Thursday, November 26, 2009

What am I thankful for???

When I awoke this morning I thought about the dreaded cooking, all the awful football games, the mess, the dishes and how my stomach was definitely going to burst after all the food I knew I would eat.

I got up and texted everyone in my cell phone address book, I signed on to Facebook and said my usual funny antidote about the day and read everything all my friends and family had to say about this day of thanks. Pretty much the usual stuff you would expect to read on Thanksgiving. Of course I am so thankful for all the same things my friends, my family, my husband, my life, my health, my kids, all those things go without saying.

Then as I stood in the kitchen in my apron on (pink of course) and my IPOD cranking a little of this and a little of that I thought about all the things I was really most thankful for......

I thought about the most wonderful 28 years I had with my dad. With his hair almost always sticking up somewhere for lack of combing it, his missing teeth and the ones he did have were probably rotten, his muscle shirt that most definitely had something ridiculous written on it, standing there with that most perfect smile. How he loved me in yellow, how he bought me a yellow dress from the Salvation Army when I was in first grade and how I wore it everyday until my mother threw it away. He was the most the most important man I would ever know and love.

I thought about my mother. The 39 cherished years I was blessed to be her daughter. How as a child I hated her, and one lucky day I realized she was my most bestest friend. The one person in this world who knew every detail of my everyday life. The person I couldn't wait to tell everything too. The woman who in her last moments was so worried something would happen to the things I asked for that she boxed up my dishes and wrote my name on the box and she safety pinned the ring I had given her years before to her bedroom curtain for me. The woman that changed my life and gave me everything I could ever hope to give my own kids.

I thought about my most thoughtful sister, Janna (banana)who I never really knew until last year. Her surprise visit for my birthday. She is beautiful, funny as crap and so giving. She has the most frigging awesome husband, Troy. He looks at me sometimes and I wonder what he is thinking. What lie had Banana told him?? He wears these huge belt buckles they make me smile - frigging hill billy. He always listens to me over facebook or on the phone when I am venting or sad, or crying. When someone in the family hurts me, I call him. He always says the perfect thing. They have truly been a gift.

I thought about my cherished sister, Sue (SuzyQ) who brought banana here to give us a chance to see the wonder in each other. The gift Sue gave me of a sister I never knew is inconceivable. She is so funny and beautiful (they say I look just like her) and my God the memories of her I have. That damn blind ass shetland pony named Suzy (SHOCKER) she always made me ride. She broke the first NEW toy I ever had. A big wheel she got on it and busted that thing immediately. Although at the time I was of course pissed, today that story makes me laugh and smile and think so fondly of the sister who has always loved me for exactly who I am.

My sister Liz (Lizzard)who has always visited me where ever I might live. She and I email each other everyday all day long while at work. We know everything about each other and everything that is going on daily. If she is off or I am the other is pissed. How in the world will we make it through the work day without chatting over email? She has made a new tradition and the coolest part is it includes me. Every year she fly's to my house for my birthday and we get our hair done with my hairdresser Fadi. No matter how broke she is, how little time she has off, or the fact she comes and leaves her husband home she comes to be with me.

My brother Gary for his insane humor. The texts and emails he sends that although usually are disgusting make me laugh. For the hundreds of voice mails he leaves me where he sings, tells me jokes, or rambles about absolutely nothing at all but does it to let me know he is thinking of me.

My brother Johnnie who gave me away when my father had died and couldn't. He stood by me on my most important day and made me feel like I was an angel. He comes every year for my birthday and although I won't admit I know he comes to see his twin sister too, would literally take his heart out of his body to save me.

I thought about my nephews and nieces that text me and tell me how much they love me for no reason at all. It's not my birthday, Christmas or any other special reason other than to them, I am special. Who can see a picture of one of my children and pick them out of a line up. For the fact that although the age and distance between us they never forget their Auntie.

My friend Kim who although the unimaginable thing that brought us together is anything but ideal, her friendship brightens my day. She is such a loving, kind, person and she truly brings a smile to my face every day. She makes me want to be a better person. No matter what, she is always happy (even if she's only pretending), and always trying to help others. She is an amazing person who I can only dream to be more like.

My high school friends who only really knew my past and the part of my future I write on facebook, but they read it, they look at my photos, they comment, they have opened their hearts up to me and found a place for me in their lives.

My Priest (my man in black), whom I know would be disappointed in my lack of attending Mass since the death of my mother, would not judge me, or make me feel like a lesser human, but would encourage me, tell me how forgiving God is. I never felt whole until I met and became to know Father White. I didn't know it was possible to actually become so attached to a Priest that Church never will be the same without him there.

And what about the things we complain about?? Are they not truly blessings but possibly in disguise? What would we be without them? Who would we be without them?

My ex - Andy. To him the man that literally can send me to the moon and back easier than anyone on the planet, to him I am thankful for the years of happiness we had together, and the two kids he gave me the pleasure to help raise. For making me feel special everyday when I was young and felt like I was the ugly duckling. For teaching me that I am a beautiful person and worthy of love.

Lets not forget his family. Larry, Patty and Becky who I love dearly. They opened their homes to me and gave me so many memories. Becky who was always like a little sister to me that I have to say makes better homemade bread then Wonder. Larry and Patty who I was more like another kid to pay for always included me in everything. I was never a burden to them, when things went south between Andy and I they were still good to me. Today they are my family and I theirs. I am truly thankful for that it's not often the case.

