Me

Me

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Trae and his new car

tough guy Coty the day Trae got his new car
God forbid he shows any emotion
I think he is smiling, amazing!
At the dealership right before they cleaned it.

I have been slacking on keeping up with blogs. Recently Trae started having a lot of car trouble so we had no choice but to buy him a new car. Well I shouldn't say buy him, since he is paying for it. We took him, helped him find a good car and the payment is right for him.

Although he has never had a bill before so he is really stressing about this payment. It's not even due until the middle of January and he has more than enough already for the first payment but he is really stressing.

Once he graduates he will have to pay the insurance too and that is going to be an issue for him. Oh well all I know is this is one thing I can cross off my list of things to worry about.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Did you say "Suicide"?

For the past 6 months I have sat back and watched my sons grieve the death of their good friend, Stephen A. Pronobis. I thought with time it would pass or they would find a way to work through it. I was wrong. Since Stephen's death, Coty has been arrested, expelled from his high school, and progressively sinking farther and farther down. He is angry, he is hurting and although I have him in counseling and I have tried to do whatever I can to help its just doesnt seem to be enough.

I decided I needed to do more, so I found an angel. Dennis Liegghio agreed to come to one of the local high schools and speak about suicide. He brought Jean Larch a fellow founder of noresolve.org to discuss the warning signs, her experiences and her book. Her book is entitled Dying to be free.

Dennis' father committed suicide when he was 14. His last words to his father were all but great, and yet all he remembered. He spent the next 10 years of his life grief stricken, filled with regret and drugs. About the age of 24 he decided to give back, to take his loss and try to give others hope and understanding about that secret word that is only ever really whispered at best.

Dennis coming here was never about me, but I have to say as they spoke and I looked around the room and felt so proud. How could I not? Seriously this duo came to speak to my friends and community about suicide for no other reason than to help us cope. They are a non profit organization that gave so much more than money ever could. They have buttons, CD's, books and shirts with their logo on it all of which are donations only. They did leave some for me because I thought I could sell them for them, as a small way to try to give even more.

What does the logo mean? We have all heard that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but that's just not the way life usually works. We are faced with obstacles and challenges throughout lives and we are forced to take a detour to overcome those obstacles. The logo symbolizes those detours and contains the infinity symbol to represent our journey through life.

When it came to taking Dennis and Jean back to the airport I found my heart aching. I felt sad, like I was saying goodbye to my family. How can it be possible to feel so close to people you only just met? Someone who takes the most tragic and personal situation to happen to his life and share it with perfect strangers to try to help them. How much strength and admiration I feel for this person. I found myself crying (Shocker) while I hugged them goodbye. Then the coolest thing happened. When I gave Jean a hug she told me she would miss me and I could hear the tears in her struggled voice. I had made two more life long friends.

We've all heard the saying "Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take but about the moments that take our breath away". Well for me this was one of those moments.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

What is normal?

Sometimes when I reflect on my day or my life thus far I wonder if I am normal? Is it normal to have a good day, a bad day, good, bad, etc? Is it normal to be so emotional? Am I the only one in the world who literally feels dizzy from the roller coaster in which I seem to be unable to get off of? Am I the only one on the roller coaster? Is it normal to watch a Hallmark commercial and be brought to tears? but the next moment be twirling around blowing bubbles for no known reason (sounds just like me huh?).

I've talked many times on here about all the changes in which I have made within myself. How I am more forgiving than I ever was before. How I am less vocal (really I am) than I used to be. How one day I feel as if the changes in me have made me a better person but really in all honesty I have always been the same person. I simply have grown up, matured and have learned a better delivery of the things I say - learned to pick my battles but many people, family to boot have mistaken this change for thinking that I am not longer Trish.

Then I wonder what is wrong with Trish? Family well they have to love you but they don't have to like you, text you, call you, email you, and friends, well friends choose you. Ultimately all the people in my life have made a choice to be there so I have to believe that Trish is a good, decent and fun person. LOL Why else would I feel my cup runneth over with all the family and friends who support me and who are in my life.


What is normal? Normal is nonexistent. It is not defined. Normal is whatever we experience. Normal is life changes, people change but hopefully you my friend reading this, hopefully you don't change and you always remain in my life because life with you in it is so much more gratifying then life without you.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sick of it

I try to be a reasonable person but although I know why Mr. Paul and I argue it's really on my last nerve. I guess since this is my blog I have to be as honest with myself as possible. I try to remember that with Mr. Paul being the "man of the house" and being unemployed for a year next month has taken a toll on him. I know people get in a rut and it's hard to get out of it, but how come I feel like everyone in the house is punished for Mr. Paul's unemployment???

He stays up most the night, I am well on my way to never never land by the time he enters the bed. I get up before the rosters crow and he is sleeping and when I get home like all of us I'm tired. I get here and the house may or may not be clean, there may or may not be dinner, Mr. Paul may or may not be in a good mood. Quite honestly he is always mad, he is always irritated and I am honestly sick of walking into a bomb shell every day.

I can't change that he doesn't work, I can't change the way he feels. I honestly find there are times I do resent him. I hate when I have to get up at 5:00 am and he is snoozing, I hate that I have to commute and he doesn't and I hate that I come home starving and there's nothing ready for me to eat. (I'm being honest).

For example, today he was mad because the dishwasher was clean and yet the boys would open it to get a fork but not unload the entire thing. When I asked if anyone was going to do the dishes Mr. Paul said neither he or I would be doing it but yet he hadn't asked either of them to do it. Trae hasn't been home all day and Coty is not feeling well. Not to mention he didn't ask either of them to do it. He says he shouldn't have too, I say they aren't going to do it if you don't ask. So Mr. Paul and I end up in this fight because ultimately the kitchen needs to be done and isn't.

It just seems like our marriage has become two against each other instead of a team. Yesterday when we were going to the dealership for Trae he made a comment like this. "I don't know why I am going, it's not like I can do anything". While at the dealership he says "its your jeep". It makes me want to scream. I would never have bought the jeep for me, I don't even like driving it, and yet he throws it in my face everyday that "it's my jeep" because my name is on the title and his isn't.

I am not innocent and although I know it definitely doesn't help to even bring it up but I am human and it does. Even the kids who normally are tight with Mr. Paul they don't even want to ask him anything because he is ALWAYS in a bad mood. For example: Mr. Paul is on his way to blockbuster and Coty just asked me if Trae could take him to blockbuster to rent a game. I told him to call Mr. Paul since he was already on his way there and he said naw he's already in a bad mood so I would rather Trae just took him.

Ultimately I guess what we are experiencing is not that unique to a family with our situation in today's economy but it is so frustrating and I wonder if we will ever have what we used to or if it's too late.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What am I thankful for???

When I awoke this morning I thought about the dreaded cooking, all the awful football games, the mess, the dishes and how my stomach was definitely going to burst after all the food I knew I would eat.

