Monday, June 29, 2009

Thanks for humiliating me, cow!

I work full time for the Federal Government in Washington DC and have "the best insurance I can buy". Well that is what I thought until I went to my preop appointment today and they told me that I had to pay over $500.00 for my surgery in two days. I was so pissed. Are you kidding me? I work everyday, full time and bust my butt literally working my fingers to the bone and I have to pay to have a necessary surgery? Get real man! No payments, no billing, just pay it. Well thanks for the heads up.

If that wasn't bad enough, after the lady tells me that, I said well I suppose I don't need to see the doctor today since I can't pay that my husband lost his job 6 months ago. So what does she do? She walks out to the receptionist in front of 3 other customers and about 3 employees and says refund her co-pay she can't afford the co-pay. Oh my God, I wanted to die. I can afford the co-pay stupid cow, I can't afford to pay for the surgery.

What is the world coming to that someone who works, and pays for insurance can't get a necessary surgery because they don't trust me to pay later? I am so pissed this world sucks and people are so rude.

What now you may ask? I suppose eventually something good will happen and my faith in this crap shoot of a world will be restored.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Back in the saddle again.

So for me, life is, well crap it's challenging. Of course the obvious things like working full time in DC, mother of three very grown up boys (17, 14 and 9) wife, what else do I have time to do? Mr. Paul and I are on the local board for the little league which we do our share of volunteering for. Seems sometimes that there is literally no room for anything else. We definitely have to pick our battles in everything we do.

I have always had a bad habit of biting my nails until they bleed and like most of my family I am a stress eater. Yesterday the call came in that Andy is back in treatment. That truly is bitter sweet. After months of nonstop talking to him on the phone I really was convinced that he was ready and wanted to reform. After the recent events, I am not so sure.

I wonder if this is yet another way to "fool" his parents and us. We have all vested so much into his treatment that after that 4 am phone call I have to be honest and wonder if this isn't more of a game for him to play. Maybe he was not sober when he was talking to me and maybe he was just ranting like we all do when we have done something that we know others will be disappointed about, but maybe he wasn't. Only time will tell if he really wants to quit drinking and become a productive man of society but I find that I wonder if I am willing to give him anymore of my time to waste.

I know that seems mean, and I don't want it to, but honesty is cruel sometimes. I gave my heart and soul to him for months (not to mention 10 years)and I let my own family quality time suffer while I talked endlessly to him on the phone. I want to help him, I want him to be there for my kids, I want him to be there for his family, but at what costs? How much is enough? It's not like I am his wife, mother, sister? No I am his ex but I am the mother of his children, and that makes it personal.

I feel as if he played me (and of course many others) and I find myself pissed that I let him. Then on the flip side I do understand that almost all alcoholics relapse and so maybe this was just to soon for him to be alone. I want to believe it was just to soon for him and he wants to be sober. I don't want to turn my back on him and have that be a reason for him to drink.

Don't get me wrong I still stand strong on this being his choice. Choice to fight the addiction and/or choice to drink but I also feel that giving him an easy excuse to drink isn't something I want either.

I don't know how long he will be in treatment this time, and I don't know why he went back, what I do know if I will be praying that God help me to give credit where credit is due and also to see clearly if I am being taken. I pray Andy's intentions are good and that he will be successful, but if he is not, then unfortunately he will have proven that my kids will be hurt again, and I will be there to pick up the pieces as I was before.

Andy has to want this more than I want it for him, and more than his parents want it for him. If he could only see how much potential he has and what he has to offer if only he is sober. He is back in the saddle and I pray he will triumph!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Betrayal or not?

Sometimes people confide in you and tell you something that you know you should repeat but they tell you not to. You ever wonder why people expect that from you? Why tell me something you know is bad and then request I hold it inside? Especially when telling is the right thing to do? Why do we wonder if we should betray their trust and tell what we know to be the right thing to do? Is it really betrayal if it is truly in their best interest to tell?

For example lets take our kids. What is your son tells you that this other boy got drunk and was driving home from a party ripped out of his mind. Do you tell the parents? Do you tell them if they are your friends? Do you tell them if nothing happened while he drove? Do you tell them because you would want them to tell you? Maybe that person told you because they knew you would tell?

