Monday, May 11, 2009

Depression? Real or not real?

Growing up I did not have a good relationship with my mother. We fought, yelled and there were times when she would literally stay in her room for like three weeks at a time. I couldn't understand that at all. All my siblings would just ignore it, but call me insane I was a gluten for punishment obviously. I couldn't deal with it to say the least so I would bug the crap out of her and go in and start a fight hoping really I think for her to come out. Even if it meant her chasing me. Sometimes she would freak out and chase me or slap me, or sometimes I had the pleasure of getting cast iron pans thrown at me. Yes, you read that right, cast iron pans. Let me tell you there was never a time when I didn't think how bad that sucker would hurt if in fact she ever did get lucky enough to actually hit me. To this day I do not allow those pans in my home. I do have one pictured below but it's about the size of the palm of my hand and it's a tart burner. Not an actual pan.
By the time I left home for good (not when I was 15 that was the first and only time I actually left for a year) I defied my mother. I joined the USAF and left. I will never forget the first time I came home on leave I flew into Redmond Oregon and my dad told me to go hug my mom and I wouldn't/couldn't do it. He said she has changed, she is not the same person you remember. Whatever. I didn't believe that. How? While I had been gone my mother was diagnosed with manic depressive disorder. She was now on medication and wow what a different person. It was like night and day with her now. She was now the mother I always knew/wanted her to be.

She was different and wonderful and man my only regret was that she hadn't known that when my brothers and sisters and I were growing up. How different things could have been. Well I had one prayer all my life. Everyone has that one thing they always pray for. What was mine? Mine was that I would never be that person. That I would not be that mom that yelled, screamed, lost her temper, blah, blah, blah.

Well now the question is have I been successful with that? Not so much. I do yell it's me, scream not so much, and God knows I lose my temper. Sometimes I get so mad that I go to my room and go to bed and stay there. That is not so often. When I am laying there I think to myself Oh my God I have turned into my mother.

Why am I so much like her? The one thing I have always never wanted to be was like that other person and here I am sometimes just like her. Why?

Is it because it's easier than fighting with ??? Is it because Mr. Paul and I disagree on something or get into an argument? Is it because I have a bad day at work and can't shake it?

I finally decided no matter what I was not going to display that type of behavior again and so far for the most part I have been successful in not throwing such a temper tantrum. However I have realized a lot of things through the years I believe have all contribute to this behavior.

Of course heredity is definitely part of it. I believe that some reason I have terrible self esteem and when the "person (husband, kids)" in my life aren't affectionate or loving I get down in the gutter and immediately I believe that he doesn't love me. Why does a man dictate my mood?

The kids? Well there is a lot of drama with kids. I wonder what I have done wrong sometimes, don't get me wrong they are great kids. But they do horrible in school it's like they switch. At one point one will be doing great and the other is below the allowable. Once we (I) nag loud enough and long enough they will switch.

Work? Well work is work. Whether you work in the home, out of the home, full time, part time, whatever their is stress there. Some days are going to be better than others so I am not alone there.

So what is it about my life that makes me feel like I am a stick of dynamite that is waiting to explode? Are my issues real or am I just making a mountain out of a mole hill? Am I really miserable or is all of this actually depression?

Well I can't answer the question. I do the best I can with my kids and I always have. I am not a perfect parent by any stretch but I do the best I can. I also try to be a good wife. I never place myself in a compromising situation. I avoid any idea of one. I told Mr. Paul my secret when I met him. If you ever do or say something that you can't tell me about than that is probably a good indication you shouldn't be doing it. So I live by that.

At work I am always a hard worker. I always give 110% that has never been an issue.

Maybe the real reason I went into my mom's room was because I had a need for affection. You know what they say negative attention is better than none. So maybe I just needed to have her attention. Regardless of the fact that she wanted to kill me with that frigging pan. Maybe now I react the way I do with my kids and Mr. Paul because I feel ignored and mistreated and again negative attention is better than none at all???

Through it all I think I probably do fight depression daily. I don't take medication for it, I just fight it but I fight that fight daily. The real issue for me is self esteem. I have never really been good at that. I always feel less of a person than most. My house isn't as good, my hair isn't styled right, I am not dressed good enough, to fat, to thin, my face is broke out, whatever the case may be there is always an insecurity. I need constant reassurance and well lets face it there are people in the world who are not up to the task.


Janna said...

It was not an easy life for you or the rest of us for that matter. You are such a beautiful special person and I hurt inside knowing I wasn't around during those times. I can only pray that I can be there for you now.

To happier times...I love you little sister.

Lizzieborden said...

depression is real and we all dealt with it when we were kids and even as adults as mom went through her times. We all learned that if you have it you will most likely have to take medication to even out moods.

Jaimey said...

I highly recommend you talk to your dr about the symptoms you are feeling. I suspect you do have depression. there really isn't the stigma there used to be. It is very curable and you DONT have to feel that way! I know, I have been there, been medicated and lived to tell about it. I am currently doing great and lived through the whole Jonathan saga without meds (god knows how)
There are also some natural ways to help if you just don't want to be medicated. :) you don't have to spend your whole life fighting. Thats no fun at all. Love you!

teresa said...

sweetie, no one was a better friend to me when i first began having trouble with depression last year. even in the darkest days you punched right through with the tough and honest insights, and you were 100% right. you helped me and you supported Paul when he needed you the most - let yourself be supported and loved by others as well. love ya when you're happy, love ya when you're blue, love ya all the live long day, so take care of you. hugs!