I got up and texted everyone in my cell phone address book, I signed on to Facebook and said my usual funny antidote about the day and read everything all my friends and family had to say about this day of thanks. Pretty much the usual stuff you would expect to read on Thanksgiving. Of course I am so thankful for all the same things my friends, my family, my husband, my life, my health, my kids, all those things go without saying.


Then as I stood in the kitchen in my apron on (pink of course) and my IPOD cranking a little of this and a little of that I thought about all the things I was really most thankful for......


I thought about the most wonderful 28 years I had with my dad. With his hair almost always sticking up somewhere for lack of combing it, his missing teeth and the ones he did have were probably rotten, his muscle shirt that most definitely had something ridiculous written on it, standing there with that most perfect smile. How he loved me in yellow, how he bought me a yellow dress from the Salvation Army when I was in first grade and how I wore it everyday until my mother threw it away. He was the most the most important man I would ever know and love.

I thought about my mother. The 39 cherished years I was blessed to be her daughter. How as a child I hated her, and one lucky day I realized she was my most bestest friend. The one person in this world who knew every detail of my everyday life. The person I couldn't wait to tell everything too. The woman who in her last moments was so worried something would happen to the things I asked for that she boxed up my dishes and wrote my name on the box and she safety pinned the ring I had given her years before to her bedroom curtain for me. The woman that changed my life and gave me everything I could ever hope to give my own kids.



I thought about my most thoughtful sister, Janna (banana)who I never really knew until last year. Her surprise visit for my birthday. She is beautiful, funny as crap and so giving. She has the most frigging awesome husband, Troy. He looks at me sometimes and I wonder what he is thinking. What lie had Banana told him?? He wears these huge belt buckles they make me smile - frigging hill billy. He always listens to me over facebook or on the phone when I am venting or sad, or crying. When someone in the family hurts me, I call him. He always says the perfect thing. They have truly been a gift.

I thought about my cherished sister, Sue (SuzyQ) who brought banana here to give us a chance to see the wonder in each other. The gift Sue gave me of a sister I never knew is inconceivable. She is so funny and beautiful (they say I look just like her) and my God the memories of her I have. That damn blind ass shetland pony named Suzy (SHOCKER) she always made me ride. She broke the first NEW toy I ever had. A big wheel she got on it and busted that thing immediately. Although at the time I was of course pissed, today that story makes me laugh and smile and think so fondly of the sister who has always loved me for exactly who I am.


My sister Liz (Lizzard)who has always visited me where ever I might live. She and I email each other everyday all day long while at work. We know everything about each other and everything that is going on daily. If she is off or I am the other is pissed. How in the world will we make it through the work day without chatting over email? She has made a new tradition and the coolest part is it includes me. Every year she fly's to my house for my birthday and we get our hair done with my hairdresser Fadi. No matter how broke she is, how little time she has off, or the fact she comes and leaves her husband home she comes to be with me.

My brother Gary for his insane humor. The texts and emails he sends that although usually are disgusting make me laugh. For the hundreds of voice mails he leaves me where he sings, tells me jokes, or rambles about absolutely nothing at all but does it to let me know he is thinking of me.

My brother Johnnie who gave me away when my father had died and couldn't. He stood by me on my most important day and made me feel like I was an angel. He comes every year for my birthday and although I won't admit I know he comes to see his twin sister too, would literally take his heart out of his body to save me.


I thought about my nephews and nieces that text me and tell me how much they love me for no reason at all. It's not my birthday, Christmas or any other special reason other than to them, I am special. Who can see a picture of one of my children and pick them out of a line up. For the fact that although the age and distance between us they never forget their Auntie.


My friend Kim who although the unimaginable thing that brought us together is anything but ideal, her friendship brightens my day. She is such a loving, kind, person and she truly brings a smile to my face every day. She makes me want to be a better person. No matter what, she is always happy (even if she's only pretending), and always trying to help others. She is an amazing person who I can only dream to be more like.


My high school friends who only really knew my past and the part of my future I write on facebook, but they read it, they look at my photos, they comment, they have opened their hearts up to me and found a place for me in their lives.




My Priest (my man in black), whom I know would be disappointed in my lack of attending Mass since the death of my mother, would not judge me, or make me feel like a lesser human, but would encourage me, tell me how forgiving God is. I never felt whole until I met and became to know Father White. I didn't know it was possible to actually become so attached to a Priest that Church never will be the same without him there.


And what about the things we complain about?? Are they not truly blessings but possibly in disguise? What would we be without them? Who would we be without them?


My ex - Andy. To him the man that literally can send me to the moon and back easier than anyone on the planet, to him I am thankful for the years of happiness we had together, and the two kids he gave me the pleasure to help raise. For making me feel special everyday when I was young and felt like I was the ugly duckling. For teaching me that I am a beautiful person and worthy of love.

Lets not forget his family. Larry, Patty and Becky who I love dearly. They opened their homes to me and gave me so many memories. Becky who was always like a little sister to me that I have to say makes better homemade bread then Wonder. Larry and Patty who I was more like another kid to pay for always included me in everything. I was never a burden to them, when things went south between Andy and I they were still good to me. Today they are my family and I theirs. I am truly thankful for that it's not often the case.






Thanksgiving is a day of reflection and thankfulness. What I realized today is there is so many more things to be thankful for than there are to not. My life although seemingly tiresome, black and almost always filled with drama, is actually full of love, laughter and life. Although there will be days of anger and depression I will try to spend even a minute everyday from here on out remembering these things.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Depression is tiring

OMG all I want to do is sleep. I know this too shall pass as it often does. One day you feel as if the world is crumbling on your shoulders and the next day it seems like the sun has never shone brighter. Regardless we all have these days. Today is in the middle of those two analogies. Not as bad as yesterday but the sun isn't bright either. I think we all know these days, just kind of blah but not terrible but all you want to do is sleep.

I hear often I need to take time for myself. Do girl stuff (hard in a house full of boys) but things for me. I make excuses, no money, no time, blah blah. Well this weekend, I hope to scrap book with Kim and just sit and laugh and drink coffee and relax.

I know this will be just what the doctor ordered. Even me the fixer of all others problems, needs to take time for just me.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Boo hoo to me......

I feel sorry for myself and yeah well too bad. Everyone does at times and today is my day. I feel like everyone in the world has a better life than I do and a better spouse and better kids, and if that's how I feel well so be it, it must be right.

Throughout this blog I give advise, I talk about how I handled this and that, and how I am not going to let the woe's of life get to me and well today isn't one of those days. Today the world sucks and so does my life.

If you read my blog you already know that 2009 has literally been the worst year of my life. I have never had "good" luck but Jesus is my witness life has never been this complicated. Never literally one problem everyday sometimes even more. Literally no joke, not lying, nope every day Mr. Paul calls me and something has happened.

I'm telling the world and all who read this that I have had enough. I can't take it, I'm tired, stressed and seriously want more than anything to drive myself straight to the hospital and check myself in. The rubber room for a month yep that's what I need. No contact with anyone. No problems, no yelling, no kids, no Mr. Paul, no work, NO STRESS, just rest, quiet and did I mention NO Stress???