I was recently in this exact situation. Not with my kids but with an adult. A grown person called me in the middle of the night and confided something to me that really I had no need to know. I knew that the information I was being told was in my best interest to relay to others, but my gut kept me questioning myself about it all day. I wondered if I should let it go? Was it my business to get involved? Could the others even help if I did tell them? Would it just cause more stress on these people who really don't need any further stress? Will it just make them feel as helpless as I do?

Ultimately I decided that the adult who put me in this position was first of all putting me in a unfair position. Second even though this person felt that I had no right to say anything, ultimately you gave me that right when you told me. You made it my business. Your choice to tell me and my choice to do with that information how I choose. choices, choices, choices.

Lets say I smoke and my husband hates it. He nags me and so I tell him I quit but I really didn't. If I tell you and you repeat that is that betrayal? I think so because I am not under the legal age to smoke, I am not hurting anyone in doing it (besides myself of course) and I am not putting anyone else life in danger.

However lets say I am a a alcoholic and I have struggled with this for many years and decide to seek help. If I am home one day and I call you and tell you I drank. Is it betrayal that you call my husband, parents, siblings someone close to me and warn them I have fallen? I say no, this could potentially kill me, and if you love me you should call someone that can help me.

Of course my blog, my opinion but even though the examples are like night and day in harm factor I believe life is about choices. Which choice will you make? Everything you do literally is a choice. Do I get up? Do I go to work? Do I drink? smoke? Regardless of what you do it comes down to choice. (Unless someone holds a gun to your head and forces you to do something it's your choice to do every thing you do).

Try to remember that if you are on the person blaming someone for "betrayal". You chose your life and I choose mine. I have to do what is best for me and my family and then you. If you're mad, angry and never talk to me again, that's your loss. I tried to help you because even though sometimes its clear you don't care about yourself I care!

Monday, June 15, 2009

I am a Rock and a Pebble.

Today I awoke to lightening and rain. Got on the road at 6:00 a.m. right on time and as with any random day when you live in the city I found that my car was not moving. Great! I turned on the radio for a traffic update only to find that both ways out of my town to work were blocked by accidents. For the Love of God are you kidding me??? How do people wreck first thing in the morning, do they not understand people have to be at work? ARG!!!!!
I took a back road thinking I'll show you. Until I realized everyone else knew my short cut too. Crap it's a little early for me to be dealing with issues. I haven't even combed my hair yet. (I curl my hair at work). With traffic at a stop I decided I might as well just put on my make-up now which would be one thing to cross off my list of things to do once I arrive to work. Yeah I know people see you doing that and think "you stupid woman - can't you do that at home? That's how accidents happen". NO! I don't do it while in motion, only at stop lights, etc.
Okay done with the make-up so now it's just think about my day. hmmm... do I want to continue to feel confused or am I going to cowboy up and take action? I am the queen of advice to others so I can already hear myself giving advice to others and then getting irritated because they opt not to do what I have suggested. As you know sometimes life is more complicated than people let on. For me I am a very strong person. As a matter of fact most of my friends and family refer to me as the "Rock". I would have to say I am a rock, but I also am a pebble. I don't like being a pebble feeling weak and out of control but what is it that takes the super human out of me like kryptonite?
The daily struggles of life are really taking a toll on me. I feel like regardless of the situation or issue I am in a lose lose situation banging my head against a brick wall. That's the most frustrating thing for me. I can't control others actions (or lack of) so I feel helpless, which then turns to depression, which then reflects a pebble.
You know what has always baffled me? Someone makes a decision to do something. They do it, it gets back to the other person who is hurt by their decision. What happens? The innocent person has to make a decision that sometimes they don't want to make? Why do people do that? Why do I have to make a decision that I don't want to make because you're stupid? Isn't that always how it is? One person by making a decision that suits them forces another to make a decision they don't want to make. That's bull crap to me.
I think it's normal to be a rock and a pebble, I find it so hard to believe that people don't think of me as ever being a pebble but it's okay to be both. I think being a pebble is unhealthy and one should always learn to be a rock too. When you let your guard down, you set yourself up to get hurt hence the pebble.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


I have been watching my children grieve and there is nothing I can do to help them. Both children are so different and handle themselves so differently. How do I know what to say, whether to hug or not hug, or whether or not I should just walk away for the time being and let them process their grief.

