Christmas vacation

As I sit here during my Christmas vacation and think of the year we've had and the things that have happened this year, I find that I am so sad. Our year has not been a great one and I've been thinking so much about all the disappointments, heartache and pain this year has caused.

Then I blinked and suddenly saw something so clear. I looked around the room and saw my family. All three boys happy and laughing while eating dinner and Mr. Paul too. As a kid I remember thinking all I wanted was a husband that loved me and some kids.

Yes this has not been the best year we've ever had and we've had loss but what I wanted as a kid I have. I decided that although one of this years biggest disappointments is not totally over yet, I have so much to be happy about. Do I allow this disappointment I feel to define me? Have I ever allowed disappointment or loss to define me?

Mr. Paul and I have nearly been married 15 years, my kids are happy and healthy, everything else is irrelevant. Life for me has been hard and full of disappointments as it has been for most but ultimately I have so much more than so many.

Home is where I hang my hat, where my kids laugh, where my husband hugs me and kisses me goodnight. My life is a success and I have accomplished to create a family that I wouldn't trade for anything at all. My family is what defines me and for that I am happy.

My day to day life

For whatever reason, I just realized that although my blog is entitled the day in the life of Trish, this blog is rarely about me. I write of Mr. Paul, the kids, my family, whatever is going on around me but I seldom ever write of me or my actual day to day life.

I guess when you look at the big picture, that statement isn't necessarily true either. My kids, family and Mr. Paul they are my daily life. They are people I entrust in my day to day life. They don't dictate who I am, but they are definitely an extension of me.

Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I am destined for hard. Seems like my entire life has been a struggle. My parents struggled my entire childhood, then my beginning early adult life until now it's always a struggle. Now with technology and social networks like facebook, I feel like I read everyone's posts and everyone I know their life seems so leave it to Beaver. My life is so not. In my family we call it the Birch curse.

My kids have a hard life too it seems like. I always wonder if I could do something, anything to make their lives easier, but then I turn around and yet more trouble, more drama, more problems. I know in my heart that somethings are just not in my control, nor am I to blame for the things that have happened but my gut says, "what did I do wrong"? Was I too easy on them, did I give too much, did I not teach them enough? Did they not learn anything from me? Did I teach them that?

I thought for sure this would be our year. My family would finally have a new home to kind of start over. We've lived here a month and well I am short two kids. One is on his own, and although it's part of life and it's natural, I hate it. I hate him being gone, living alone, not knowing if he's okay or not, not hearing from him for a day or more. He is of course fine, but I was not prepared for his departure. The other one, well he messed up big time this time and he is not home right now. I can't fix it, I can't control it, I am totally helpless. All I can do is stand there, support him, and hope for the best. I know that my friends have life drama and I know everyone's life isn't a bowl of cherries, but I wonder if it's normal for me to dream of cherries. To hope that for once even if only for a little while, I can get up in the morning and not have any worries? Not have to wonder what if? Should I have? Could I have? Just wake up and enjoy everything around me?

Once I had someone tell me that they felt like no matter what happens to me and my family that we always come out on top or better than before. That amazed me. Literally this person knows me pretty well and knows all about the tribulations I have undergone, and yet for whatever reason they felt like through it all we come out better? I suppose I have had people in my life that I felt like no matter what happened to them they always came out better so I suppose that feeling is normal.

In the summer Trae broke his back in 5 places and he told me he was jumped. Therefore I told my friends he was jumped. Several days later, I found out that was not what happened at all but was too scared, worried, stressed, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, confused, I don't know really the right word to use but I didn't go back and correct what I had previously said. To those that asked me about it after I did tell the truth too but I didn't go back to the previous people. I had several people tell me I was a liar and deleted me from their lives. I was really hurt by that. How could my friend delete me from their lives based on my son lying to me?? Was it not bad enough for me that my son was seriously hurt, in a brace to lay flat on his back for 12 weeks?? How about this? Why does it matter how he was hurt, he is my son and he was hurt badly, is that enough to be there for me as a friend? Additionally with no strings attached?

Now I find myself so angry at so many people for not being there when I needed them. Not asking me if he was okay. Not saying a prayer for him, or for us. Now he is fine, and Coty is in need of prayers. Same situation, stupid behavior caught up with him. He knows it, I know it, but yet he is my son, he is in need, period. Is it really necessary to text me how stupid what he did is? Is that helpful at all? Does it serve any purpose at all? NO! Or the best is when people with babies or people with NO kids at all text me to give me parental advise. Really? Are you seriously shitting me? You have no idea what you would do with your own kid since your kids are like wearing diapers, so how about just keep your rude comments to yourself?? Not helpful and only pisses me off.

I've been in bed sick as a dog for the past 7 days so I've been doing a lot of thinking. Although everything in my life is in utter termoil right now, I am going to wake up tomorrow with a fresh new aspect. I plan on looking around the world I see everyday and seeing the good, watching the sun rise as I drive to work, work hard as I always do, but tomorrow with a smile regardless of how sick I still feel. I plan on telling all my kids and Mr. Paul how much I love them, and how important they are to me. I plan on letting my friends know how important they are to me and trying as hard as I can to do right, everyday in whatever I can so regardless of how hard my life is daily, at least the people within it will know how much I love them. I also want to be there for people even if they haven't been there for me, so that maybe they will be there next time someone needs them. (That's the hardest one for me to do)

I often wonder if life could be easier, and since tomorrow is my 42nd birthday I don't believe those are the cards I will ever be dealt, but I can say that although my life is hard and always has been, I do have a great job, some wonderful friends and a fabulous family. When push comes to shove I am blessed.

More progress

The builder is saying the house will be done October 2. That's 2 weeks ahead of schedule. I am not upset at all, so tired of moving. Here are the latest photos.

Progress

The builder broke ground on July 7, 2011 and the above photos are where we are. The fireplace is in, the electric is wired, the plumbing is in, the windows are in and the exterior doors are in. It's been very exciting and of course stressful. We finished our final appointment on Saturday which as picking the flooring.

The next 8 weeks will go by slowly I am sure but it should be very exciting watching it come together and hopefully be everything we dreamed it to be. I don't think it's possible for it not to be since we have chosen everything from the ground up.

Mr. Paul and I have been through some rough times with buying and moving from home to home. We have moved 3 times since May 2011 and 5 times since 2007. Its been crazy and hard and very rough but now we have a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know everyone in my family will appreciate what we have been through and what it's taken to get there. We look forward to the future.

The making of our home

July 7, 2011, and Coty's 17th birthday they broke ground on our new home. In 14 weeks we will be moving for the final time. October can't come soon enough.

Richmond Motor Speedway

Mr. Paul and I had an opportunity to attend our first Nationwide race for NASCAR at the Richmond Motor Speedway. A guy at work has season tickets and couldn't attend so we bought his tickets. We had never been to Richmond and never been to a Nationwide race. It was a fun day but not like the Cup or the truck races since neither Mr. Paul or I have a favorite driver in Nationwide. It was not something we would do again, but it's now checked off the list of things to do.

I did however buy a awesome Jimmy Johnson #48 hoodie to wear so that made it all worth it. The thing I hate about NASCAR shops is nothing is ever girlie. Yes they have "A" pink hat per driver but nothing is ever unique or strickly girlie. Like my hoodie they have the same print for every driver. I would rather have something unique to my driver. To top it off my hoodie is for a girl but only came in dark blue would have liked it so much better in pink, but it's Jimmy all the same.