Monday, September 21, 2009

Help is needed

I'm writing this for advise from anyone who has been there done that worn the tee shirt. I have a friend who is near and dear to my heart. I will call her Kim. Kim is a beautiful woman who takes your breath away by sight. She is the sweetest person you could ever meet. She would take the shirt literally off her back if you needed it. She is loving, intelligent and honestly the best friend anyone could ever want or need. She has all the attributes of the perfect friend, there's only one problem. She has no belief in herself, she has no idea how wonderful she is, she has no faith that anyone could ever need her, want her. She has no clue what wonderful gifts she has to offer. Why you ask? She isn't allowed. Huh?

She has no self esteem, self pride, and she will NOT rock the boat, EVER! Her husband is very controlling. He tells her where she can go, what she can do, where she can work, where she will get her mail, where she can take her child, he controls every aspect of her life and identity. It started with small things and has begun to grow into things she knows are wrong but can't find the strength to fight. If she goes against anything he says, he repays her by doing things that hurt her and then tells her it's her fault. He wouldn't have done it, if she wouldn't have disobeyed.

Now to you and I we may disagree on stuff with our spouse, but most often it's about it's small things that all couples endure, but for her there is no normal, everything is a battle, and his retaliation against her for fighting even the simplest of battles is a deal breaker for the rest of us. For her it's something she caused him to do.
She owns her home,(something she had prior to their marriage) she does work ( of course her job was approved by him), but although she has survived many years without a husband, he has convinced her that without him she will crumble and lose it all. I of course give her much advise, I tell her she has to train herself to think differently. To think for herself and her child. Her husband will not like that one bit. Now I don't think he would hurt her, but regardless she is scared. She has allowed him to break her down to where she believes she is nothing, she has no inner strength, she doesn't know how to do something without his permission (which is rarely given).

When I talk to her I feel like I am forceful and like she resents me for my constant advise. My advice seems unwelcome and although I know she knows I love her I wonder if I say the right thing, or the wrong thing. I wonder how to help her, how do I help her? Am I making it worse for her? She understands what I am saying and agrees with me but putting it into action is the hard part. She has no friends, she isn't allowed, she can't even wave to neighbors in passing that is forbidden.
Is there a book, is there something positive I can do or say that will help her gain strength to fight this horrible man? The worst part is I know him and he is a decent guy to the outside world. He would do anything for anyone ELSE, just not her. He loves her child and every once in awhile he is actually nice to her. However she is kept clear that she has a place and that place is behind him, not just to cook dinner but to bring it to him, not just to keep the house clean, but to pick up after him, he doesn't have to do anything at all in the home, that is a woman's job. Yes believe it or not there is still at least one man on the planet earth that believes that and she found him. That includes the outside, she is to mow the lawn, she is to fix the drain outside if it is clogged even if that means digging five feet down with a shovel. His vehicle is never even a year old, hers starts if it's a good day and if not, well sorry. She can't have a computer, she can't be online, and to ensure that he password protects them.

Please help me, leave a comment, tell me what worked for you or someone you know. Tell me something so I don't feel so helpless. I am her only friend and I am only allowed because there is great distance between us. If he knew I was trying to help her gain her strength I would be forbidden too.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


If you move away from family when you are a young adult and live far away all of your adult life, is it okay for you family to not know who your kids are? And don't get me started on how to spell their names. Of course spelling them differently than the "norm" it's to be expected that people might spell them wrong but family after 18 years, seriously??? Trae and Coty. It's only four letters, here I will help you T-R-A-E and C-O-T-Y.
It must come down to me feeling like it's the old "Out of sight out of mind" thing. I know all my nephews and nieces. I cherish them all. I text the majority of them and they text me. Would it be okay if I didn't know them? To me that's easy...... Hell no! That's unacceptable, no if's, ands or buts about it.

It's not anything to lose sleep over but it does hurt. I sent Trae's senior picture over text to all my family and friends. I got a response saying "Who are you?" I thought to myself hey it's a phone, maybe the screen is small, maybe it's blurry... Maybe... Maybe.....Maybe. Not only did that message tell me that you didn't know my son, but you didn't have my number saved in your phone. WOW aren't we family? Siblings even.

You know I have facebook, myspace, and this blog. I post pictures on all of them. Not a computer user? Your spouse and kids are. They are on my pages, don't you see them? You get my family pictures at Christmas, right? (Of course not every year but I try and actually have never gotten one from you). My friend from high school sent back "WOW he looks just like you". Okay so if he looks like me did you forget what I look like?
I have no doubt that I will take some heat for this blog but the thing is, this is my blog, my online therapy, my page my feelings, my opinion. So I will just say it now, if you are mad then I say Do you feel guilty? Don't read it, don't look at it, whatever works for you, the fact remains even though no harm was meant, harm was received and that's how I feel.

Of course I will get over it, I always do, but for right now, I am hurt.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Cheesen in the tux

Trae Matthew Hampson my 18 year old son is a Senior this year. He will graduate in June 2010. The school he attends enforces you get your photo taken in this "standard" attire. This is my favorite picture of course he and I don't agree. I like the smile he doesn't. My baby boy is so handsome.

How did 18 years pass already? When they are babies and they get up every two hours, you pray for this day. When we are in the potty training stage and mess in their pants, you pray for this day. When they get into everything, learn the word "NO", cause a seen in a public place, nag you for toys, complain about homework, you get called by the principal (luckily I have NEVER gotten that one), when they begin dating, and get their hearts broken, you pray for this day.

I'm here to tell you I know it will not be long when I am typing my Graduation Day blog and I dread it. Trae is my first born and we all know there is a special bond between a mother and her first born. I'm in no way am I saying I love him more than the other two because I don't it's just everything for him that was a first was also a first for me. Trae is my training wheels for kids and I don't think I did half bad. I may be ready to try a trike but definitely not ready for only two wheels. I try to remember that he learned to ride without training wheels a long time ago, it's me who has to relearn.
I'm a proud mother and although Trae is probably very ready to move on to the next chapter in his life, I for one am not in a hurry for that day to come. I'm excited for him, and just hope I have given him all the tools he needs to be successful and even more importantly remembers how to use them.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Clear or Foggy?

Does anyone know why it's so hard to make any type of decision regarding your own life but it is so simple to see so clearly what someone else should do in theirs?

How many times do we say to our friends "you should do this or that?" Your friend cries and tells you what is wrong with her/his life and the writing is boldly written on the wall for me but my own life is so completely unsolvable? What is that about? Easy to hand out advise but refuse to take the very same advise. You think in your mind how simple the answer is why doesn't he/she see it??? Like looking into a fish bowl --its clear as a bell.

I have a friend I will call her Pam. She has every reason to be miserable and the issues in which she faces every day I have NEVER been through anything even remotely close to the same thing. She deals with it her way and although I can't imagine in which way I would handle it, and not judging her at all for handling it the way she is, I still see how self destructive it is. How do I help her? How can I offer up any advise when I have no idea the pain she feels? I feel so helpless I don't want to overstep myself but I don't want to pretend that it's okay either.

I feel like all I can do is be a friend to her, talk to her, be there for her, and listen. Be the friend to her that I would want if I was in her shoes. There is no simple answer, life throws us all curve balls all we can do is try to catch them and not let them smack us in the face.