Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Another birthday......

Well Halloween is my 40th birthday. 40 years ago I blessed this world with my presence. It's hard to believe I am 40 where did the years go. I remember sitting in my parents vehicle at my grandma's house with my friend Julie talking about how wonderful things we were going to be when I turned 16 and got my licence. Then turning 21 while living in Alaska and pregnant with my son Trae.

When I reflect on all the things I have done in my life it seems like I have really lived, but I definitely have a lot more living to do. Now at my age I think the age I live for is just living. No number, no amount of years, just living. My life turned out according to my plan and I think that's all that matters.

I have done what I set out to do since the day in that driveway. I have married the man of my dreams and I have mothered three pretty perfect (as teens can be) boys. I guess the next stage will be grandma and I'm sure I prefer to wait a long time for that. (Please Lord give me the gift of years before you grant me this wish).

My life isn't perfect, not even remotely perfect but hopefully I have been successful. Hopefully my boys will all grow up to be productive citizens and marry and have kids of their own and when my day comes to pass, I will be happy.

"Life is not measured by your outer shell, but by the mold you leave when the shell is gone". ~ Trish Brechtel (I wrote this after the death of my mother)

Monday, October 19, 2009

You ever just want to bury your head in the sand?

You know I remember talking to a friend late last year and her saying that 2009 was going to be my year. Lets take a quick reflection thus far. The year started out with Paul losing his job and my mother dying. After that, I've had to deal with 2 suicides, 2 attempts, 2 wrecks (neither mine), getting rear ended, one friend of my son's in rehab, one fight in the mall getting my son banned from there and of course my favorite, one of my son's losing my trust so bad I can't let him out of my sight for fear of what I get when he gets home, that is assuming he comes home.

Seems like every day as I am driving home I wonder to myself what is the night going to bring me? One of my son's favorite things to say to me is "mom just chill out". Man when he says that I want to come out of my skin. Doesn't he realize that a person can only take so much before one day they just explode? Why do kids think they are the only ones that have trouble or stress?

I try to be the best friend, wife, mother and employee I can be. I try to stay positive and have words of encouragement to anyone who may need it. I try to hide my unhappiness to everyone. I try to put everyone ahead of myself, and ultimately remember that although I fight depression every day and have my entire life, I don't want that to be what people remember about me. I don't want depression to define me. It's days like today that all I really want to do is bury my head in the sand and give up.

I know this too shall pass but I often wonder what I have done wrong to deserve such a trying life. What I could do differently or what I can say to make my children's life's better. I know I have done my best but sometimes I think my best isn't good enough. I can fail at everything in life if that is what happens, but failing as a parent is something I could never forgive myself for.

My kids are what gets me up every day and yet sometimes I wonder why they think I don't care. Mostly I understand that kids just say that, but they really do know what a parent does for them and why, and that they don't think to say "thanks" for anything but that doesn't make it any easier on those days where a thank you is all you need. I would give my kids anything they want if I could all in return all I would want is for once any of them to walk up and give me a hug for no reason. Just because I am there mom and because they love me. Lets face it they're boys and teens to boot and that is just not going to happen.

My heart feels so heavy and mostly empty today but I guess like every person in the world, I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe full of sunshine and maybe rain, but regardless I have to believe that my life really isn't much different then everyone else's.

The funny part is everyone always says you know God doesn't give you more than he knows you can handle. Well my question is this. Does God really think I am Mount Everest because good grief enough is enough.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Being a mother- Arg so exhausting

Being a mother is the most trying, challenging, frustrating, rewarding, proud and hardest job I have ever had. I realize after many blogs that I have done what I can and although my sons are still kids in a way they are grown. They know the difference between right and wrong and although they still live at home, they will make decisions everyday that I may or may not agree with. Really I just have to try to guide them and help them make solid decisions but at this point they are ultimately going to do what they want anyway.

My thankful moment for this Wednesday is that I feel my kids for the most part are going to be productive members of society and I am proud of them.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Bully gets away......

Today Trae was walking in the local mall with his girlfriend when this 20+ year old punk wearing a UFC sweatshirt decided to start yelling at him calling him a faggot and telling Trae to pull up his pants. Trae's pants are droopy but they don't show his underwear. Trae did the right thing and ignored him and kept walking.

Shortly later on another floor of the mall the guy came up to Trae and got nose to nose with him and was saying the same things. Trae pulled up his pants but the dude kept on calling him a faggot. Trae did what anyone would have done and punched him (about 4 times). The guy never threw a punch at Trae but did stop calling him names.

The mall cops came and the bully decided at that time to call 911 and say Trae hit him. The guys eye was bleeding all down his face. The mall cops took Trae to a private room and once he was there they handcuffed him. I don't understand that part at all. If a kid has never been in trouble, is cooperating, why are you going to handcuff him while there is a room of Charles County Sheriffs and mall cops? Where do you think he's going?

Then to boot they banded Trae from the mall for a year. The other guy was dancing around laughing saying "this is what I do". What a dick. So Paul and I went to the mall to confront him. He works there. He wasn't there but the kid working told us his name and so we called the district store. They were not happy, so I wonder will he be dancing tomorrow when his district manager is in his face.

I totally understand the fact that the mall police and Sheriffs have to do what they have to do to try to keep the ruckus from happening and coming to the mall, but a kid and his girlfriend walking through the mall minding their own business being bullied and yelled at and followed in the mall, feel like they are being threatened so they react and they get barred from the mall for a year. What's up with that?