On a daily basis it seems as though I am always confused. On most days I can hide the confusion, and pretend things are fine, not confusing, perfect even, but on other days the daily issues seem to get the best of me.
I find myself wondering if everyone feels the same as me, or if I am alone in this world of constant confusion. Maybe it's just as simple as I am my mother's daughter. All I know is it makes me sad. Sad because I question everything and when I don't get an answer I create my own conclusions, and because I am pretty sure I know how my mom felt all those years and I didn't understand.
Do I create my own mountain when in reality it's only a mole hill? Or possibly it is a mountain and I have lost the strength to climb it. Or possibly I know what getting to the top will bring and so I choose subconciously to continue to slip. How do I know?
Everyone has ups and downs, good days and bad but the weird thing about me is everything is personal to me. Like if Mr. Paul doesn't call me all day at work I wonder why? Sometimes I send him an email but he never responds actually I don't think he even reads them. When I ask him he says I skimmed it. Huh? I wonder what he did all day that he didn't think of me a single time? Why can't it just be his thing, his issue or his problem? Why does his lack of response have such a negative impact on me and how I feel?
If I have a fight with one of my kids I always feel bad and think of all the things I should not have said and could have done differently. Why? Is it possible that they are teens and they are to blame? Why do I blame myself for everything and take all the heat?
I think I need a 12 pound Prozac!!!!!!! Or a weeks worth of sleep either way tomorrow's a new day!