Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Back in the saddle again.

So for me, life is, well crap it's challenging. Of course the obvious things like working full time in DC, mother of three very grown up boys (17, 14 and 9) wife, what else do I have time to do? Mr. Paul and I are on the local board for the little league which we do our share of volunteering for. Seems sometimes that there is literally no room for anything else. We definitely have to pick our battles in everything we do.

I have always had a bad habit of biting my nails until they bleed and like most of my family I am a stress eater. Yesterday the call came in that Andy is back in treatment. That truly is bitter sweet. After months of nonstop talking to him on the phone I really was convinced that he was ready and wanted to reform. After the recent events, I am not so sure.

I wonder if this is yet another way to "fool" his parents and us. We have all vested so much into his treatment that after that 4 am phone call I have to be honest and wonder if this isn't more of a game for him to play. Maybe he was not sober when he was talking to me and maybe he was just ranting like we all do when we have done something that we know others will be disappointed about, but maybe he wasn't. Only time will tell if he really wants to quit drinking and become a productive man of society but I find that I wonder if I am willing to give him anymore of my time to waste.

I know that seems mean, and I don't want it to, but honesty is cruel sometimes. I gave my heart and soul to him for months (not to mention 10 years)and I let my own family quality time suffer while I talked endlessly to him on the phone. I want to help him, I want him to be there for my kids, I want him to be there for his family, but at what costs? How much is enough? It's not like I am his wife, mother, sister? No I am his ex but I am the mother of his children, and that makes it personal.

I feel as if he played me (and of course many others) and I find myself pissed that I let him. Then on the flip side I do understand that almost all alcoholics relapse and so maybe this was just to soon for him to be alone. I want to believe it was just to soon for him and he wants to be sober. I don't want to turn my back on him and have that be a reason for him to drink.

Don't get me wrong I still stand strong on this being his choice. Choice to fight the addiction and/or choice to drink but I also feel that giving him an easy excuse to drink isn't something I want either.

I don't know how long he will be in treatment this time, and I don't know why he went back, what I do know if I will be praying that God help me to give credit where credit is due and also to see clearly if I am being taken. I pray Andy's intentions are good and that he will be successful, but if he is not, then unfortunately he will have proven that my kids will be hurt again, and I will be there to pick up the pieces as I was before.

Andy has to want this more than I want it for him, and more than his parents want it for him. If he could only see how much potential he has and what he has to offer if only he is sober. He is back in the saddle and I pray he will triumph!

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