Coty is more like me in the aspect that he wears his heart on his shoulder. You can look at him and see the emotion. Regardless of whether he is sad, excited, anxious or happy or a little bit of each you can see it with the naked eye. Trae is not outwardly emotional. He doesn't show his emotions at all, he is tough to read and I often find myself wondering what he is thinking. He can be sad, happy, blah, excited and usually you will not know by looking at him. Every so often I see this sparkle in his eye but you have to look closely.

I have sat by and watched both of my sons grieve and it makes my heart ache. I can almost feel this horrendous pain in my chest and when I speak it's all I can do to fight off the tears. I feel so broken and helpless. There were moments this past week that I didn't handle situations the way I should have, but it's to late. Things I should have let slip by or ignored but I didn't. Watching them cry and talk about their lost friend day after day I honestly think I was mad, sad, angry all together. I wasn't able to help them. If that's not bad enough I actually got into a couple of fights with Coty. I'm the mom, the one who is supposed to protect her children and keep them safe and I can't do anything at all to help them. It's officially the absolute worse feeling in the world!

Doesn't it suck that we can't figure this crap out before we do it? Why does it have to be after? Stupid choices we make, stupid mistakes we make that we can't take back. Will they remember all the mistakes I have made, stumbling through this whole teenage thing for the first time, or will they remember the good times? I pray they remember both. The mistakes so they hopefully don't make them too, and the good so they can smile when my outer shell is no longer visible but my mold has been left.

I know the only thing I can do is be available for them both if/when they need me, but that doesn't seem like enough. The thing is, it's gonna have to be enough. My sons grieve now but there will come a day when they will think of Stephen and smile and remember his favorite song, his favorite color (purple) and their secret handshake. Then the clouds will begin to disappear and the sun will begin to shine again. They will cherish what they had with him and know that Stephen is with them in spirit everyday now, tomorrow and forever.

Love is a gift not an obligation and my boys loved Stephen and one day that will make them happy instead of sad.

Be careful about being influencial

I have been trying to write something for days. I start something then all these other random thoughts come to mind. On the drive into work I was literally running a million things through my head.

If you've been reading along with my story you know that my life since December has not been a day at the beach. To recap, Trae wrecked his car, a week later Mr. Paul backed into mine, the entire month of January I spent in Oregon watching my mother die, in the same month Mr. Paul's job went belly up, Trae and Coty's friend hung himself, and the boys have been close to failing school.

I was reflecting on myself and wondering why sometimes it seems as though no matter how hard I try my life has been full of disappointment and trauma. How do I get up in the morning only to know that undoubtedly something else will hit, some other curve ball is thrown in which I have to fight my way to miss or resolve?

Then I thought of this blog. I thought about how many people have said how much my blog helps them and how much you enjoy reading what I have to say. As you know this blog is my therapy to work through my issues. Issues of grief, pain, disappointment and joy. How is my life inspirational when it's seems to always be in turmoil? Are you all reading my trials and tribulations and thinking to yourself how lucky you are and how your life is truly grand?

I thought about my men in black, my Judge friend, the kids teachers, coaches and how these people influence me and my kids. How my actions influence my kids, possibly the neighbor kids, etc. Most people would agree that there are some jobs that stand out as being influential. The President of the United States, teachers, Priests, Judges. The people in these positions of authority know that what they say and what they do influences others. If they are successful at these jobs then the take their influence into account before every word is spoken or action is carried out.

But what about other people. Normal people so to speak that maybe don't try to influence but have a tremendous impact on us? Do I influence you by this blog? Do you influence me by your comments? Here is a story of how someones words influenced me and how you will see how these words damaged my spirit.

During all these trials and tribulations since December I was talking to a friend. She said I really needed to pray more and cast out these demons in my home that were haunting me and my family. Harmless words but let me explain my interpretation of them and how it affected me.

I have thought a lot about those comments and I can reluctantly admit that they crushed me. I felt like I was a bad Catholic. I wasn't doing enough to call myself a Catholic nor reap the benefits of a "true" Catholic. It was my fault all these things were happening, I was not fulfilling my duties as a Catholic so I was being punished. I stopped attending Mass. Not only because of these words but also from the deep depression I was already in. The combination of the two issues going on were lethal. The more Mass' I missed the heavier the guilt but the easier it became. Overall I realize now I believed that I was unworthy and ultimately a bad Catholic. Did this person mean to say such horrible things to me? To get me to stop attending Mass? I believe not, however her words influenced me and unfortunately in a negative manner in which being weak already with grief my normal rock solid frame of mind wasn't strong enough to fight.