Is there an Island somewhere where woman go to distress? Is there such a place? Calgon? Get real no bath and stupid soap is going to work it's way through these bones, I need a real honest to Goodness stress relief. Where is that place?

I know I know boo hoo right? Well shit on you for even thinking it. I know most people think of me as a rock, the strong one, the one with advise, the caregiver, the one that fixes everything, but dang it I am so not. I am not, I am not, I am allowed a meltdown from time to time and well deal cause right now is my meltdown.

Okay I'm done. Am I over it? No definitely not, but my therapy, this blog, it gives me temporary relief, hence why I write it - Duh!

Friday, November 6, 2009

What happened to the days when....


I remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground? The worst thing you could get from boys was cooties, mom was your hero and dad was the boy you were going to marry? Your worst enemies were your siblings, and race issues were who ran the fastest, and war was a card game? The only drug you knew of was cough medicine, and wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut? The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike, the only thing that hurt was skinned knees and the only thing that could get broken was your toys? Goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? Life was simple and care-free, but what I remember most was wanting to grow up.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

2009

2009 hasn't been the best year I've ever experienced to say the least. I had all these situations that could if I let them be a reason for me to lay around, eat everything in sight and feel miserable. Which I can say some days have gotten the best of me. It started with the death of my mother, Paul being laid off, Trae wrecked his car and Paul hit mine when backing out of the garage and that was just in January. Since then, Coty was expelled from school with two court dates upcoming, Trae has an upcoming court date, I was rear ended and lord knows what the next 2 months will bring.

This year I have not been to Mass but once I think. It started out I missed while in Oregon with my mother, and the more I missed the easier it became. I began to wallow in my own sorrows. Poor me, my life sucks, my kids are stressing me, my husband blah blah blah.

Well enough is enough I refuse to let my own life be shitty because things are not going as I think they should. I don't want my friends, family and not my kids to remember me when I am not here as always grumpy and mad.

2009? I met some great new friends who I talk to almost daily and I can't imagine my life without them. I have a great job. I am GOING to quit smoking. I am talking to a long lost BFF whom I have missed everyday for so many years. I have great kids that as all kids do they make bad decisions and they have me to count on when they do. I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a Queen not to mention he's HOT! (Come on ladies you all know he is HOT)

I am responsible for myself and my own happiness and I am going to fight every day, every minute if that's what I have to do to remind myself that I can be happy if I set my mind to it. I know that God needs to be placed back in my life and needs to be #1. I know that I refuse to repay bad behavior, bad moods as a reaction for bad situations.
We drop a penny on the ground and just look at it as though it's so insignificant. We see one on the ground and don't pick it up. But if you look closely the key to life's success is written clearly right on top. Trust in God and all things are possible.
Final thought: I must remind myself of the quote I wrote after the death of my mother. "Life is not measured by the shell others see but by the shell we leave when the shell is gone". I must remember that and be happy everyday for the gift of that day.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I made it.......

Well with the help of my family and friends my 40th birthday was a success. We had costumes, cake, gifts, snacks, beer, drinks, and many many laughs. I was a cave woman. I bought these 40 sunglasses and my good friend Kim and sister Liz bedazzled them. They don't match the costume but they are fun and I am loving them.

Thank you to all my friends and family for all your warm wishes. I couldn't make it without you.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Another birthday......

Well Halloween is my 40th birthday. 40 years ago I blessed this world with my presence. It's hard to believe I am 40 where did the years go. I remember sitting in my parents vehicle at my grandma's house with my friend Julie talking about how wonderful things we were going to be when I turned 16 and got my licence. Then turning 21 while living in Alaska and pregnant with my son Trae.



When I reflect on all the things I have done in my life it seems like I have really lived, but I definitely have a lot more living to do. Now at my age I think the age I live for is just living. No number, no amount of years, just living. My life turned out according to my plan and I think that's all that matters.


I have done what I set out to do since the day in that driveway. I have married the man of my dreams and I have mothered three pretty perfect (as teens can be) boys. I guess the next stage will be grandma and I'm sure I prefer to wait a long time for that. (Please Lord give me the gift of years before you grant me this wish).


My life isn't perfect, not even remotely perfect but hopefully I have been successful. Hopefully my boys will all grow up to be productive citizens and marry and have kids of their own and when my day comes to pass, I will be happy.

"Life is not measured by your outer shell, but by the mold you leave when the shell is gone". ~ Trish Brechtel (I wrote this after the death of my mother)

Monday, October 19, 2009

You ever just want to bury your head in the sand?

You know I remember talking to a friend late last year and her saying that 2009 was going to be my year. Lets take a quick reflection thus far. The year started out with Paul losing his job and my mother dying. After that, I've had to deal with 2 suicides, 2 attempts, 2 wrecks (neither mine), getting rear ended, one friend of my son's in rehab, one fight in the mall getting my son banned from there and of course my favorite, one of my son's losing my trust so bad I can't let him out of my sight for fear of what I get when he gets home, that is assuming he comes home.

Seems like every day as I am driving home I wonder to myself what is the night going to bring me? One of my son's favorite things to say to me is "mom just chill out". Man when he says that I want to come out of my skin. Doesn't he realize that a person can only take so much before one day they just explode? Why do kids think they are the only ones that have trouble or stress?

I try to be the best friend, wife, mother and employee I can be. I try to stay positive and have words of encouragement to anyone who may need it. I try to hide my unhappiness to everyone. I try to put everyone ahead of myself, and ultimately remember that although I fight depression every day and have my entire life, I don't want that to be what people remember about me. I don't want depression to define me. It's days like today that all I really want to do is bury my head in the sand and give up.

I know this too shall pass but I often wonder what I have done wrong to deserve such a trying life. What I could do differently or what I can say to make my children's life's better. I know I have done my best but sometimes I think my best isn't good enough. I can fail at everything in life if that is what happens, but failing as a parent is something I could never forgive myself for.

My kids are what gets me up every day and yet sometimes I wonder why they think I don't care. Mostly I understand that kids just say that, but they really do know what a parent does for them and why, and that they don't think to say "thanks" for anything but that doesn't make it any easier on those days where a thank you is all you need. I would give my kids anything they want if I could all in return all I would want is for once any of them to walk up and give me a hug for no reason. Just because I am there mom and because they love me. Lets face it they're boys and teens to boot and that is just not going to happen.

My heart feels so heavy and mostly empty today but I guess like every person in the world, I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe full of sunshine and maybe rain, but regardless I have to believe that my life really isn't much different then everyone else's.

The funny part is everyone always says you know God doesn't give you more than he knows you can handle. Well my question is this. Does God really think I am Mount Everest because good grief enough is enough.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Being a mother- Arg so exhausting

Being a mother is the most trying, challenging, frustrating, rewarding, proud and hardest job I have ever had. I realize after many blogs that I have done what I can and although my sons are still kids in a way they are grown. They know the difference between right and wrong and although they still live at home, they will make decisions everyday that I may or may not agree with. Really I just have to try to guide them and help them make solid decisions but at this point they are ultimately going to do what they want anyway.

