Monday, April 13, 2009

Pushing myself forward...

Well the loss of my mother in January has been the hardest thing I have ever tried to get through. Of course the passing of a loved one is never easy but I never thought that my life without her would be so completely empty. Growing up she and I didn't really see eye to eye--to say the least. But after I joined the USAF things were different. We began to speak more and more and before long she was coming to my house in Maryland every summer. Then when I had my youngest son Logan she came and lived with Paul and I for 9 months. It was great having someone around, hard too but overall a time in my life I will cherish forever. Paul's stories of having to clean the kitchen after she would make a sandwich is hilarious. How anyone can drop bread under the refrigerator and not know it he just doesn't understand. LOL

When I first came home from Oregon January 26, 2009 it seemed as though I was okay. Day to day life here with my family kicked in and before I knew it a month had passed, then two, three and now four. I was handling the loss exceptionally well or so I thought.. then one day one of my best friends Linda had a gift sent to my house and that's when I realized I hadn't handled anything. Staring at the days of my mother's life I realized I had subconsciously told myself she hadn't passed she was just unavailable. I couldn't call her because of the time change, she was sleeping, etc whatever excuse I could muster up in my head to tell myself she was there, just not available. As I stood in my kitchen looking at this gift I realized I couldn't call, write or talk to her ever again. I had basically slipped into this massive depression over the loss of my mother, my best friend and didn't even realize it.

I had been working and that was it. I hadn't done anything with anyone since I had been back. I hadn't gone anywhere with friends, and I realized I really hadn't even spoken to them except over text or email. That protected me from them knowing I was not okay. Having to hear those words "I would feel better with time", or "things would get easier" or just "I'm sorry" were to much to bear. With time all things will heal, but I wasn't ready for that yet. I wanted her, I wanted to tell her what was going on with me, and the kids and Paul....I wanted my best friend back, didn't she know so much had happened since we last spoke???

It's not fair to lose both your parents at such a young age. My dad at 28 and now my mom at 39. My kids didn't know her, they never got to laugh with her, or get annoyed at her stories. How is that fair?? I do have to say when she would come in the summers, and Trae and Coty didn't want to play outside because it was so hot she would make them run up and down the stairs to burn off energy. They still laugh about that.

Then as I stared at my priceless gift I realized she lives now through me, and all my family who knew her. Her memories survive through my stories, my memories and my example. She was the rock that held my family together and it was up to me to continue her legacy. Sulking was not the proper way to honor her. Being the best mom I can be and living life to the fullest is how I honor her memory. Thus this blog.

My mother raised 8 children and we are all very good people. We are all "fairly" normal and have grown to create our own loving families. As I sat in my mother's house with the entire family almost there at any given time, I realized that although my family never had all that money could buy growing up but we did have was something that so many other families lacked. My home was always filled with laughter, and an overwhelming amount of love. Our cup runnith over.

I wrote this and I believe it to be true. "Life is not measured by the shell others see but by the mold we leave when the shell is gone!"

1 comment:

Christine J said...

oh man... i am bawling now... it is such a good reminder though. the ones we love aren't always going to be here.

It's so... on point... how you described her passing... and how you dealt with it - that she just wasn't available. time change, sleeping, etc. that is something that is definitely going to stick with me. and i am going to remember that, or try to, every time the parentals are on my last nerve. there is going to be a time when they are more than just "unavailable".

thanks for a great perspective.