See being influential isn't always something we try to do but sometimes and more often than not we end up influencing someone without notice. Be cautious that when someone is influenced by your actions or words that the outcome is a positive and doesn't make an already bad situation worse. Thinking to yourself that you must do the right thing even when you think no one is watching because what you don't realize someone is always watching.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Who is my other Man in Black?

When I first began my journey to becoming a Catholic I really only knew Father White. Eventually I met Father Foley. He is the head Pastor of St. Mary's of the Assumption Church. He is an absolute Wonderful Man.

He is kind, soft spoken, and extremely caring. Once while I was attending RCIA, Father Foley came in to teach us students how to do a proper confession. He went through it and said OK Trish you will be the Priest and I will be the confessor. So he thinks for a minute and starts up. He proceeds to say Father I have not spoken to my brother for 10 years. What? I was freaking out! (I didn't show an ounce of emotion for the first time ever I know) but I couldn't believe it. My heart starting to beat like crazy and I started to sweat. Are you kidding me? I know someone is kidding me!

At the time he spoke those words I hadn't spoken to one of my sisters for 14 years. Not a peep with exception to one time I called her to give her an update on my mom and that was all I did. No small talk before or after. Was Father Foley actually confessing that not talking to a sibling was a sin? Why else would he be saying it? Was there any possible way he knew I hadn't spoken to one of mine? Was I being punked? That's what it is huh? Ashton Kutcher is going to come out and for the first time in his celebrity life he was going to punk a non-celebrity, right?

I stumbled through the confessional process and left RCIA really mixed up with what truly had happened in there. I stewed about it for a week at which point I sent my sister an email and told her that I was over it and lets let by gones be by gones. It was an amazing thing to have had this happen. It was obviously the Holy Spirit talking through him to me but it was my first real sign of it.

Up until that moment I sometimes questioned my Catholic journey wondering if it was the right thing to do, was it for me, was it real, etc. That incident gave me the 100% assurance that I needed to know that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do.

Later after the baptism (Father Foley actually conducted the baptism) he asked me to speak during a Sunday Mass about my journey to becoming a Catholic. (The actual journey words I spoke to come on a later blog). I worked on that speech for awhile. I wanted it to be perfect. Father Foley asked for a copy of it so he would have an idea what I would be saying and thought it was good so I worked up the courage to do it.

I have to say that that was definitely one of the coolest and most rewarding things I have done as a Catholic. The response was overwhelming and I can't thank Father Foley enough for giving me the opportunity to do that. I will never forget the feeling of standing up their talking about my story and seeing how many people truly wanted to hear it.

Father Foley was responsible for my baptism and washing away all my prior sins, so for that I can never repay him. He has this awesome dog named Victoria. Yeah I said it an awesome dog, this coming from a non-dog person to say the least. His dog is very old and sheds a lot, but is remarkably calm and lovable. She likes everyone and truly even makes me love her.

These two men in black have changed my life and I believe definitely for the good. I am not the same person I was before in a lot of ways. They give me a lot of encouragement sometimes without saying a word. I really can't imagine how terrible my life would be under the current circumstances if I didn't have them and the knowledge they have taught me.

The lord does things that we don't understand sometimes, but bringing them into my life is definitely not one of them. It was clear what I was to do and I believe God knew exactly what kind of people it would take to get me where I needed to be and these two men were the key.

Thank you Father Foley for being so wonderful and caring, you will always be a gift in my life.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Do you have a man in black?

Yesterday was definitely a traumatizing day for a whole lot of people. My Aunt Evelyn died and Coty and Trae's friend Stephen died. I felt like any other person would given the circumstances. Talking with Coty, Trae and Zack (Coty's friend) till the wee hours of the night one thing was clear. These kids needed some guidance, some peace, some sort of understanding of their situation. The solution? I have two for you but this blog is dedicated to one and I will dedicate another blog to the second. So who is the solution? Who are these men I trust to help my boys? Who you ask? The only name you get in this blog is...........Father Mark White.

The most wonderful man God has ever blessed me to know. I met Father White at my neighbors enthronement. I was immediately drawn to him, which was confusing to me. (I know shocker here I was confused again). It was like he was a magnet and I was being pulled to him. I found myself really curious about this man in black. He wasn't what I pictured as a Catholic Priest. For starters he was young and "normal". By normal what I mean is that I was not Catholic (Lord knows I have needed God in my life forever) I would have thought that if I was talking to a Priest I wouldn't feel comfortable maybe even like I had to pretend I was someone else, but it wasn't like that. It was, well it was shocking.