My thankful moment for this Wednesday is that I feel my kids for the most part are going to be productive members of society and I am proud of them.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Bully gets away......


Today Trae was walking in the local mall with his girlfriend when this 20+ year old punk wearing a UFC sweatshirt decided to start yelling at him calling him a faggot and telling Trae to pull up his pants. Trae's pants are droopy but they don't show his underwear. Trae did the right thing and ignored him and kept walking.

Shortly later on another floor of the mall the guy came up to Trae and got nose to nose with him and was saying the same things. Trae pulled up his pants but the dude kept on calling him a faggot. Trae did what anyone would have done and punched him (about 4 times). The guy never threw a punch at Trae but did stop calling him names.

The mall cops came and the bully decided at that time to call 911 and say Trae hit him. The guys eye was bleeding all down his face. The mall cops took Trae to a private room and once he was there they handcuffed him. I don't understand that part at all. If a kid has never been in trouble, is cooperating, why are you going to handcuff him while there is a room of Charles County Sheriffs and mall cops? Where do you think he's going?

Then to boot they banded Trae from the mall for a year. The other guy was dancing around laughing saying "this is what I do". What a dick. So Paul and I went to the mall to confront him. He works there. He wasn't there but the kid working told us his name and so we called the district store. They were not happy, so I wonder will he be dancing tomorrow when his district manager is in his face.

I totally understand the fact that the mall police and Sheriffs have to do what they have to do to try to keep the ruckus from happening and coming to the mall, but a kid and his girlfriend walking through the mall minding their own business being bullied and yelled at and followed in the mall, feel like they are being threatened so they react and they get barred from the mall for a year. What's up with that?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Help is needed

I'm writing this for advise from anyone who has been there done that worn the tee shirt. I have a friend who is near and dear to my heart. I will call her Kim. Kim is a beautiful woman who takes your breath away by sight. She is the sweetest person you could ever meet. She would take the shirt literally off her back if you needed it. She is loving, intelligent and honestly the best friend anyone could ever want or need. She has all the attributes of the perfect friend, there's only one problem. She has no belief in herself, she has no idea how wonderful she is, she has no faith that anyone could ever need her, want her. She has no clue what wonderful gifts she has to offer. Why you ask? She isn't allowed. Huh?

She has no self esteem, self pride, and she will NOT rock the boat, EVER! Her husband is very controlling. He tells her where she can go, what she can do, where she can work, where she will get her mail, where she can take her child, he controls every aspect of her life and identity. It started with small things and has begun to grow into things she knows are wrong but can't find the strength to fight. If she goes against anything he says, he repays her by doing things that hurt her and then tells her it's her fault. He wouldn't have done it, if she wouldn't have disobeyed.

Now to you and I we may disagree on stuff with our spouse, but most often it's about it's small things that all couples endure, but for her there is no normal, everything is a battle, and his retaliation against her for fighting even the simplest of battles is a deal breaker for the rest of us. For her it's something she caused him to do.
She owns her home,(something she had prior to their marriage) she does work ( of course her job was approved by him), but although she has survived many years without a husband, he has convinced her that without him she will crumble and lose it all. I of course give her much advise, I tell her she has to train herself to think differently. To think for herself and her child. Her husband will not like that one bit. Now I don't think he would hurt her, but regardless she is scared. She has allowed him to break her down to where she believes she is nothing, she has no inner strength, she doesn't know how to do something without his permission (which is rarely given).

When I talk to her I feel like I am forceful and like she resents me for my constant advise. My advice seems unwelcome and although I know she knows I love her I wonder if I say the right thing, or the wrong thing. I wonder how to help her, how do I help her? Am I making it worse for her? She understands what I am saying and agrees with me but putting it into action is the hard part. She has no friends, she isn't allowed, she can't even wave to neighbors in passing that is forbidden.
Is there a book, is there something positive I can do or say that will help her gain strength to fight this horrible man? The worst part is I know him and he is a decent guy to the outside world. He would do anything for anyone ELSE, just not her. He loves her child and every once in awhile he is actually nice to her. However she is kept clear that she has a place and that place is behind him, not just to cook dinner but to bring it to him, not just to keep the house clean, but to pick up after him, he doesn't have to do anything at all in the home, that is a woman's job. Yes believe it or not there is still at least one man on the planet earth that believes that and she found him. That includes the outside, she is to mow the lawn, she is to fix the drain outside if it is clogged even if that means digging five feet down with a shovel. His vehicle is never even a year old, hers starts if it's a good day and if not, well sorry. She can't have a computer, she can't be online, and to ensure that he password protects them.

Please help me, leave a comment, tell me what worked for you or someone you know. Tell me something so I don't feel so helpless. I am her only friend and I am only allowed because there is great distance between us. If he knew I was trying to help her gain her strength I would be forbidden too.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Really???

If you move away from family when you are a young adult and live far away all of your adult life, is it okay for you family to not know who your kids are? And don't get me started on how to spell their names. Of course spelling them differently than the "norm" it's to be expected that people might spell them wrong but family after 18 years, seriously??? Trae and Coty. It's only four letters, here I will help you T-R-A-E and C-O-T-Y.
It must come down to me feeling like it's the old "Out of sight out of mind" thing. I know all my nephews and nieces. I cherish them all. I text the majority of them and they text me. Would it be okay if I didn't know them? To me that's easy...... Hell no! That's unacceptable, no if's, ands or buts about it.

It's not anything to lose sleep over but it does hurt. I sent Trae's senior picture over text to all my family and friends. I got a response saying "Who are you?" I thought to myself hey it's a phone, maybe the screen is small, maybe it's blurry... Maybe... Maybe.....Maybe. Not only did that message tell me that you didn't know my son, but you didn't have my number saved in your phone. WOW aren't we family? Siblings even.

You know I have facebook, myspace, and this blog. I post pictures on all of them. Not a computer user? Your spouse and kids are. They are on my pages, don't you see them? You get my family pictures at Christmas, right? (Of course not every year but I try and actually have never gotten one from you). My friend from high school sent back "WOW he looks just like you". Okay so if he looks like me did you forget what I look like?
I have no doubt that I will take some heat for this blog but the thing is, this is my blog, my online therapy, my page my feelings, my opinion. So I will just say it now, if you are mad then I say Do you feel guilty? Don't read it, don't look at it, whatever works for you, the fact remains even though no harm was meant, harm was received and that's how I feel.

Of course I will get over it, I always do, but for right now, I am hurt.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Cheesen in the tux

Trae Matthew Hampson my 18 year old son is a Senior this year. He will graduate in June 2010. The school he attends enforces you get your photo taken in this "standard" attire. This is my favorite picture of course he and I don't agree. I like the smile he doesn't. My baby boy is so handsome.

How did 18 years pass already? When they are babies and they get up every two hours, you pray for this day. When we are in the potty training stage and mess in their pants, you pray for this day. When they get into everything, learn the word "NO", cause a seen in a public place, nag you for toys, complain about homework, you get called by the principal (luckily I have NEVER gotten that one), when they begin dating, and get their hearts broken, you pray for this day.