Thanksgiving is a day of reflection and thankfulness. What I realized today is there is so many more things to be thankful for than there are to not. My life although seemingly tiresome, black and almost always filled with drama, is actually full of love, laughter and life. Although there will be days of anger and depression I will try to spend even a minute everyday from here on out remembering these things.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Depression is tiring

OMG all I want to do is sleep. I know this too shall pass as it often does. One day you feel as if the world is crumbling on your shoulders and the next day it seems like the sun has never shone brighter. Regardless we all have these days. Today is in the middle of those two analogies. Not as bad as yesterday but the sun isn't bright either. I think we all know these days, just kind of blah but not terrible but all you want to do is sleep.

I hear often I need to take time for myself. Do girl stuff (hard in a house full of boys) but things for me. I make excuses, no money, no time, blah blah. Well this weekend, I hope to scrap book with Kim and just sit and laugh and drink coffee and relax.

I know this will be just what the doctor ordered. Even me the fixer of all others problems, needs to take time for just me.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Boo hoo to me......

I feel sorry for myself and yeah well too bad. Everyone does at times and today is my day. I feel like everyone in the world has a better life than I do and a better spouse and better kids, and if that's how I feel well so be it, it must be right.

Throughout this blog I give advise, I talk about how I handled this and that, and how I am not going to let the woe's of life get to me and well today isn't one of those days. Today the world sucks and so does my life.

If you read my blog you already know that 2009 has literally been the worst year of my life. I have never had "good" luck but Jesus is my witness life has never been this complicated. Never literally one problem everyday sometimes even more. Literally no joke, not lying, nope every day Mr. Paul calls me and something has happened.

I'm telling the world and all who read this that I have had enough. I can't take it, I'm tired, stressed and seriously want more than anything to drive myself straight to the hospital and check myself in. The rubber room for a month yep that's what I need. No contact with anyone. No problems, no yelling, no kids, no Mr. Paul, no work, NO STRESS, just rest, quiet and did I mention NO Stress???

Is there an Island somewhere where woman go to distress? Is there such a place? Calgon? Get real no bath and stupid soap is going to work it's way through these bones, I need a real honest to Goodness stress relief. Where is that place?

I know I know boo hoo right? Well shit on you for even thinking it. I know most people think of me as a rock, the strong one, the one with advise, the caregiver, the one that fixes everything, but dang it I am so not. I am not, I am not, I am allowed a meltdown from time to time and well deal cause right now is my meltdown.

Okay I'm done. Am I over it? No definitely not, but my therapy, this blog, it gives me temporary relief, hence why I write it - Duh!

Friday, November 6, 2009

What happened to the days when....

I remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground? The worst thing you could get from boys was cooties, mom was your hero and dad was the boy you were going to marry? Your worst enemies were your siblings, and race issues were who ran the fastest, and war was a card game? The only drug you knew of was cough medicine, and wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut? The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike, the only thing that hurt was skinned knees and the only thing that could get broken was your toys? Goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? Life was simple and care-free, but what I remember most was wanting to grow up.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


2009 hasn't been the best year I've ever experienced to say the least. I had all these situations that could if I let them be a reason for me to lay around, eat everything in sight and feel miserable. Which I can say some days have gotten the best of me. It started with the death of my mother, Paul being laid off, Trae wrecked his car and Paul hit mine when backing out of the garage and that was just in January. Since then, Coty was expelled from school with two court dates upcoming, Trae has an upcoming court date, I was rear ended and lord knows what the next 2 months will bring.

This year I have not been to Mass but once I think. It started out I missed while in Oregon with my mother, and the more I missed the easier it became. I began to wallow in my own sorrows. Poor me, my life sucks, my kids are stressing me, my husband blah blah blah.

Well enough is enough I refuse to let my own life be shitty because things are not going as I think they should. I don't want my friends, family and not my kids to remember me when I am not here as always grumpy and mad.

2009? I met some great new friends who I talk to almost daily and I can't imagine my life without them. I have a great job. I am GOING to quit smoking. I am talking to a long lost BFF whom I have missed everyday for so many years. I have great kids that as all kids do they make bad decisions and they have me to count on when they do. I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a Queen not to mention he's HOT! (Come on ladies you all know he is HOT)

I am responsible for myself and my own happiness and I am going to fight every day, every minute if that's what I have to do to remind myself that I can be happy if I set my mind to it. I know that God needs to be placed back in my life and needs to be #1. I know that I refuse to repay bad behavior, bad moods as a reaction for bad situations.
We drop a penny on the ground and just look at it as though it's so insignificant. We see one on the ground and don't pick it up. But if you look closely the key to life's success is written clearly right on top. Trust in God and all things are possible.
Final thought: I must remind myself of the quote I wrote after the death of my mother. "Life is not measured by the shell others see but by the shell we leave when the shell is gone". I must remember that and be happy everyday for the gift of that day.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I made it.......

Well with the help of my family and friends my 40th birthday was a success. We had costumes, cake, gifts, snacks, beer, drinks, and many many laughs. I was a cave woman. I bought these 40 sunglasses and my good friend Kim and sister Liz bedazzled them. They don't match the costume but they are fun and I am loving them.

Thank you to all my friends and family for all your warm wishes. I couldn't make it without you.