Thursday, July 16, 2009

What's the right thing to do??????

Has anyone out there ever dealt with a person who was attempting to recover from an addiction? I have once but not like the situation I find myself in now. My ex husband is an alcoholic. If you have read my blog I have already explained all this before.

I find myself confused (I know shocker right). I want to be strong and I want to be there for him but at the same time I don't. I have to be honest I really don't. I gave him every moment he wanted prior to rehab and it literally sucked the life out of me. I did everything I could from finding the facility, to talking to him on the phone for countless hours.

Now as I said before just not being specific about it, he fell off the wagon the first day he was home alone from rehab and called me at 4 am. I was very angry, hurt, and disappointed. I felt betrayed almost. Like I had given him everything I had to give and he couldn't give back by remaining sober or at least fighting it with every ounce of his being.

My first thought was my two boys. Those innocent children that are victims of this. The pain and agony they will feel all over again. How is that fair to them? Aren't they enough to make him fight this? I don't understand, how can they? One of them is so lax about the entire thing. He basically just talks to his father as if it doesn't matter whether he is sober or not. The other not so forgiving, and in my mind just fully so.

Regardless how they feel, as a mother I am wondering how to protect them from this. He texts me last night telling me he isn't being successful about the whole sober thing. Of course I asked him if he had contacted his sponsor and of course he said no. He feels ashamed because he "can't do this". Not understanding this situation at all, I find myself wondering does he really even want to be sober? Does he really even care if he is alive to see my children graduate, get married and have children of their own? Does he want pity?

My God help me, I don't understand. All I know is I am not willing to have one single conversation with him while I know he is off the wagon. I don't want my kids to talk to him either, is that wrong? I don't know what he says to them, I don't know how he acts towards them, and I don't want him to hurt them again. Why can't he stop hurting the people who have loved him? As adults we can turn our back (even though we don't want to) but my kids can't. How do I stop the madness without them hating me for it?

As a parent I owe it to them to protect them from harm, why didn't I know that harm includes their father? How unfair of a position we are all in.


samantha leigh said...

Already fell off the wagon, huh?

Well, to be completely honest with you, you cannot stop the boys from talkin to their father, wether its wrong or not. I know you want to protect them but then again, he is their father. Its their right to talk to him if they want to regardless of wether they get hurt or not. Sometimes you have to get hurt in order to learn from it. Its life.

Its a really hard time right now, especially for you because you know Andy better than the boys do; youre tryin to help him out while protecting your children, but what would happen to Andy if you didnt let he and his sons talk? What would he have left? He's leanin on yall right now wether yall see it or not, ya know? and if you didnt let him talk to the boys, then how would he ever get to see them graduate, get married or have children of theyre own?

Trish said...

Actually yes i can - its called SOLE CUSTODY

Janna said...

This is a really difficult question to answer so I'm not going to even try. I can only write how I've felt all these years in forcing my small boys to go to their Dad's against their will because it was his "right". Those boys went through hell (I didn't know it at the time)& eventually one of them was even threatened with a gun. If I had it to do over, I would not force them to go. He was an adult & made his own choices. They were not but even if I didn't want them to go, if they did want to, I still think I wouldn't have stopped them. Unfortunately, sole custody doesn't eliminate their parental right to talk or see them no matter how horrible they are.

Lizzieborden said...

Unfortunately it's a hard choice at this time. You have to do what is in the best interest of the boys no matter what anyone says as you are with them every day. When they are adults they can make their own decisions about their dad and what contact they have with him but now it's up to you as the mom of minors.