I'm here to tell you I know it will not be long when I am typing my Graduation Day blog and I dread it. Trae is my first born and we all know there is a special bond between a mother and her first born. I'm in no way am I saying I love him more than the other two because I don't it's just everything for him that was a first was also a first for me. Trae is my training wheels for kids and I don't think I did half bad. I may be ready to try a trike but definitely not ready for only two wheels. I try to remember that he learned to ride without training wheels a long time ago, it's me who has to relearn.
I'm a proud mother and although Trae is probably very ready to move on to the next chapter in his life, I for one am not in a hurry for that day to come. I'm excited for him, and just hope I have given him all the tools he needs to be successful and even more importantly remembers how to use them.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Clear or Foggy?



Does anyone know why it's so hard to make any type of decision regarding your own life but it is so simple to see so clearly what someone else should do in theirs?

How many times do we say to our friends "you should do this or that?" Your friend cries and tells you what is wrong with her/his life and the writing is boldly written on the wall for me but my own life is so completely unsolvable? What is that about? Easy to hand out advise but refuse to take the very same advise. You think in your mind how simple the answer is why doesn't he/she see it??? Like looking into a fish bowl --its clear as a bell.

I have a friend I will call her Pam. She has every reason to be miserable and the issues in which she faces every day I have NEVER been through anything even remotely close to the same thing. She deals with it her way and although I can't imagine in which way I would handle it, and not judging her at all for handling it the way she is, I still see how self destructive it is. How do I help her? How can I offer up any advise when I have no idea the pain she feels? I feel so helpless I don't want to overstep myself but I don't want to pretend that it's okay either.

I feel like all I can do is be a friend to her, talk to her, be there for her, and listen. Be the friend to her that I would want if I was in her shoes. There is no simple answer, life throws us all curve balls all we can do is try to catch them and not let them smack us in the face.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Friend or Foe?

I have two friends that I really don't care much for their significant other. Yesterday I was actually speaking to both of them and during a conversation with one of them she was telling me how she had been receiving phone calls from another man. He is only a friend but she enjoys talking to him. I asked her if her significant other was talking on the phone to another women would that bother her, she responded yes. I said well, just because he has played mind games with you for years, really doesn't give you the right to do it to him. I told her playing with people's hearts is cruel and if he couldn't do it without hurting her she shouldn't do it to him. She responded with but you're my friend you're supposed to be on my side.

As I told her I am on her side but I believe Karma is a beotch and it will come back eventually. You can't do to him what would hurt you. You know the saying, two wrongs don't make a right. Although I knew she wasn't mad at me for being honest and telling her how I feel, it really made me stop and think.

Do friends think that you should always take up for them even when you are against what they are doing? Does not taking up for them make you a bad or a good friend? Is it better to say nothing rather than say what is exactly on your mind (when they ask)?

I think I am a great friend and I think that people know how I feel about important issues. I also feel like telling someone you care about something that skirts how you really feel doesn't help them. As we all know telling the truth is always harder than lying in almost every situation but in the end causes so much less pain.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Sanity returns?

School is back in session. Trae is a senior, Coty is a sophomore and Logan is in fourth. Finally after the absolute worst summer of all time, (actually if I am being honest the worst YEAR) maybe some peace in our home. What do I mean? Well for crying out loud you must not have any kids, or shall I say teens/young adults. First when kids are off for the summer this is what they do. Stay up all night playing video games, texting, on myspace, whatever, sleep all day long wake up just in time to shower and walk out the door to loiter at the mall till it closes and then back home again. When they drive? OMG don't even get me started. I was a kid once and although I am sure they forget that, there is no fooling me. I have seen it, done it, said it, and they just simply are not going to get over on me.

In the meantime the drama.........girls calling, ringing the doorbell, missed appointments (due to over sleeping) which according to them wouldn't happen if I didn't make a dentist appointment in the morning. I am on another planet, last time I checked 1:00 p.m. is early afternoon. Why can't this person stay the night who cares that you work and get up at 5:00 a.m. we won't wake you we'll still be up anyway, piling teens in my son's car, seat belts? Please how dumb are you anyway? baseball practice, games, this kid needs a ride too, senior photos, this girl with this guy then well that was 5 minutes ago-- jeez mom catch up. Anyway I think you get the picture. The difference between summer vacation and now you ask?

Bedtimes, rules, schedules, hopefully some responsibility and peace and quiet. They all go to their respective rooms about 10:00 p.m. I find it hard to go to bed because the house, it's so quiet and peaceful. No wrestling pillows or each other, no fighting, nothing just the sound of my favorite movie. Aww the tranquility of it all.

Lets not forget the power of threats. If you don't do well in school, if you don't ace this test, no kids staying the night, no driving, no phone ---HOLY CRAP DID SHE SAY NO PHONE??? Yeah that's the attention getter for my boys. Take my car, take my allowance, take whatever you want but please don't take my communication to the outside world!!!!!!!!! WOW!!

Using school to get your way as a parent is a very powerful tool. Hey kids don't do what their parents say (well at least mine don't) so we need that edge, that one thing we can use to get what we need that ultimately is for them anyway. Like using Santa's arrival or shall I say non-arrival on the younger ones to get them to eat their veggies. Whatever it's the same thing. Well it was for me until the other day. What happened? Well as you know my mom died in January and while I was in Oregon with her I found my old yearbooks. Inside one of them was a report card from high school. My GPA was like a 1.0 (long story). Yep that's what I said-- a one point zero. Trae of course came across it just the other day and said mom if I got a 1.7 and you were mad and said all I was doing in school was breathing, what were you doing in school when you got a 1.0? Now seriously what the hell do I say to that?

There are no books on how to be a perfect parent, no boxes to check as you handle one issue and move on to the next. We remember what our parents did or what our friends parents did and we do the best we can. It's basically trial by error, if this didn't work let me try this, etc. I wouldn't be who I am today and my life wouldn't be as satisfying without those three buggers but there is nothing wrong with me liking a little stress-free, quiet evenings either.

Logan was actually excited on the first day but the sun was in his eyes.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Men vs. Woman

In general conversation and throughout my life, it's funny how men refer to their wives as "the old lady"; "the old bag"; and "ball and chain". How wude!!!! Or they say the flame is out, died, lost, or whatever. Men usually lack good communication skills (at least most women believe that) in general so even if they don't feel this way, we as women think they do because they don't tell us otherwise.

