You know I remember talking to a friend late last year and her saying that 2009 was going to be my year. Lets take a quick reflection thus far. The year started out with Paul losing his job and my mother dying. After that, I've had to deal with 2 suicides, 2 attempts, 2 wrecks (neither mine), getting rear ended, one friend of my son's in rehab, one fight in the mall getting my son banned from there and of course my favorite, one of my son's losing my trust so bad I can't let him out of my sight for fear of what I get when he gets home, that is assuming he comes home.
Seems like every day as I am driving home I wonder to myself what is the night going to bring me? One of my son's favorite things to say to me is "mom just chill out". Man when he says that I want to come out of my skin. Doesn't he realize that a person can only take so much before one day they just explode? Why do kids think they are the only ones that have trouble or stress?
I try to be the best friend, wife, mother and employee I can be. I try to stay positive and have words of encouragement to anyone who may need it. I try to hide my unhappiness to everyone. I try to put everyone ahead of myself, and ultimately remember that although I fight depression every day and have my entire life, I don't want that to be what people remember about me. I don't want depression to define me. It's days like today that all I really want to do is bury my head in the sand and give up.
I know this too shall pass but I often wonder what I have done wrong to deserve such a trying life. What I could do differently or what I can say to make my children's life's better. I know I have done my best but sometimes I think my best isn't good enough. I can fail at everything in life if that is what happens, but failing as a parent is something I could never forgive myself for.
My kids are what gets me up every day and yet sometimes I wonder why they think I don't care. Mostly I understand that kids just say that, but they really do know what a parent does for them and why, and that they don't think to say "thanks" for anything but that doesn't make it any easier on those days where a thank you is all you need. I would give my kids anything they want if I could all in return all I would want is for once any of them to walk up and give me a hug for no reason. Just because I am there mom and because they love me. Lets face it they're boys and teens to boot and that is just not going to happen.
My heart feels so heavy and mostly empty today but I guess like every person in the world, I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe full of sunshine and maybe rain, but regardless I have to believe that my life really isn't much different then everyone else's.
The funny part is everyone always says you know God doesn't give you more than he knows you can handle. Well my question is this. Does God really think I am Mount Everest because good grief enough is enough.