Me

Me

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Grief......

I have been watching my children grieve and there is nothing I can do to help them. Both children are so different and handle themselves so differently. How do I know what to say, whether to hug or not hug, or whether or not I should just walk away for the time being and let them process their grief.

Coty is more like me in the aspect that he wears his heart on his shoulder. You can look at him and see the emotion. Regardless of whether he is sad, excited, anxious or happy or a little bit of each you can see it with the naked eye. Trae is not outwardly emotional. He doesn't show his emotions at all, he is tough to read and I often find myself wondering what he is thinking. He can be sad, happy, blah, excited and usually you will not know by looking at him. Every so often I see this sparkle in his eye but you have to look closely.

I have sat by and watched both of my sons grieve and it makes my heart ache. I can almost feel this horrendous pain in my chest and when I speak it's all I can do to fight off the tears. I feel so broken and helpless. There were moments this past week that I didn't handle situations the way I should have, but it's to late. Things I should have let slip by or ignored but I didn't. Watching them cry and talk about their lost friend day after day I honestly think I was mad, sad, angry all together. I wasn't able to help them. If that's not bad enough I actually got into a couple of fights with Coty. I'm the mom, the one who is supposed to protect her children and keep them safe and I can't do anything at all to help them. It's officially the absolute worse feeling in the world!

Doesn't it suck that we can't figure this crap out before we do it? Why does it have to be after? Stupid choices we make, stupid mistakes we make that we can't take back. Will they remember all the mistakes I have made, stumbling through this whole teenage thing for the first time, or will they remember the good times? I pray they remember both. The mistakes so they hopefully don't make them too, and the good so they can smile when my outer shell is no longer visible but my mold has been left.

I know the only thing I can do is be available for them both if/when they need me, but that doesn't seem like enough. The thing is, it's gonna have to be enough. My sons grieve now but there will come a day when they will think of Stephen and smile and remember his favorite song, his favorite color (purple) and their secret handshake. Then the clouds will begin to disappear and the sun will begin to shine again. They will cherish what they had with him and know that Stephen is with them in spirit everyday now, tomorrow and forever.

Love is a gift not an obligation and my boys loved Stephen and one day that will make them happy instead of sad.

1 comment:

Sue said...

Trish, Coty, and Trae,

I too have grieved for someone close to myself and I know the pain, thoughts, and weird occasions that grief brings. You Trish can only do as you are doing, be there, love them and be ready to hold them and cry with them as they need. Be vigilant and insightful into moods and things which will clue you into their real feelings and grief. Not because you are trying to invade, but because as we grieve we sometimes need someone to know without our telling them that our grief is overwhelming us and we have no strength to ask for help. I love you all and pray that you will know peace one day. Until that time, I am here always with a listening ear and a heart full of love. My shoulders are strong and available if you need or want to talk.

A scripture which helped me deal my loss of Rachelle was Revelation 21:3 and 4. It is a promise to us that God will one day eliminate the things that cause us pain today. I hope it gives you a measure of peace as it did me.