Why is it that a man can sit on the couch, lift his leg and blast a 5 minute long fart and yet if a women accidentally passes gas it's like the man looks at her like "Are you kidding, that is so gross". I'm not kidding I have 3 sons and it starts at the very earliest of ages, they can't believe that a women would ever do that. They look at you like you just threw up in their mouth. When I wake up in the mornings my first thought is of Mr. Paul. How did he sleep? Where did he sleep? Did he sleep? What is he going to do today? I get to work, start my day and wait for that text telling me he is up. Then after a few minutes I call him just to hear his voice. I can't imagine a single day of my life without him in it, and yet does he feel the same? On occasion I decide to see if he will call me. I wait, wait and wait. Nothing. So I decide to call him and see if everything is okay. There has to be a reason he hasn't called me. Did he have a heart attack? Did he crash? Did he break his leg? OMG it has to be terrible!!! I get him on the phone and say what are you doing, is everything OK and he responds with a yes why? WHAT? It's 1:00 p.m. and I haven't heard from you all day how can everything be fine. He says "I was just getting ready to call you". Come on now, I might have been born yesterday but I wasn't born last night? You think I'm that stupid?Now maybe he would have called and maybe not but as a women I always think I must love him more than he loves me, or he is more important in my life than I am in his. Why do we do that? Maybe it's really true "Men are aliens!!!!!!!" They are heartless and only care about their own needs! That's it they are all jerks! I have solved the revolutionary question all women have. We're not psycho, stalkers, spies, we just weren't given a human to deal with. Men are a completely different species. Phew......... I don't know about the rest of you but I feel a ton better now.Here's another example. Every morning when I arrive to work I place a nice comment or photo on Mr. Paul's facebook wall. Just a little something to make him smile, or think of me, or simply just so he knows I am thinking of him and love him. He has never wrote a single word on my wall. Never a response, picture, not a word. At first I kept doing it thinking he would eventually say something. Nope still nothing. So I asked him one day "hey did you like the photo I put on your facebook wall today?" He says "which one"? OMG are you frigging kidding me? If the situation was the other way around if one time he put anything on my wall I would know it by heart. Memorize it after only reading it once but he has no recollection of what I put on there that day. Crap it's worthless. I can't win.

Could it just be as simple as men are just different than us? Not worse or better just different? Hence why they are men and we are woman? Maybe that was God's plan for us to be different but the same? Maybe God just wanted to watch us try to figure this out, generation after generation. Laughing at us and how such a simple thing has remained so entirely unanswered. Maybe they love us more or even the same but don't show it for the mere fact that they are men and men are emotionless? Maybe they were raised that emotion is for girls? Or maybe our worst nightmare is actually true, maybe he really doesn't love me. Yep that must be it, he doesn't love me, I am unlovable, ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I know is I have spent my entire adult life asking myself these questions and I finally have some clarity. As I sat at Starbucks and listened to a friend speak I realized that Mr. Paul and I are not so different after all. Appears more married folks than Mr. Paul and I live everyday almost the same as we do, asking the same questions, looking for the same responses.

I am sure of one thing, although our lives together hasn't been drama or hassle free (to say the least), I have never loved someone the way I love Mr. Paul. I have never felt the way I do with him, and after 12+ years I still feel butterflies when he is near me. All I can say for sure is our love is real and although we will never be the same, that is the thing I would never want to change.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Bring your kid to work day

August 14, 2009 was bring your kids to work day for the Department of Justice (DOJ). I decided to bring Logan with him being 9 and all I figured it wouldn't be too bad and he was old enough to behave. In DOJ all the organizations have a booth and offer free exhibits, K-9 dogs, whatever they choose to show the kids something that organization does. Many of the agencies offered finger printing and the FBI had a bomb robot and truck there. It was very interesting.

Logan was very excited he got up at 6:00 a.m. and rode in with me. I bought him breakfast and then we headed out. We stopped at the FBI bomb truck.
ATF putting Logan in a bullet proof jacket
Logan with the jacket and Kevlar helmet. He's in heaven!
Waiting patiently (yeah right!) to throw a sharp dart at a balloon
With two armed U.S. Marshall's in shackles (Lord please
don't let this ever happen again) :) It's summertime and my children stay up all night and sleep most of the day. Logan as I have often said is not much of a sleeper but he still was exhausted. This is what I saw within 10 minutes of heading home. plop............ over he went.
I'm thinking , it was a successful time.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Pub Crawl

Bill and his lovely bride Joanne invited Paul and I to attend a Pub Crawl with them. We thought you know it's time for us to have some fun, so we said what the heck!

My first quest was to figure out what is a Pub Crawl exactly. Basically Bill and Joanne were staying at a hotel in Roslyn VA and a bus would pick us up at a sushi bar the next block up. We arrived to the hotel about 4:30 p.m. and Bill and Joanne were already there. They had a room a few doors down from us. We checked in, went to the room and got unpacked. The view from the room was so beautiful.

Then we went to their room. They had an adjoining room with their friends Roddy and his girlfriend. Between the two rooms there was so much food and alcohol. Any kind of drink you could literally imagine. They had like 4 plastic tubs full of alcohol for the bus. Paul and I started with jungle juice. Bill and Joanne made it. The funniest thing about that was they were telling us about how this container (like a water jug for a cooler) had a screw on top which if removed allowed one to pour several things into the jug at once. However neither of them noticed this removable top when they were making the jungle juice. They had unscrewed the actual area where you flip the tab and the drink comes out. It took them forever to get all the liquor in the jug and get it full. Only then did they notice the removable top that would have saved them a whole lot of time. Now that is funny. Were they already drinking???

Bill and Joanne's friend Trey enters the room. Now he was a hoot. He walks in and you knew without even knowing him he was definitely was the life of the party. He walks in and says "Hey Bitches", then the next words out of his mouth were man I promised my girlfriend I would go to Church tomorrow, "F--". In context it was hilarious. So many random thoughts all at once. All night we kept repeating it......Hey Bitches, I gotta go to church tomorrow, F---". Okay well maybe you have to be there, but if you were there you can totally hear it. In the picture below of our lovely Joanne - Trey is on the far right. Hey dude what's happening?
Little by little more folks began to arrive to the "hot spot". Soon it was standing room only in this small room. Our cherished jungle juice was being invaded by everyone. Dang it, I don't drink but man that was mine. I knew I should have hid it. So we head off to the sushi bar, called Cafe Asia. Great! I can't wait...one thing I don't eat?? Anything that used to swim or slither in life, where are we going? Sushi bar? Not good, not only is it a form of fish but raw fish, dead fish, and worse ever, fish eggs. I want to literally throw up. Thank goodness they have regular Chinese type food.

So Bill and Joanne order a platter of all different types of Sushi. Let me explain the place is packed, and loud as ever. You can barley hear the waitress more less she can't understand us very well. So hear comes the platter. The waitress sets down their platter and they dig in. Arg! There it is plenty of all different types of random dead fish guts, eggs all swirled together.

At the opposite end of the table sits these two girls. One I will call her Blondie, but carries the type attitude that she thought she was the main desert for all, somehow thinking she was blessing the rest of us with her presence. PLEASE! Her friend, butta face, as we were calling her, was not attractive and honestly after 34 drinks, still not attractive had the whole "I'm hot" attitude thing going on as well. Anyway after most of Bill and Joanne's sushi platter was gone the waitress realizes that she gave Bill and Joanne the girls platter. Blondie was pissed and was glaring at our end of the table. Bill did the respectable thing. He picked up the platter with the remaining sushi and walked it down to them. Of course Blondie and butta were not about to eat after anyone so they rudely declined. Ultimately the waitress was in the wrong so she brought out a new one for them and ended up bringing Bill and Joanne the one they actually ordered. So we haven't even gotten on the bus yet and already drama. What the heck and I don't even eat fish.

