I have been trying to write something for days. I start something then all these other random thoughts come to mind. On the drive into work I was literally running a million things through my head.
If you've been reading along with my story you know that my life since December has not been a day at the beach. To recap, Trae wrecked his car, a week later Mr. Paul backed into mine, the entire month of January I spent in Oregon watching my mother die, in the same month Mr. Paul's job went belly up, Trae and Coty's friend hung himself, and the boys have been close to failing school.
I was reflecting on myself and wondering why sometimes it seems as though no matter how hard I try my life has been full of disappointment and trauma. How do I get up in the morning only to know that undoubtedly something else will hit, some other curve ball is thrown in which I have to fight my way to miss or resolve?
Then I thought of this blog. I thought about how many people have said how much my blog helps them and how much you enjoy reading what I have to say. As you know this blog is my therapy to work through my issues. Issues of grief, pain, disappointment and joy. How is my life inspirational when it's seems to always be in turmoil? Are you all reading my trials and tribulations and thinking to yourself how lucky you are and how your life is truly grand?
I thought about my men in black, my Judge friend, the kids teachers, coaches and how these people influence me and my kids. How my actions influence my kids, possibly the neighbor kids, etc. Most people would agree that there are some jobs that stand out as being influential. The President of the United States, teachers, Priests, Judges. The people in these positions of authority know that what they say and what they do influences others. If they are successful at these jobs then the take their influence into account before every word is spoken or action is carried out.
But what about other people. Normal people so to speak that maybe don't try to influence but have a tremendous impact on us? Do I influence you by this blog? Do you influence me by your comments? Here is a story of how someones words influenced me and how you will see how these words damaged my spirit.
During all these trials and tribulations since December I was talking to a friend. She said I really needed to pray more and cast out these demons in my home that were haunting me and my family. Harmless words but let me explain my interpretation of them and how it affected me.
I have thought a lot about those comments and I can reluctantly admit that they crushed me. I felt like I was a bad Catholic. I wasn't doing enough to call myself a Catholic nor reap the benefits of a "true" Catholic. It was my fault all these things were happening, I was not fulfilling my duties as a Catholic so I was being punished. I stopped attending Mass. Not only because of these words but also from the deep depression I was already in. The combination of the two issues going on were lethal. The more Mass' I missed the heavier the guilt but the easier it became. Overall I realize now I believed that I was unworthy and ultimately a bad Catholic. Did this person mean to say such horrible things to me? To get me to stop attending Mass? I believe not, however her words influenced me and unfortunately in a negative manner in which being weak already with grief my normal rock solid frame of mind wasn't strong enough to fight.
See being influential isn't always something we try to do but sometimes and more often than not we end up influencing someone without notice. Be cautious that when someone is influenced by your actions or words that the outcome is a positive and doesn't make an already bad situation worse. Thinking to yourself that you must do the right thing even when you think no one is watching because what you don't realize someone is always watching.