Lets go back for a minute. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. It was the only religion I ever knew. The only Priests I had ever seen were on TV and well they were almost always older and when they talked they talked only of the bible. I guess maybe I thought (as stupid as it sounds) like Priests didn't really have a personal life outside of Church. I thought they preached, did confessions, helped people and that was it, almost like they would have no idea what day to day life was like for me, like they wouldn't be able to relate. I still find it fascinating to know personal things about them because it reminds me that although they are Priests, they are regular people just like me who do every day things too. I never really thought about it much but I guess I never considered that I might actually enjoying talking to a Priest. Boy was I in for a BIG surprise.

I thought when I first decided to talk with him that I would hold back, you know not tell him everything, I would pretend so to speak. No I wasn't planning on lying to a man of God, just not telling him everything, you know there are things you just can't say to a Priest right? Wrong! That may have been the plan but like any plans I've ever had, they change. When I pulled up to St. Mary's of the Assumption Church for the first time, I reminded myself of my plan of attack. Feel him out, read his body language, say a little and analyze his responses. Obviously I didn't understand the full role of a Priest so I believed that although he was was a man of God he was also only human and still judges, and remembers. I worried that I would confide in him and when he would see me his mind would immediately flash to this thing I had done.

Boy was I wrong. The more I met with him the more I couldn't get enough. He was like the first time you do something that you love and you can't wait till the next time. After the first couple of meetings where we just kind of talked about random subjects he handed me my first catechism book. I will never forget he handed it to me and said please don't be offended but it's written at a 7th grade level. It asks a question and then gives you the response. I wasn't offended and was happy to take the book. We set up our next meeting and I left.

I came home and I had this fire burning inside. I opened the book and began to read. As I had a question or didn't fully understand something I would place a colored flag on the page and continue on. Lets just say my book looked like a giant rainbow, and mind you I had only read about 5 chapters. When I showed up for my scheduled appointment Father White opened the door and I saw his eyes move down to the book. He looked back at me and smiled and said "Now I am a little concerned." and then he laughed.

I would ask a question he would answer, which in turn would eventually run into answering other of my questions. Little by little the flags began to disappear. When I started coming to Father White I was searching for help. I needed something, I wasn't sure what it was but I needed it. I felt dead inside, empty and soul less. I continued to meet with him and one day I realized that I was healthy again, probably healthier than I had ever been. My search was over and I honestly couldn't remember the last time that old pain had crossed my mind. It was a miracle.

Father White is the kindest, most understanding, approachable, man I truly have ever met. I could never write or say words that could fairly describe him. He has this amazing way of reaching people, saying the perfect thing at the perfect time. His voice is calming and well he talks to you like anyone else would. You know what I mean, it's almost like you're talking to your best friend. When I talk to him I feel like I can say anything I want, and he doesn't judge or think badly of me.

Anyone that knows me knows that I was always angry and loose lipped. I would say anything I felt regardless of how my words felt to others. I was a good person inside with a huge heart but it was a rare person who got to know me well enough to see it. My guard was always up and I rarely allowed anyone in.

He saved my soul, my marriage, my family, gave me hope, faith, peace and helped me find that person inside I always knew was there. I can never repay him for the priceless gifts he has brought into my life. Mr. Paul and I renewed our vows as a part of my baptismal process and I couldn't dream of anyone doing it but him.

Who is this man in black? This man who mysteriously entered into my life? The man who no amount of money could ever buy what he has given me? The man who doesn't ask for anything in return but loves unconditionally? He was/is the solution to speak to my cherished boys about their loss. No one else would do. He is my angel, the only human on earth that reminds me without saying a word that I matter, I count, and I can make a difference.

Do you have a man in black? Do you have a Father White? Do you have a Priest you can feel 100% comfortable with? If not you should search for him, because only then will your life make since. God has handed all of us these men who speak to us through God, you just have to want to find him. If you desire to have peace of mind, sound heart and be the best person you can be, you need God in your life so find your Father White. If you live near me you can share ours, he is truly a gift from God and we are all better off for knowing him.