It's 9:00 time to board the bus. In walks Kelly. Kelly's job is to announce the bar we are heading too, give us arm bands so we don't have to pay any cover charges and tell us what time to be back on the bus so we can head to the next destination. What we see is a school bus that has been transformed. It's blue and painted all over, once inside the bus driver, Alfonzo, high fives everyone and in you go. Once inside there are no seats, just a row of bench along the outside of the bus on both sides, there are three "stability poles", disco lights and the music was blaring. In the back of the bus was all the tubes of alcohol. Oh Lord the fun begins............

Paul getting giggly on the bus!

So we are off to the first place, eyebar in DC. Now picture a blue school bus, music blaring, windows up and down and people dancing/thrusting against the stability poles. The only rule on the bus? If you don't have a drink in your hand get off! I'm stunned. Isn't this like, open container? 35 people all have been drinking for hours, on a bus all drinking alcohol, standing, dancing, swinging on the poles while driving in downtown DC. What a site. Oh but it gets better. In eyebar everyone was pretty calm just standing around basically waiting for the next stop.

We got on the bus and headed toward public bar. This place was wild, it was several levels with different types of music on each floor. Flat screen TVs everywhere. Somewhat like a sports bar setting. Here we stood packed like sardines and just laughed and drank. I had the whole smart thing going on. I would drink water in the bars and drink alcohol on the bus. We left public at midnight. The stairs in this bar are literally suicide sober if you were drunk you would not want to have to walk up these flights of stairs. They were wood, steep and Lord like 5 stories.

Oh No - Bill's on the pole..........


We were off on the bus for ride number 3 to Rumors. Now this bar was hopping. There were people literally in every crevices of the place. Bill and Joanne were dancing and since we were with them we were too. Holy crap is that Michael Jackson??? Awesome finally music I know. I tried to dance but this white girl has no rhythm. I wasn't drunk so therefore I knew I was not able to move in a way in which I could even pretend I was dancing. I am pathetic. This was so out of my element. I had no rhythm. I just knew everyone was looking at the dumb girl attempting to dance.

It was amazingly hot in there and Paul suggested we go outside for some fresh air. Well we went outside and cooled off and when we were ready to go back in the bar was at capacity, so they wouldn't let us in. We were fine with that. The bar was inside and out so we could clearly hear the music. So we just leaned up against this planter and talked to some others who were outside. There were people everywhere walking, calling cabs, getting into limos, etc. Then we got on the bus again headed to the hotel.

People were all over that stinking bus. I was thinking man I'm tired is the party over? Oh no, just starting. Everyone headed back to Bill and Joanne's room to drink it up. There were people everywhere between the two rooms. Joanne was laying flat in the middle of her bed where I felt inclined to lay next to her. We laughed and watched people.

The night drew to an end about 3:30 am. It was fun and was something totally different than Paul and I had ever done. I was a little out of my sorts but would go again if I had to do it all over. Bill and Joanne showed us a great time and we met some good people. It is always great to see Bill in a totally different light. In Eielson he was my boss, an officer and now he is just Bill. He is fun, and his wife is the best. She is this fun, lovable, wonderful person full of life. Paul and I are blessed to have them as our friends.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Can I have bubbles?

Kids man they drive us all crazy don't they? They're kind of like men, you can't live with them and you can't live without them. You love them with all your heart but sometimes you just can't figure out who raised them.

I was watching this movie and these two guys are watching kids blowing bubbles and it makes them so happy and one guy says to the other, why can't I enjoy anything as much as kids enjoy blowing bubbles? Now I don't know about your kids but my kids would never think blowing bubbles was fun. They have Wii, PS2 and Xbox, a pool table and a ping pong table and yet they are always bored. Why is that? They absolutely hate it when I say when I was a kid..... It's official I am my mother.

Doesn't it seem like when you get married sooner rather than later it seems like all you do is whine and complain? Same with kids they start out so cute and adorable, then they become teens and they are still cute and adorable but for whatever reason they have no common since? I wonder did I drive my mom and dad so crazy? Was I so lackadaisical? Did I act like I was invincible? Did I make my parents feel like nothing they did was good enough? Me? Never I was the most lovable, kind, and enjoyable child a parent could ever ask for.
Is it possible they really don't notice their room looks as though a tornado went through it? When they noticed the dishwasher was full when they place their dirty dishes on the counter to harden, so that when I get to it I break a freaking acrylic nail trying to scrap the gunk off the plate? When they drive away maybe the garage door actually went up instead of down? I mean for real I hit the button, and I saw it close. (I'm stupid) Maybe its possible the teacher really doesn't like them and that is why they got an "F". Maybe its possible they didn't see me cooking or feel the heat from the hot stove when they fixed a bowl of cereal and then weren't hungry for dinner?

Everyday it's something, if it's not grades, it's stupid girls, decisions or lack of, do all kids think money grows on trees? Do all kids despise their younger siblings? Do all kids walk past their parents with this total look of disgust? Dang kids have no idea how many dirty diapers I changed because if they did they would know I have dealt with enough crap to last a lifetime.


My kids are wonderful and I am sure my life is totally normal, but sometimes I feel like such a mean cow. I worry if I have taught them enough, sheltered them too much, given them enough responsibility. I guess all parents walk around every day with a flashing question mark beaming above my head.

All I want to do is one day come home from work and the whole house is blowing bubbles and perfectly content with it.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The climb matters not the mountain

I am proud of me today. Often as you read about my life you see this array of emotions but never once have I reflected on my greater good, so today I shall. I have always been the person I am today but in my younger days I was very selective about who I opened myself up to. Now I have this since of nothing ventured nothing gained. No, I am not ever going to sky dive, bungee jump or swim with sharks, but more of a, this is who I am and you will either care deeply for me or its your loss. I allow many to see and know the real me and I don't worry so much about standing guard for that hurtful person who will prey on my feelings and vulnerabilities.

After my mother died I thought of this saying that I have posted on my facebook, myspace and on my blog profile. It reads "Life is not measured by the shell others see but by the mold we leave when the shell is gone." Now I am pretty sure I made that up but it describes what I feel is really important in the end. Life isn't measured or successful based on how many cars I have, if my house is the biggest on the block, or how many children I adopt from other countries, its measured by the things I leave behind when my body is gone from sight.

Do my kids remember things I said, annoying as they may have been? Things I loved liked butterflies, Michael Jackson, yellow, my dream vacation of someday seeing Egypt or the morals and beliefs I have tried to teach them? Do they find they try to instill the same morals, and beliefs on their own kids? Does my wonderful husband remember my smell, my laugh and miss how much I truly loved him for just being him? Will my friends and family sit around looking at my scrapbooks and not only see the pictures but the time, energy and sweat I used while creating each page. The love I felt with each individual picture? Will they tell stories of greater times and remember me with a smile?

