never land by the time he enters the bed. I get up before the rosters crow and he is sleeping and when I get home like all of us I'm tired. I get here and the house may or may not be clean, there may or may not be dinner, Mr. Paul may or may not be in a good mood. Quite honestly he is always mad, he is always irritated and I am honestly sick of walking into a bomb shell every day.

I can't change that he doesn't work, I can't change the way he feels. I honestly find there are times I do resent him. I hate when I have to get up at 5:00 am and he is snoozing, I hate that I have to commute and he doesn't and I hate that I come home starving and there's nothing ready for me to eat. (I'm being honest).

For example, today he was mad because the dishwasher was clean and yet the boys would open it to get a fork but not unload the entire thing. When I asked if anyone was going to do the dishes Mr. Paul said neither he or I would be doing it but yet he hadn't asked either of them to do it. Trae hasn't been home all day and Coty is not feeling well. Not to mention he didn't ask either of them to do it. He says he shouldn't have too, I say they aren't going to do it if you don't ask. So Mr. Paul and I end up in this fight because ultimately the kitchen needs to be done and isn't.

It just seems like our marriage has become two against each other instead of a team. Yesterday when we were going to the dealership for Trae he made a comment like this. "I don't know why I am going, it's not like I can do anything". While at the dealership he says "its your jeep". It makes me want to scream. I would never have bought the jeep for me, I don't even like driving it, and yet he throws it in my face everyday that "it's my jeep" because my name is on the title and his isn't.

I am not innocent and although I know it definitely doesn't help to even bring it up but I am human and it does. Even the kids who normally are tight with Mr. Paul they don't even want to ask him anything because he is ALWAYS in a bad mood. For example: Mr. Paul is on his way to blockbuster and Coty just asked me if Trae could take him to blockbuster to rent a game. I told him to call Mr. Paul since he was already on his way there and he said naw he's already in a bad mood so I would rather Trae just took him.

Ultimately I guess what we are experiencing is not that unique to a family with our situation in today's economy but it is so frustrating and I wonder if we will ever have what we used to or if it's too late.