In conclusion (I know finally right?) the day I met Father White my life began.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Devastation hit my poor boys

For anyone who reads this blog. Please hug your child/children today and make sure they know how much you love them, because you never know when it will be to late. No one thinks their children will pass before they do but it happens.

Today was a normal every day scenario for my kids. Coty woke up late as he often does, and struggled to find clothes to wear to school as he remembers he forgot to do an assignment that is due today. I had no patience for it, nor sympathy. The last words I said to Coty early this morning were "I hope you like the 9Th grade because you'll be seeing it again real soon". And at that very moment my signal was lost.

Trae text me on my way into school to tell me he was up and getting ready for school. Just a normal day right? That's what they thought.....

About an hour and a half later the call came in. It was Mr. Paul telling me he was on his way to pick Coty up from school. The school had called and one of Coty's best friends was found dead this morning. He apparently hung himself. The school informed the kids of his passing and Coty and many kids were not handling it well. They didn't feel Coty could get through the day and thought we should come get him.

Below is Coty's message to Stephen from his myspace. I would like to ask for prayers for my son's Trae and Coty and for the family and all the friends of Stephen Andrew Pronobis.

"Rest in peace:Stephen Pronobis (6,3,09) Throughout all the things that have happened in my life. And every time i say it, this is undoubtedly the worst day of my life. I won't sit here and blame you. I wish you wouldn't have done it, but its too late. I wish i could have known to be there and stop you.When i heard the news i couldn't believe it. I as well as all of your friends couldn't breathe. I will always remember you, you were the best friend anyone could ask for. You were so different, and unique. Everybody loved you. I just want to show how i will miss you so much and i will never forget how much fun we had, and we could never be bored. The secret handshake. I just wish we could talk to you one more time before this happened. Its so shocking how things like this play out. I and everyone else will never forget you. Rest in peace, Coty."

Trae tells me he was just talking with him yesterday after school and they were laughing. Trae says he was one of the happiest people he had ever met. Another close friend of Stephen's "Kayla" tells me he could make anyone laugh, he was a great friend.

In Loving Memory of Stephen Andrew Pronobis - June 3, 2009

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


On a daily basis it seems as though I am always confused. On most days I can hide the confusion, and pretend things are fine, not confusing, perfect even, but on other days the daily issues seem to get the best of me.

I find myself wondering if everyone feels the same as me, or if I am alone in this world of constant confusion. Maybe it's just as simple as I am my mother's daughter. All I know is it makes me sad. Sad because I question everything and when I don't get an answer I create my own conclusions, and because I am pretty sure I know how my mom felt all those years and I didn't understand.

Do I create my own mountain when in reality it's only a mole hill? Or possibly it is a mountain and I have lost the strength to climb it. Or possibly I know what getting to the top will bring and so I choose subconciously to continue to slip. How do I know?

Everyone has ups and downs, good days and bad but the weird thing about me is everything is personal to me. Like if Mr. Paul doesn't call me all day at work I wonder why? Sometimes I send him an email but he never responds actually I don't think he even reads them. When I ask him he says I skimmed it. Huh? I wonder what he did all day that he didn't think of me a single time? Why can't it just be his thing, his issue or his problem? Why does his lack of response have such a negative impact on me and how I feel?

If I have a fight with one of my kids I always feel bad and think of all the things I should not have said and could have done differently. Why? Is it possible that they are teens and they are to blame? Why do I blame myself for everything and take all the heat?

I think I need a 12 pound Prozac!!!!!!! Or a weeks worth of sleep either way tomorrow's a new day!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Mom against teens - ARG!!!!!

I find that being a mom is so hard. Finding the happy medium between being cool and setting rules. When the kids were small it was easier. Their trials and tribulations were easier to handle and see what was right and what was wrong. Now being a mom of a nearly 18 and 15 year old I find it seems like an uphill battle. I either go against my gut or I am the bitch. The happy medium seems impossible.

For example one of the boys friends is a very polite kid and not bad in any way but I find myself immediately upset at the mention of his name. It started years ago when no matter what was happening his parents could never get him where he needed to go. We not only had to try to figure out how to get our own kids where they needed to be but we had to make arrangements for this kid too. We always ensured our kids had a way, we took off work, whatever it took to get them where they needed to be. Why did this boy's parents refuse to do what we did? Why sign your son up for anything knowing you couldn't be there to get him where he needed to be? It wasn't like it was a certain day or something came up, it's literally every game, every practice, everything. He never has a way to get there. It drives me literally insane.