Of course I remember my mom's less than finer moments but they don't outweigh the wonder she brought into my life. Love is undeniable, its pure in every sense and man do I love. I love my husband, I adore my kids, my family and the friends who stand by me. I often think about the woes of me and the trials and tribulations of my life, but on the drive in to work today I was reflecting on my life and realized that all these trials and tribulations or shall I say mountains I've climbed and will continue to climb, are what have made me who I am. My life experiences, these mountains weren't what created me it was the climb.

The mountains I have climbed in my life have created the make-up in which ultimately is the mold I will leave behind. I am a sister, auntie, mom, wife, volunteer, employee, daughter, and a friend and I am thankful that I believe I am fairly successful at these identities. I can smile today because I believe the mold I will leave behind is far greater than the shell I see now. I will not be easily forgotten.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I can't win....

You know coming from a large family is wonderful but at times it's also terrible. I have 7 siblings, 15 nephews and nieces, and even they have kids now. I have aunt's and uncle's and one Gramma remaining. The list for a group email is, well a short novel alone.

The thing for me I find most challenging is living 1/2 my life and really my entire adult life away from them. I have a brother now 6 hours from me and that is the closest sibling I have ever had. They remember me as a kid, and I remember them as anything but. Over the years we have become closer, it's been like old hat for some and for others it's a working progress. Regardless the ultimate goal is for all of them to know how much I love them, their kids, step kids and their husbands and wives.

Until my mother's tragic death in January '09 I had never spent much time with my nephews and nieces since they too have grown up. I find it almost impossible sometimes to establish rapport with some of them. Finding middle ground, not picking sides, staying neutral, not judging, and just getting to know them for the adults they are and will become. When I was home (Oregon) I was really the mediator between them and my siblings. It made since I didn't have kids there so I could listen to their thoughts, problems, whatever and bring it to the table openly. I enjoyed getting to know them and earning their trust and I have to admit being the cool aunt doesn't suck either.

With all that said, I find that although I try to understand their dilemmas and problems, sometimes I don't understand why do they understand mine. I try to remember that they are young and naive and haven't lived (so to speak). For me I find that I don't understand big things when I haven't experienced them. Life is like that, hard to understand things you haven't experienced. The key I think is, trying to understand, never judge and remember that we all do the best we can with what we know, what we feel and use our best judgement to make good solid decisions.

However the age gap is always going to be an issue. I think differently than a 20 year old, who doesn't. It's normal and expected. Problem? Problem is I don't understand how someone can offer up advice on subjects in which they have no experience, knowledge, or know how. When I react they get mad and then all heck breaks loose. There are days I wonder is it better to have lots of family and friends and with that issues, problems, drama or stick to yourself and have none?

Also if you piss off one of them it's like a chain reaction. The ones they are exceptionally close to, hear the other side and before you know it 1/2 the family is pissed. If I was the person some of them still believe I am then I wouldn't care what any of them thought or said, but since I am not that person I do care.
I wish they knew this about me. Once I say what is on my mind, I'm done with it. There are no decade long grudges, hatred, nothing. I'm done with it, its water under the bridge. So how long will you continue to pout? If you're going to offer up advise on touchy issues, try to remember that touchy subjects mean sensitive issues so wearing kid gloves is almost always a good approach.
Ultimately you know how I feel about you (you know who you are) I love you, you're family and I hope you realize that part of being friends/family is accepting differences and acknowledge disagreements, and move on. Let it go and continue to grow as friends. I had a weak moment and should have handled it better. Forgive me.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Are you kidding?

Adult acne affects 25% of adult men and 50% of adult woman. Come on man are you kidding me? Never more than a pimple here or there until about 2 years ago and now all of a sudden my face turned into the solar system.

It's so not fair, I have never been high in the esteem department so you've got to know having pimples at my age is definitely not helping. What the heck, this is such crap. I have used Clinque all my life, but seems that even that isn't getting the grime out.

There is also a small thing called pickitis. No lie, it's a real disorder (just add it to the long list of all my other disorders). I start by noticing a small bump or red dot, then I get it and no matter what costs. That small bump has to be gone, gone, gone I say. Pick, poke, pry, and if all else fails it's time for the tweezers. Yep us real pickers know that a set of tweezers can be very useful. If you aim them at the perfect angel and right spot you can get that little Burger to buckle. If that fails or isn't an option for those hard to reach ones you have to find a close loved one to work on them.

You can imagine by the end of this that small dot or bump has now become a huge cyclopes that not even bangs can hide (yes I did consider cutting bangs in to try to hide them). My hair will literally buckle around that darn thing. Today I literally tried to do a sort of comb over, swoosh type thing across the middle of my forehead to hide the hugely inflamed sore I had actually removed a chunk of skin from this one. So now I have about 8 Cyclops's on my face and neck. Cover up you say? Well when you pick them like I do and then try to cover with cover up it turns into this dried out mole looking burn spot that seems to draw even more attention than the red, raw, skinless, sap oozing cut.
Like my sister said, now is not a good time for any type of photo ops, so for all you modeling agencies that have been beating on my door please come back in a week.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

What's the right thing to do??????

Has anyone out there ever dealt with a person who was attempting to recover from an addiction? I have once but not like the situation I find myself in now. My ex husband is an alcoholic. If you have read my blog I have already explained all this before.

I find myself confused (I know shocker right). I want to be strong and I want to be there for him but at the same time I don't. I have to be honest I really don't. I gave him every moment he wanted prior to rehab and it literally sucked the life out of me. I did everything I could from finding the facility, to talking to him on the phone for countless hours.

Now as I said before just not being specific about it, he fell off the wagon the first day he was home alone from rehab and called me at 4 am. I was very angry, hurt, and disappointed. I felt betrayed almost. Like I had given him everything I had to give and he couldn't give back by remaining sober or at least fighting it with every ounce of his being.

My first thought was my two boys. Those innocent children that are victims of this. The pain and agony they will feel all over again. How is that fair to them? Aren't they enough to make him fight this? I don't understand, how can they? One of them is so lax about the entire thing. He basically just talks to his father as if it doesn't matter whether he is sober or not. The other not so forgiving, and in my mind just fully so.

Regardless how they feel, as a mother I am wondering how to protect them from this. He texts me last night telling me he isn't being successful about the whole sober thing. Of course I asked him if he had contacted his sponsor and of course he said no. He feels ashamed because he "can't do this". Not understanding this situation at all, I find myself wondering does he really even want to be sober? Does he really even care if he is alive to see my children graduate, get married and have children of their own? Does he want pity?

My God help me, I don't understand. All I know is I am not willing to have one single conversation with him while I know he is off the wagon. I don't want my kids to talk to him either, is that wrong? I don't know what he says to them, I don't know how he acts towards them, and I don't want him to hurt them again. Why can't he stop hurting the people who have loved him? As adults we can turn our back (even though we don't want to) but my kids can't. How do I stop the madness without them hating me for it?

As a parent I owe it to them to protect them from harm, why didn't I know that harm includes their father? How unfair of a position we are all in.