Coty is more like me in the aspect that he wears his heart on his shoulder. You can look at him and see the emotion. Regardless of whether he is sad, excited, anxious or happy or a little bit of each you can see it with the naked eye. Trae is not outwardly emotional. He doesn't show his emotions at all, he is tough to read and I often find myself wondering what he is thinking. He can be sad, happy, blah, excited and usually you will not know by looking at him. Every so often I see this sparkle in his eye but you have to look closely.
I have sat by and watched both of my sons grieve and it makes my heart ache. I can almost feel this horrendous pain in my chest and when I speak it's all I can do to fight off the tears. I feel so broken and helpless. There were moments this past week that I didn't handle situations the way I should have, but it's to late. Things I should have let slip by or ignored but I didn't. Watching them cry and talk about their lost friend day after day I honestly think I was mad, sad, angry all together. I wasn't able to help them. If that's not bad enough I actually got into a couple of fights with Coty. I'm the mom, the one who is supposed to protect her children and keep them safe and I can't do anything at all to help them. It's officially the absolute worse feeling in the world!
Doesn't it suck that we can't figure this crap out before we do it? Why does it have to be after? Stupid choices we make, stupid mistakes we make that we can't take back. Will they remember all the mistakes I have made, stumbling through this whole teenage thing for the first time, or will they remember the good times? I pray they remember both. The mistakes so they hopefully don't make them too, and the good so they can smile when my outer shell is no longer visible but my mold has been left.
I know the only thing I can do is be available for them both if/when they need me, but that doesn't seem like enough. The thing is, it's gonna have to be enough. My sons grieve now but there will come a day when they will think of Stephen and smile and remember his favorite song, his favorite color (purple) and their secret handshake. Then the clouds will begin to disappear and the sun will begin to shine again. They will cherish what they had with him and know that Stephen is with them in spirit everyday now, tomorrow and forever.