Once Trae got his car it then became Trae's job to pick him up and take him home. Never once was gas money offered - nothing. Trae doesn't mind since he is a friend but as a mom I hate it. Well once again another season of picking up and taking home, every practice, every game. Obviously I know it's not the kids problem or fault but good grief come on now. So I told the father no more. Trae only has liability insurance (that we pay) and the knucklehead that worked on Trae's car after his accident cut his airbag cord so there are no airbags in the car. It's dangerous. I told him his son was not allowed to ride in Trae's car and he was not to ask Trae anymore because Trae can't say no and then when he takes him, I get mad and Trae gets in trouble. His father said that was fine.

Last night only a week after the parent to parent conversation, Trae calls me and says that his friend doesn't have a ride and he needs a ride. I was livid. How could his parents be so irresponsible? So I let Trae give him a ride to the game but afterwards his parents needed to be there to get him. During the game the parent was going on for about 15 minutes about how his son didn't have a way to the game on Thursday. Now in my mind I'm thinking it's only Monday you can't make arrangements for Thursday?

Now mind you this boy has his own licence, and a car of his own that is broken down, and his parents have 3 cars between the two of them. So why is this boy always stranded? Oh and lets no forget to mention that the father is a mechanic. No time to fix his sons car???

So I am at a cross road. Do I allow the boy in the car after I have already made it perfectly clear that I am not comfortable with it? Should I make the boys suffer because his parents aren't available to get him where he needs to go? Should I force another parent to be in the situation I have been in for years? Ultimately my boys are mad because they think I am being unreasonable. Of course Trish is the bad guy what's new?

I feel like why am I responsible to get this boy where he needs to be? Why does he need to be in my son's car? I paid for the car, I pay for the insurance and I paid 2200.00 to get the car fixed when Trae wrecked it and my husband has been unemployed since January 2009. Why can't his father fix his own son's car?

I feel like it's a matter of principle. He isn't my kid and I am not responsible for him but by doing that my boys get mad with me. Help me out, what do you think? Your advice is requested.

Trae is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When Trae and Coty moved here permanently in 2002 Trae was 11, Coty was 8 and Logan was 2. Trae wanted to play football. Well I was not thrilled to say the least. He played in Oregon and was so good that the coach's would see Andy on the road and flip U'ies to chase Andy down and find out if Trae was playing. He was the STAR Quarterback with quite the remarkable arm. Reluctantly I signed him up and thankfully Coty wasn't interested "yet". The first day Trae felt intimidated by the fact these kids seemed to be so much different. See the kids here they are born playing football, by the time they are 11 they seem like they should be playing in the NFL. Lets not forget the boys were not acclimated to the weather (heat/humidity) here. Living in Alaska he was not ready for full pads, 100 degrees and humidity then getting pummelled. Lets just say during the first day of practice Trae pulls me aside and says he doesn't want to play. Holding back the tears (of joy) I said that's fine Trae how about we try baseball.

That's how it started. I signed him and Coty up for baseball and thought we would try it out. Well that's all she wrote. My boys have this unbelievable love of the game. They ate, slept and talked of nothing else. Paul and I got real used to driving in separate cars and usually different directions. Run, Run, Run that's what we did. None stop from one field to another, from March to October. Paul who grew up with the game (his dad was a pitcher for the Houston Astros) was loving it.

As a freshman Trae made Varsity for his school and Coty was playing Little League, then his sophomore year Varsity again and Coty Little League. Now Junior year comes and Trae decides that he doesn't love the game anymore. WHAT? Are you joking me? Is today April fools day? OMG! I was devastated. I cried for two days, I just couldn't believe it. Here he is this kid that everyone says has such raw talent and he is a left handed pitcher (very rare) and his heart isn't in it anymore. He quit his high school team. It was very hard for me to understand. WHY? Oh God how will I pay for college now? I was so sure he would receive some kind of scholarship - now what?

Coty had terrible grades and we told him he couldn't play either, and Logan well he simply doesn't enjoy it. What the heck is going on? Paul and I spent every day at the fields for 7 years and so we decided to get on the board for Little League and for the first time no kids are playing. Can someone shoot me in the foot? I was wondering what summer would be like with no kids to watch play ball. I had nothing to look forward to now.

