Wednesday, June 3, 2009


On a daily basis it seems as though I am always confused. On most days I can hide the confusion, and pretend things are fine, not confusing, perfect even, but on other days the daily issues seem to get the best of me.

I find myself wondering if everyone feels the same as me, or if I am alone in this world of constant confusion. Maybe it's just as simple as I am my mother's daughter. All I know is it makes me sad. Sad because I question everything and when I don't get an answer I create my own conclusions, and because I am pretty sure I know how my mom felt all those years and I didn't understand.

Do I create my own mountain when in reality it's only a mole hill? Or possibly it is a mountain and I have lost the strength to climb it. Or possibly I know what getting to the top will bring and so I choose subconciously to continue to slip. How do I know?

Everyone has ups and downs, good days and bad but the weird thing about me is everything is personal to me. Like if Mr. Paul doesn't call me all day at work I wonder why? Sometimes I send him an email but he never responds actually I don't think he even reads them. When I ask him he says I skimmed it. Huh? I wonder what he did all day that he didn't think of me a single time? Why can't it just be his thing, his issue or his problem? Why does his lack of response have such a negative impact on me and how I feel?

If I have a fight with one of my kids I always feel bad and think of all the things I should not have said and could have done differently. Why? Is it possible that they are teens and they are to blame? Why do I blame myself for everything and take all the heat?

I think I need a 12 pound Prozac!!!!!!! Or a weeks worth of sleep either way tomorrow's a new day!


Janna said...

Sis, I have always thought of you as one of the strong sisters but I'm seeing that you like all of us are torn up inside with self-doubt and self-incriminating tendencies. Wow...big words huh? Just know you are never alone and in my thoughts every day.
Love you...Jv

Jaimey said...

It genetic down this way too. From a kid of one of the kids. :) We all have our issues and no matter how well we play it off (some better than others) we all struggle with this. Love you! I am but a phone call away.

Sue said...


You are a Birch child and Birch children were raised to not only be strong, but weak at the same time. We can be strong when others need something, but too weak to tell anyone that we need something from them. You, like the rest of us, have had almost 40 years to develope the personality you have and the things you don't like will not go away in an instant just because we want them to. Just remember that all of us are insecure and sad sometimes. Especially when it comes to whether or not we are loved and cherished. Also, know that you are cherished by each and every one of your brothers and sisters and family no matter how screwed up you may feel you are. We love you for who you are, not who you think we think you should be.