Coty's coach called and asked if Coty could please play on his team. Coty has this unreal love for the game of baseball. I swear you can't "watch" a game if he is in the room. His jaws continue to flap. He knows every team, every batter, every coach, every stat, everything. It's simply not normal for a 14 year old boy to know that much about one thing and yet this is the same kid that can't stay focused on any one class in school??? Coty has never had a lack of heart and I don't think he will ever not have fun playing baseball. I always tell Coty the best job for him is to be a sports commentator. He is ridiculous with the game of baseball. So the coach and I decided that maybe playing ball would help him do better in school. I gave in. Of course like usual I gave in and said yes.

Logan is also left handed and has a lot of potential in baseball. I think he can really do something with it but he doesn't love it. If I push now I may regret it later so I don't push - YET!

Somebody pinch me I must be having a nightmare.

Little League has a "Big League" team for Trae and they wanted Trae to play. I told the coach that I knew Trae didn't want to but if they needed him in order to have enough kids to play I could get him too. So they said they needed him. He wasn't happy to say the least but felt that he wouldn't not play and make all the other kids not be able to either for lack of enough to make a team. I thought I had it all figured out...until his friend Mason (the coach's son) tells him at school that they had 20 kids on the team. OOPS I failed to remember his friend was the coach's son. Darn it. At first Trae was throwing and his shoulder was really bothering him and he was not liking it. He was rusty and struggling.

Then all of a sudden, he bought a hit away to hook up to the basketball hoop, so he could practice hitting, he started throwing with one of his fellow team mates, and tonight he pitched the entire game. OMG --- is he's back? He is loving it again. I watched him smile when he struck out the best hitter on the opposing team (more like humiliated him). I looked over at the dug out and actually saw Trae laughing.

It's hard to describe how wonderful that was for me. It's actually indescribable. I know all parents think their kids are great at this or that, but at a certain point even parents know when their kid just doesn't have what it takes. That is not the case with Trae. He truly is gifted at the game. His coach's say he has "raw talent", a "gift", "so much potential" and to hear that stuff about you child every year when you know they love it to just makes your heart skip a beat. It's the best feeling EVER! I feel like this is Trae's chance to do something that he loves to do and yet either get some college paid through scholarships or maybe if he continues to grow and get better maybe even more and I want this for him so bad I can taste it.

He and Coty are beginning to go to a hitting coach and he is going to work with both of them and get them closer to their dreams and my hopes. This coach got a full ride scholarship to University of North Carolina and then played for the Philadelphia Phillies. He knows his baseball to say the least, he is a high school coach and even better he loves Trae. He says Trae is a coach's dream player. He works hard, plays hard, has a good attitude and never complains.

My dream for my boys is they will all have a chance at an easier life than I had and maybe have a few more opportunities. My life is wonderful don't get me wrong but it hasn't been an easy one. Not that playing baseball is the golden ticket but what could be better than get a free or semi free education by doing something they love.

I guess in a nut shell I am so happy that Trae has found that passion in baseball again! He wants to play and practice everyday until next season. It's his senior year and his chance to shine, prove himself, to do something great, I know he can do it, I know he wants to, now just to keep him smiling and laughing, that's the key to the golden ticket.
My boys will find their way in this life and whether its baseball or not I want to say that I believe baseball will have something to do with their lives. It makes them happy it makes me happy. Good Luck boys!!!!!!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Update on Andy

For those of you who have inquired about Andy and for those of you who read my initial post regarding him, I am told he is doing very well. He is still in the treatment facility. His mom tells me that he sits outside a lot and so he is getting a nice color to him, he has gained some weight and he has finally stopped shaking.

I am so proud of him for his decision to get his life back. Andy has so much potential and has such a good heart, the drinking just hid all that for so very long I am happy that the world will see the Andy that I know has been there this whole time.

I think of Andy all the time and I wonder why his life went so terribly wrong but ultimately I am so happy that he finds true happiness now and peace. He deserves it and my kids deserve to know their dad. The real man inside.

Please continue to pray for him and his family as there are never to many prayers. Andy still has an uphill climb but with the support of all of us and God I know he will be successful and the world will be a better place with him in it. Andy my hats off to you for the strength and courage this has taken and will continue to take. Always look straight down the road at the wonderful things coming and not the sides where temptation lays. Trae will be graduating next year and we expect a happy, healthy dad to be there.